I need you to die because i'm scared of what bad things life will bring to you. I'm tired of worrying about you constantly. If you were dead then you would be protected and maybe I could die too. I'm sorry.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
For christ's sake pull yourself together jenna. How many more incidents like friday will it take for you to accept how out of control you are? Get your head out of the sand and sort it out. I know you're terrified and just want to be looked after, but this time you have to be strong. There's no big sister for you. Just you and the responsibilities that rest on your shoulders. No sane person could face this task ahead, so you're sure as hell not going to manage it unless you pull yourself together. Sort it.
I can't do this anymore, I can't keep it all together and pretend like everything is ok coz it's fucking not and there is nothing I can do about it. But it's my job... my role, you placed it onto me to keep everything going, to keep us together. I'm the only one who fights, the only one who works at it... if I don't then it will all crumble and fall apart and I can't let that happen. I can't. I have to be strong, I have to keep it together, even if that means pushing away those I love so I can concentrate on keeping together those I can't stand, nearly hate. It's my job... it's been this way for 21 years, I can't stop now... I have to keep going, otherwise we'll crumble and I'll never forgive myself.
All I need is one day. One conversation. One chance to tell you everything I've been carrying with me for so long. You could take it, you're strong. I've tried to reach out and show you that I need it, but I'm afraid no one will ever give it to me. If you put your arms around me and tell me everything will be ok, I would believe you. I haven't been held in years. Give me one conversation, and I'll put down the thoughts that want me gone. Just one...
"So take heart, His love leads us through the night." <3
i don't know who that songs is to or whatever. clearly you don't read all my posts like you say. otherwise you would have seen i listed to all the songs you linked me today and that i write those same lyrics. i shouldn't care.
i'm scared. i'm scared you're going to move far away and forget about me. go to a school in another state and do what he did. find a job just as you're moving here. join the army. i'm scared you'll resent me. hate me for being stuck here. it's hard to take these feelings. that drop in your stomach - i feel it at moments like this. i hate that feeling. makes me feel out of control. i want to cut.
I'm waiting for you to call me. I've been waiting for the past three months and I really miss you...
But I can't call you myself because I am terrified. Terrified of finding out that you actually don't care about me. Terrified of finding out the truth about how sick you really are. I'm scared that you'll abandon me and die... You're being so careless and it hurts so much to see you abuse your body this way.
The worse part is I know you're terrified too. You must also think I don't care about you. And I know you feel guilty about so many things that aren't your fault at all and never should have happened to you...
I wish I could let you know how I wish I could be the one that's sick. I wish I could take all your pain away so you can finally be healthy and happy again. I'm sorry I've been such a horrible friend...
I'd fly away to a higher place
to say words I resist, to float away, to sigh, to breathe... forget~
to a: leave it alone. you are a freaking director, not a therapist. I want you to trust me enough to know that I can handle my own life, on my own terms.
to e: I don't remember you. I don't feel that way about you any more. I want you to know hat so it won't be awkward next summer
to c: just stop. you have no idea.
to h: you've changed. and I dont know why.
to m: you aren't the best friend I knew.
toh: sometimes i hate you so much, for absolutely no reason
And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore
why is there so much death and hatred around me, I am not worthy to feel good? every time I start to feel good, then there is someone that presses me to the ground or someone I love dies.
why should I be strong in the family? who will not cry and that will comfort everyone else when someone dies or when someone in the family are crying ... have you ever seen that I'm depressed, no because I have built a strong wall on the outside so you think I'm glad the only thing that reveals me, is my eyes
Close your eyes, so many days go by.
Easy to find what's wrong, harder to find what's right.
Dance With The Devil - Breaking Benjamin
There is nothing like driving so fast that you can see the thin line between life and death
20 million thoughts, 50 reasons why. 3 thousand fears, and not a single word.
I wonder how many times I'm going to walk in and out of the kitchen this afternoon. Fight fight fight. Hunger vs nausea, emptiness vs fear. I would dare to hypothesise that I have lost the plot.
