Commenting on how much I eat and calling me the "food thief" isn't exactly conducive to my recovery. Admittedly, you don't know about my eating or my recovery. But they'd be annoying comments regardless. You have an extra person in the house. The population of this house has increased by 50%. It only stands to logical reason that the food consumption will go up by roughly 50%. So just fucking stop.
I wish you knew how much I was hurting. I wish you could make it stop one say way or Another. I want someone to hug me and make me feel safe and 'solid'.
I can't tell any of you how I'm feeling. Instead I'll play the clown and carry on fighting that suffocating feeling. As long as you smile why would anyone guess any different?
i know im not worth it but it really hurts that you dont bother with me anymore.
As for you your the opposite, have done so much for me even though you never had to do a single thing.i dont know how i'll ever repay you and im so sorry about all this.i really am.
i am trying to protect you.Its just hard.i wish it didnt have to be this way but i think maybe it does now.We will see.
Even if im not here i'll always care for you.....but unfortunately i doubt it will come to that.
i can only hope.
i think its better.
For all of us.
i do not always manage to be around but i wish you all the very best - love and luck to you all!
Please don't make me go! Just accept what I'm saying. I am slowly killing you all, you will get badly hurt. If I stay away then it's less dangerous. Just believe me for once in your life, okay?!
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
I'm sorry for being such a lazy waste of space. I'm doing my best and am applying for jobs now, like you said, despite being still signed off as unfit to work. Lol. I'll get a job and everything will be fucking fantastic. I wonder if you'll ever be proud of me... I wonder what it's like to feel like you're good enough...
It's just coming up to 3 weeks now. I'm sick of people assuming that it gets easier, because it DOESN'T. I still have to listen to that nagging voice constantly screaming. It's like having Father Jack sat in his armchair in my head shouting 'drink!' a lot of the time. Yes yes that's hilarious. Laugh at me 'cause I'm just a joke. I'm so so tired.
The only time you will find real light is when you're searching in the dark..
I seriously hate you. You send shivers throughout my body and I can never do anything right in your eyes. Then there is the whole needy aspect. I understand you're ill and you need me but don't you see I've always needed you too.
You know when you're pissed off at someone? But it's someone you love. And the real reason why you're pissed off at them is because they hurt you...and you don't want to hurt them by telling them that you're pissed at them. So you hold it inside and it eats at you and that little fire inside of you starts up again every time you see a post on facebook from them. And you want to scream at them! But you can't.
She's overly sensitive. That's the problem. If I tell her about it, she'll get her feelings hurt. And she's depressed...she's threatened suicide so many times that I don't want to be one of the people that makes her depressed. Because I do care about her, but if I'm supposed to be her best friend, why didn't she say goodbye? Why didn't she act like she cared?? EVERYONE ELSE DID! EVERYONE! Even the snotty little kids I babysat said they'd miss me!
It's not fair. I mostly came there for her. Because I thought oh, it'll make her happier and I'll have fun hanging out with her. That was the main reason I came back to that god-awful town for a month. THAT is why I came back to the place I ran away from a year ago. The place I couldn't wait to get out of. The place I hate with a passion. And she couldn't even say a real goodbye. She just acted like it was any other hang out. Like I was going to come back in a few days and hang out again so it was no big deal...........
I work so hard to be a good friend. She complains about how people just leave her all the time and ditch her. Well I'm finally starting to get it. IT'S COMPLETELY EXHAUSTING being her friend. I can't take it all the time. I can't be worried about someone else constantly! I have my own life, I have my own problems. Okay, really my life is pretty spectacular right now, compared to how it has been in the past so I shouldn't complain, but I can't deal with other people's problems all the time.
So should i question the career I want to go into? If I can't handle this should I even consider being a therapist? But if I'm not going to major in psychology...what would I do? Nothing else interests me.
I can't take it any more. Luckily she hasn't tried to talk to me, but I can't even talk to her right now. Like, she's driving me completely nuts.
Whatever it is, you can get through it. I promise.
Fucking hell, it's like living with a moody teenager right now. I'm not sure how much of your attitude I can take. I know you're ill, but you were like this over Easter when you weren't ill. So don't you even think of using that as an excuse for this behaviour.
I'm frustrated because I've changed but you haven't noticed. And I was doing so well but you set me back. And you didn't mean to and I don't hate you but I wish you didn't think I was useless. I really wish you didn't.
And M, you're going to mess everything up for me. I'm sick of you. Totally sick of you.
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