I want to sleep. Why won't you let me fucking sleep?
And no I don't fucking care if I sound bratty because I normally sleep well. Right in this very instant I wish to sleep and I can't fucking do it because my brain is trolling me. In this exact instant I don't fucking care what any of you think. I don't fucking care about anything or anyone. It's my fucking woe and I'll feel sorry for myself if I want to. Give me one fucking instant when it's about me. I don't want to be fucking convenient or useful right now I just want to fucking woe and not be told that I shouldn't. Grant me a moment of my own self-pity not even because I deserve it, but just please pretend for one fucking second that you can have a single thought that is actually solely about me. Because pretending and lying ain't cutting it. Give me one single moment of your time. Please. I beg you.
O and awkwardly I am really missing Jasmine, FFS, why can't the fucking hospital be here so I can go and see her and do stuff with her and make sure she knows she is not alone. I also miss her being here to just accompany me when doing tasks on my own feel so hard. If there is a god, please help her get better!
I can't believe I've just sent those two letters to my gp. i feel so pathetic and needy, but I need someone to know what's going on and I don't know who else I can trust.
I hope I'll be ok this weekend with Mum visiting. I don't want to fall apart in front of her.
I need to hide the reciprocating saw, she'll freak if she sees that.
You're a bit of a hypocrite really. Your FB statuses are all about how God loves you and you love Him and you're proud to be a true soldier of the cross and so on, and so on. And yet every day you talk - no, you boast about how you're planning to make life hell for your coworkers because you spent so much time playing videogames that you didn't get enough sleep and you're in a bad mood. You never say whether or not they deserve it. Maybe they do, maybe they don't. You don't say. All you talk about is how much you're looking forward to taking out your frustrations on them. How very un-Christian of you. Your coworkers are there to make a living and put food on their tables, not to be your personal punching bags. You're 31. Stop acting like a 5-year-old.
Do you really think we could... uh, yeah... ?
Just, kinda stunned. I don't know.
"God take me, because I hate me" -Underoath
We are male and female. We are artists, athletes, and students. We have depression, PTSD, eating disorders, bipolar disorder, or maybe no diagnosis at all. Some of us were abused, some not. We come from all walks of life and can be any age. We are every race or religion that you can think of. Our common link is this: We are in pain. We self-injure. And we are not freaks.
You're going to see me and wonder if you've got the wrong person. I sure as hell don't look like I've got anorexia.
You're going to weigh me and it's going to be X. I bet it will be. It always fucking is. And that's the best case scenario. It will probably be more. Proving the statement in point one.
You're going to wonder why you wasted the time coming to see a nasty little fake.
Oh and obviously *that* was a sign. A sign that I should of gone along with it. Just seeing it made my heart drop down to my stomach and my body recoil in fear. I should of done it. And then I may well of been 'cured'.
Shut up Jenna. shutupshutupshutup.
Last edited by Pi.R^2 : 13-07-2012 at 12:15 PM.
Reason: One ought to at least woe in complete sentences.
I was already on the verge of wanting to put my head through a wall, and now?
I want to help you, yes. But I don't want you turning against me just because I'm being selfish and don't want to do something just to please you. I'm tired. I'm so so very freakin' tired it's not even natural. I've got too many people to worry about, with my own shitty brain on top of that, I just want a break. Leave me alone to wallow and eat my body weight in junk food. Kthanks.
Edit:
Urrrrgh! Stop texting me! I don't handle emotional blackmail very well >_< The truth of the matter is that I really don't want to spend the evening with you, even though that's the decent thing to do. I am a vile, useless human being.
Last edited by Zedebee : 13-07-2012 at 04:31 PM.
The only time you will find real light is when you're searching in the dark..
I'm sorry.
One day I'll be good enough.
One day I'll make you proud.
I'm sorry I always let you down.
I'm sorry I let all of you down, you all deserve so much more.
I promise I'll be better.
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