A chance to work in the career you want sounds positive lovely. Do you think you could use looking into that as something that can give you some purpose for the next few days at least?
I wanted to ask you a few things but you don't have to talk about them at the moment if you don't want to.
Firstly what is making you feel it's the right time? And could you stay? Here? With us and keep talking to us?
For what it's worth Liv your life is going to get so much better than this. It's not going to leave you with unbearable lows or battling an all-consuming eating disorder. Ir's going to be freer, truer and more full of laughter and love than you can ever imagine. And you know what Liv? After you've experienced that then you might decide it's the right time, but not now darling, not tonight and not because of this.
I promise you there will be more to your life than this.
You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you wish to make.
I can try to use that as a sense of purpose. I loved working, I miss being at the office, the commute, the people, the research, writing, everything. I hate having nothing now. I was finally doing something of use and now I am back to just being a useless failure. There is no point to me.
I think it feels like the right time now because I'm not upset about it, I'm calm and certain. I don't want to die because I'm distressed, I just want to die because it feels ok. It would be a relief. I don't just 'not want to feel like this', I genuinely want to end my life. I research it, I read articles about it, I read what it would feel like, how to prepare, the practicalities.
But I am still reminding myself that it's still just a thought. I can try other things first. I am using distraction, trying self-care, joking and stuff. I am avoiding seeing people, but I still see my family and a couple of friends. I can try scrapbooking and maybe writing again. I am trying.
^what you've described is a severe episode of depression - you don't have to be in distress to consider ending your life, equally, the thoughts and feelings that you are ready to die now, will pass as they are part of an illness. Would it help to think of them as symptoms that by their nature will fluctuate and get better?
Is there any way you could do the kind of work you were doing for somewhere voluntarily? To keep your hand in and to keep you having a sense of purpose.
It does help to think of it like that. I don't always believe it, but it's helpful to remind myself even when it doesn't feel true, to remind me that it will pass again and I've felt better before.
I don't know that I could do the same kind of work voluntarily (in the same area anyway), but I could have a look into it. What I love is research and writing, so even if I can't do it 'properly' I could try to do a bit just for myself at home maybe, to keep my mind busy.
Thank you for the replies, I really really do appreciate it so much.
I do have a degree, yes. That's a good idea, as behavioural research is what I was doing for a job anyway and what I want to keep doing, and my MSc uni was only about an hour's travel away. I have been considering seeing whether I might be able to do the last module I'd need to get my MSc accredited by the BPS. I switched it because I couldn't cope with the assessment for it, and it doesn't really matter because I don't want to be an accredited sport psychology practitioner, but it would be a good focus, if I could cope with the assessment now. But I don't know. I dont know what to do.
I've written a letter to the police, just in case. To sort out the practicalities just in case I die.
I think that I am just a lost cause. I have been screwed up for so long. There is no hope, and I cannot bear to live like this forever. I am not even upset or distressed. I just feel detached and tired.
I harmed myself last night. Partly in an attempt to damage my throat, because if I cannot physically swallow I cannot eat anything anymore. But Sussex Mental Health Line called emergency services and instead I had two ambulances round. They wanted me to go to hospital. They said it was serious, I have suicidal intentions and it is an emergency. I don't want to be in hospital, I desperately don't, so they did eventually let me stay home, with the agreement to call 999 if I need to. I'm seeing my care coordinator on Monday anyway and he rang me today, so I am getting help.
But I am just feeling so down and shaken and withdrawn and alone. I'm trying to use distractions, keep busy and take things one day at a time. But I just needed to write. I just need everything to shut down for a while. I don't want to function anymore, I want it to stop.
First off, I just want to thank you for sharing. I know even that can be difficult sometimes. And please know that you aren't alone in this. I know people say that all the time, but it is so very true. I know what it's like to be suicidal, and I am so sorry. It's terrible. But listen, even though I don't know you...I would say you are none of those things you described yourself as. You want to be loved. I get that. We all want that! I'm glad you were able to get some sort of help. But yeah facing the world is so hard. There are so many unknowns, and sometimes you just can't deal with that. But that's okay! No one is perfect...no one knows 100% of what they are going to do or what is going to happen. Stick in there. You're strong. I mean you are because you posted on here. That takes something. I believe in you. It's hard to see it now, but maybe from what you're going through, it could help someone else out! So don't think too negatively...there's still some positive out there. :)
I am on a Section 2 now. I have been for a week now, after spending 4 days in a 136 suite.
