don't think i'm actually doing well

FlyingPeanuts · 12-10-2022, 02:41 AM

okay, this is kind of taking all my strength to post because (insert whatever reason for not wanting/needing/deserving help/support i want to churn out this time)

i've had a pretty awful year. dropped out of uni again after my grandmother passed away. had to give up my cat and move away from my spouse after my landlord threw us out to sell the place. i'm back with my abusive mother who i've lived away from for 5 years. she's not only consistently being an awful parent, but she's also extremely transphobic and also homophobic. i'm stuck in a situation where i need to get a job to be able to get to live with my partner again, but because of where i'm living, as much as i think most of the time that it's okay (because survival, i guess), it's really bad here and i think my mental health has gotten bad enough that i probably won't be able to hold down a job. but i look like i'm functioning, and i'm not. i'm apparently very good at looking like i'm functioning. and i'm just stuck in between, convinced that either i'm exaggerating how my mother is, or otherwise thinking that no one will see past how much i have to seem vaguely functioning. i can only afford to see my partner once a week most weeks, and they're living near where all my friends are too. i have no one left near my mum's house, and i'm so lonely. i don't even know if this is coherent, or even what i want from this.

Auror. · 12-10-2022, 06:08 PM

Hi Kit,

We are so sorry to hear how awful things have been for you. We can only imagine how difficult it must be to be separated from your partner and cat. We know how much they both mean to you.

We do not have good words at the moment but we 100% believe you about how awful your mother is. We hope you can figure out a way out of there soon. <3

FlyingPeanuts · 18-10-2022, 06:29 PM

Thanks for responding. Words are hard at the moment.

I won't be getting my cat back, but she has a lovely home where I'd be able to visit her if I wanted. I'm glad she has that.

I try to see my partner for 2 hours a week at least but that isn't always possible. I see my friends during the weekends where I spend more time in that area, which is two consecutive weekends in the middle of the month. The rest of the time, I don't see people, or talk to people. I'm meant to be finding a job by my counsellor isn't too sure I should be working, even though I need a job to leave my mum's. I feel like I'm stuck in this cycle.

My mother keeps ramping up the things she says, doesn't listen to me, and is intentionally going out of her way to hurt me. I'm so scared of living here. I don't even feel safe typing the things she did to me as a kid, but she's always been abusive, and it ramped up after I came out. She gets angry when I avoid her, and she's just so wildly unpredictable that I don't know how best to deal with her outside of hiding. I keep thinking it's 2014 or earlier, and getting confused a lot, and it's all just really scary and hard.

Auror. · 30-10-2022, 08:31 PM

Wish we had better words. But we definitely believe you and it does sound like an awful cycle. Have you at least been able to see your partner and friends some? We hope so.

FlyingPeanuts · 10-11-2022, 12:18 AM

yeah, i've been able to spend a couple of days a month with my partner and see my friends every few weeks, luckily. it's the only thing that i genuinely look forward to.

i've sort of accepted i'm going to have to actually reach out to the professionals that are meant to be helping, but i don't know how to stop pretending to be fine in front of them. i don't know how to explain things to them when as soon as i actually need to talk about things, i just don't.

Elmer · 10-11-2022, 08:59 AM

Would taking posts from here and your RV be a helpful prompt? You could show them if talking is hard or use them to write a list of things to remind you to explain what’s difficult and why you’re maybe presenting differently to how you feel.

I hope you get some support with all this soon