Triggering (Sexual Abuse) - Voice. Graphic. I'm so sorry.
There's a voice that tells me I made it all up.
Because I'm pathetic and disgusting and I want attention.
It would be so much easier to believe it. Maybe it's true. Maybe I am a slag a whore a horrible ****-up who invented it all just to get sympathy.
Maybe it would be easier if that were true. I WANT IT TO GO AWAY. All of it. I can't stand it.
He r--ed me on the earth and told me I was a slag and wouldn't let me up. It hurt it hurt it hurt it keeps telling me how much it hurt. If I'd made it all up how would I know how much it hurt?
You're not supposed to be able to remember physical pain. Oh god I do. I feel it stabbing through my c--t through my insides it hurts so much.
Then there's the little girl inside my head. She's so little and he hates her. He likes to pour liquids inside her, horrible liquids that burn and burn and he can't stop because she's so dirty. Slag slag slag slag. Then he puts other things in her and they're so big and so cold and she's so scared.
But the voice tells me I made it all up. Because I'm a slag. Why would I make something like that up? What's wrong with me?
Minimising is common in survivors of abuse.
That's what the voice that tells you you made it all up, and are all those awful names, is doing, minimising the full intensity of what happened to you.
The thing is, even though it's reason for being is to protect you from feeling and accepting the full impact of what happened to you, it actually hurts you even more, and carries on abusing you. Except it's in your own head.
Body memories are also part of having been abused and traumatised, violated, in the way that you were.
The little girl in your head doesn't deserve all this pain. Can you take her safely into your heart and protect her and soothe her?
'perhaps you have a chemical imbalance going on' Thats what someone close said to me the other day. When I describe the events in my life they are so horrific, people and yourself don't want to believe them.
Rosamund, I believe you.
My little girl was so broken and desolate, she could no longer cope with the self loathing she felt. She ran away, far far away, locked herself in a box in this mind and stayed there all these years terrified to come out.
I locked away the pain, guilt, shame ,hatred, but to do this I had to sacrifice the love, joy, happiness and hope, cause I couldn't have one without the other. I erased it all and now it has come back. I have to believe that my little girl has ventured out for a reason.Perhaps because she trusts me to help her.x
Fed up of deceit and lonely skies. Bring back the rainbows in my eyes.
P.s the chemical imbalance thing.... i meant I was upset that someone said that to me, I hope i did'nt word it wrong. i meant like people find what I tell them hard to comprehend. Does that make more sense
Fed up of deceit and lonely skies. Bring back the rainbows in my eyes.
No you didn't word it wrong, I understand what you mean. I'm sorry, I'm not very good at replying. I've never told anyone what happened because I'm sure that that would be their reaction too. I'm sorry they reacted to you like that, the must have been hard.
Thank you for believing me. I'm still not sure I believe me.
