Last night was'nt so bad. I had a dream about me and Deb having a picnic on the lawn at nanna's house. There were two boys with us, not the ones who hurt us, I did'nt know these two. We were having a good time. Which is strange cause I don't have many real memories of her and me playing as sisters should.
I have remembered that I was kept at home for a long time, was'nt alllowed to go to school. I had spent time in a pschiatric unit because my mind had been broken. Did'nt know fantasy from reality. life was the nightmare and the nighmares were real, there was no veil between me and the horrors in my mind.
I would sit in the bay window and watch all the other children going to and from school. Watching the world but not being a part of it. Like in the hospital. I would sit for hours waiting for Deb to come home and every day I would run to the front door when I saw her, greet her with a beaming smile. Only to be pushed to one side.
What happened to Deb? Why did she push you to the side?
Please tell us how we can help you?
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
That sounds awful. Are you in any kind of therapy or have you considered it? It might help you to deal with the memories so that you can move on with your life and not focus on the past so much.
Laura
"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." ~Mother Theresa
I'm trying, but its so hard, cos it's been locked up for so long I'm scared to let it out. I'm afraid of what i'll find.
My mum used drugs, I never knew this until now, it's the most recent memory i have. I walked in on her one night and found her with a needle in her arm,lying on her bed. I thought she was dead. I touched her hair and ran my finger down her cheek, and said 'mummy'. I backed away and then ran out shouting mummys dead. I believed she had left us.
My sister and I were abused during this time, because a 'family friend' took advantage of my mums addiction. Knowing that we would be easy to infiltrate. A demon in the guise of an angel, 'trying' to help us. Bastard (angry) want to rip his f*****g heart out.
As scary as it is, if you let it out you can let it go.
I'm doing that right now. I'm having flashbacks or sometimes just strong memories. I'm having nightmares too as my subconscious processes this stuff too.
You will get through it and you will be okay!
*gives you a safe cherishing hug*
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
It is scary, i'm willing to admit that. Strange as it may seem. I'm not afraid of men, I don't have nightmares about being hurt. Because I do know inside that I'm not to blame.
I am more afraid of discovering that my take on what happened is a creation of my own mind. I'm scared of being told i'm screwed up. I can deal with the physical stuff...
I've always had a fantastic memory, places, people, past you name it I could fix my minds eye on it and describe any situation in perfect detail. I have been told I have an idetic memory. So to suddenly have all this other stuff thats never existed, is completely alien to me. I've always known who I am and what i've done and where i've been, so now i've been thrown a complete U-turn. I feel like I'm almost having to discover myself all over again.
Visited parents today. They inherited nannas house. It's been going to ruin for 10 years since she died. I entered . Dad had virtually ripped the place apart to start renovation and it felt like all the pictures in my head had no substance anymore. In my memories alone and no longer alive for my waking eyes to see or my skin to feel.
I went to the small bedroom where I had written messages on the wall, even those had faded, I guess I expecting things to be as my minds eye sees, but time has been erasing and fading all of those things. The world has moved on it is me that hasn't.
I search my soul for forgiveness, I hope I am strong enough to . I wonder if at the end he was sorry, and saw the harm caused. Why do people harm others, emptiness?. . Revenge and hate does not erase the pain in ones heart it just amplifies it. The world turns, people live, people die, people love while others cry. I strive to live in the world as it is now, to be part of it rather than just existing in it. One day, honey, one day x
Fed up of deceit and lonely skies. Bring back the rainbows in my eyes.
