I need a reason *suicide trig*

[EMH]

its the only basis on what i have to go on, what my head is telling me, and has told me for so so long. why wouldnt it be true.

[Sketchy]

I wish I knew what to suggest to make you feel better. What do you think the people around you would say if they knew you felt this way? I bet they are glad you are here. Do you think you could phone crisis if you are feeling unsafe?

[EMH]

if he knew how much it hurts to just be awake, would he still want me to be kept alive?

[Sketchy]

Things can get better though. You might not always feel like this. Are you getting any help with it? Do you have a doctor or therapist you could speak to? Sorry I can't remember if I've already asked you this.

[EMH]

but can they? really? it started when i was 12. im now 26. and yes, there have been times where it hasnt been as bad as other times. but i dont want to live for those 'better than shit' times. because i know it will come back down and it always does. and every time it does its harder to get back up and keep on going and i just dont have it in me anymore.
i saw my doctor a few weeks ago and he referred me to an outpatient thing but i havent seen them yet, still waiting. and tbh im not sure if i will even be able to talk to them. maybe 5 years ago i would have believed it could do something. but now...i just cant. every part of who i was is completely dead. i just need this pain to end.

[Sketchy]

Hopefully your appointment will be soon and they will be able to give support. I'm really sorry I don't know what to suggest, but I do hope you can reach out for help. I know these feelings are exhausting and distressing, but I really do hope you can stay safe.

[angel of despair]

Hey,

I really hope this appointment helps. If you ever need anyone to talk to i'm a message away x

[EMH]

thank you for your support, it really means alot.

I have a big exam coming up in May. Finding it really hard to cope with just being awake, let alone working towards exam and working full time. Hinted to my bf about taking a couple months off work so things dont seem so overwhelming and can focus on studies but he wont let me.
Just dont know how to deal with everything life is throwing at me. Its getting more complex and I just need to escape it all.
Havent heard anything from referral yet but he said it could take month. Lasting that long feels difficult.

[angel of despair]

Can you postphone the exam?

Are even drop down your hours?

I hope you hear from the refferal soon

[Sketchy]

I agree with angel of despair about dropping your hours. It's a good compromise and might take some of the pressure off a bit. Is there no way you can't talk him round to the idea of you taking time off? Your health comes first.

[EMH]

the problem is the place i work isnt very 'kind', and wont just let me work part time. so id have to get a new job. ive applied for a couple and not heard anything at all back recently, im just not good enough and really dont have extra energy to keep applying.
i dont know about talking to him again. he keeps changing his mind and im confused as to what im allowed to do. he says health is important but then labours the point ridiculously about how we will be short of money and need it for things etc, basically implying i cant cut back.

[angel of despair]

Would you be entitled to any benefits if you leave which may help you financially? If your to ill to work may be something to consider

[EMH]

No i don't think so. Plus, am I too sick? I make it in and do my job and hide it. Maybe I'm making it into something it's not. Maybe not of it is real.

[Sketchy]

Could you speak to your doctor? Is there any way you could have some time off with a doctors note.

[EMH]

I don't know. I don't want work to think I'm really bad. I will think. Maybe I can speak to them when the referral comes through. I don't know what they will want to do with me at the assessment. Worried they will trap me there

[Sketchy]

Is this a referral to the cmht? They won't trap you. They will just look at how they can help and what help you need. It's understandable to be worried though, but you are clearly struggling and needing support, so going to the referral is a step forward.

[angel of despair]

There are benefits you can get even if your partner is working it may be worth taking to cab maybe to see what options you have in that area. Id say if works making you more ill your to sick.

[EMH]

no its not cmht- i dont live in UK so its part of the local MH outpatient thing they have here.
last time i felt this suicidal and talked to doctor about it i was sectionned, and this time the outpatient is held by the hospital, so it will be easier for them.
and theres also the point where in my eyes it doesnt feel like a step forward, because i dont believe it will work, that im wasting their time, that i cant talk about all of the stuff in my head anyway.

[Sketchy]

Could you try writing it down for them? Maybe this time will be different. I know what it's like to be sectioned, so I do understand your fear.

[EMH]

yeah i could try writing a few things down.