I need a reason *suicide trig*

[Sketchy]

Sounds like a plan. Sometimes writing can be far easier than talking, plus you can take your time to get your point across. Keep posting here too. It helps to have an outlet, a space to talk.

[EMH]

i have a diary where i basically write everything in. most of the time it feels like its the only 'person' i can 'talk' to, having lost alot of people.
thank you for talking with me here.

[Sketchy]

You are very welcome.

A diary is a good idea. I'm glad it helps. Maybe I should try it, although I do write, including about my mental health. Keep writing.

[angel of despair]

Im glad the diary helps. I use to have one. It use to help a bit.

How are you today?

[EMH]

really awful tbh. called in sick off work. bf now thinks im lazy and i should have gone in.
referral came through. app is 9th feb. feels like a long way away.

[angel of despair]

Can you call them up and say how your feeling?

[EMH]

i dont think i can. i dont know what id say. tell the truth and say i want to kill myself, will get put on the ward. it may as well wait until the appointment. plus i really cant talk on the phone.
one day at a time. try to focus on distractions. thats how i live now. will try and continue.

[angel of despair]

Maybe just call them up and say your struggling? See if theyl bring it forward

[EMH]

I took the day off work for it today so can't move that now as need to give work advanced warning. I will be okay, I've waited this long I guess

[EMH]

why the f**k not eh.
mental illness has stolen my life
its stolen my dreams
its changed who i am
its made me mess up my opportunities
theres no coming back from this anymore
its just too late. i dont have any more hope left.
so why the f**k not just give it the one last thing it deserves
because im not going to make anything of this life am i
i will continue to fail, to upset, to waste it all.

[Sketchy]

How did your appointment go? Is there anything they are doing to help? Keep talking to people. I wish I knew how to help. I know you don't believe it, but things may change. Please stay safe.

[EMH]

the appointment was awful.
i was imagining the worse. that theyd ask about suicidal feelings etc and id tell them and they would send me to the ward, or theyd take my blood pressure see my arms and send me to A&E etc.
I was expecting something. But nothing happened. at all.
it lasted 20 minutes. In that time he asked a couple questions, sat there looking really bored, and made me another app which is in another months time.
he said the next one will be an assessment but im not expecting anything out of it other than him to send me away again with more waiting.

maybe i will live long enough to make it to the next app, but the way im feeling atm i dont think i want to.
i need all this to just stop. its all too much.
i dont think i can live for the 'good moments' when they are so fleeting and inbetween them is this unbearableness.

[Sketchy]

Hopefully the next appointment will be better. Were you able to talk about these thoughts? Is there someone you can talk to just now? Or someone to be around to keep you safe?

[EMH]

no i couldnt. he didnt even ask. i find it hard to trust people and ive just lost the one doctor i trusted who i spoke to for the last couple years and now i have a new person and i cant bear having to retell all my life again its too painful.
im going to see my parents tomorrow so have to keep myself alive for that.

[Sketchy]

It's hard to see someone new. I understand how stressful it is to talk to them, but what about writing it down for your next appointment?
I'm glad you are going to see your parents tomorrow. Do they know how much you are struggling?

[EMH]

but ive just lost all hope now. over more than a decade i dont even know how many people i have talked to about the various problems. this last doctor was the first that i clicked with, and now he is gone.
ive just given up. ive given up that they can help and i have zero desire to tell this new man anything. he wasnt even interested in me. honestly the only word is bored.
you know when youre just too tired to try, or care about trying. im there now and there really isnt much anyone can do. its been too long now.

parents dont know a thing. needs to stay that way.

[Sketchy]

The people that care about you want you alive. Does thinking about them help?

Could you give the doctor another chance and then maybe see someone else if it's possible?

[EMH]

I know they want me to be alive. So THEY won't miss me, so THEY won't be upset.
I'd they knew how much pain I've been in for all these years, would they reconsider?

If I'm alive at the time of my app I will see him and then make a decision about treatment

[Sketchy]

They would probably want to help you.

I'm sorry you've been in such pain, but maybe this new doctor will be able to help. Or maybe they could refer you to speak to someone.

I don't have the words to make it better, but I do hope you can stay safe. This world needs you and is better for having you in it.

[EMH]

Thank you for the support. I really do appreciate it. Hope things have picked up a bit for you?