Eating is non-existent and I have lost any part of Liv. My brain is anorexia. I am consumed and I can't see any choice or any hope. I spent a night in A&E on Tuesday on a glucose drip, I am having blood sugars checked multiple times a day, they are giving me options of either drinking sugary tea or calling the ambulance again. I panic if I am faced with food or water. I tried to run, tried to hurt myself, am on bare room. They have made a referral to an EDU because they said they can't manage my ED here.
Today I have tried to find Liv again. I have told them I want to try and eat at lunch. A tiny part of me is trying so hard to fight today. I want some leave at Christmas, I just want to be home. But I am so terrified and so confused and so low and so out of control and so alone. I am so exhausted. It is taking all my energy to stand up or walk. All I can do at the moment is colour. I try exercising when I can but it is so hard to stop. I am trying to listen to that tiny part today. The little part of my head that says I can't do this anymore, I want to try and get better. But I am so confused and desperate and scared.
Getting better is scary. When you've come to rely on certain coping strategies for a long time they appear almost like old friends. And it's hard to give up a friendship even if it is a destructive one.
You are in a relatively safe place right now and i urge you to take advantage of that. Whenever you feel doubt about wanting to get better, talk to someone about it. I know for me it helps to feel validated in order to keep my motivation to stay well. And sometimes all ypu need is someone to listen. Someone who can just sit with you as you attempt to tear down the walls you've built around yourself.
You built this wall to protect yourself but it has served its purpose now. It is okay now to leave this coping strategy behind and it doesn't make you a bad person. I know you are strong enough to reclaim the life you want. To search for a better day tomorrow. And yes, it is scary and it will be hard but what do you really have to lose???? It has the potential to get so much better than it is now. If you stay on this path i fear only death will await you. And that would be such a waste of life and love and potential.
Talk to people. Question the old thought patterns. And challenge them. Give yourself this chance. You deserve it more than anyone!!!!
It does indeed feel terrifying to give up the ED. I can't find Liv, all I can hear is anorexia. But I have really opened up to the psychologist tonight, and talked a lot about the ED thoughts.
I have had an awful day. I am so so angry and I don't know why, I'm just terrified of eating and hating having no leave to go home and I want everyone to be angry and hate me so they give up on me and let me die. I threw all my clothes away except the ones I'm wearing, kicked the walls and bruised all my hand punching the wall. They say it''s OK, it''s not like me, but I hate myself so so much. I am just so frightened and angry and I just have to lose weight and exercise, I cannot bear looking like this anymore. I am grotesque. Disgusting. Horrific. I am so ugly and so ashamed.
Lunch went OK yesterday, I had dinner too and kept it down. I did have dinner today but didn't manage a lot, I hid it. But tomorrow is a new day (again), so I'm trying for lunch and dinner again.
I haven't posted for a while, but I was discharged from my section and to go home today.
Things have been pretty bad still. I had no leave over Christmas, spent Christmas Eve in tears over having to drink juice in order to avoid a trip to A&E, then the same again on Tuesday night and Thursday morning as my blood sugars keep dropping so low. I've ended up with a member of staff physically lifting the cup to my lips and tipping the fluid in because I just cannot do it, and I had a serious incident on Tuesday night resulting in an hour's restraint, which has been pretty hard to 'get over'.
But I tried drinking juice last night on my own to get my sugar levels up, managed juice this morning, lunch and even a couple of bites of dinner, which is a massive change from recently.
Charge nurse today said he thinks I will be back in soon. He said he didn't want me going home yet, he stopped the consultant from doing it last week. He thinks I look dizzy and ill and that I need serious help still.
But I am home. Under the crisis team seeing them daily. I'm just exhausted at the moment. From all this and from the eating. Agreed that the main priority for now is just rest and quiet time, focus on distractions.
I am struggling to accept that I am a lot more unwell than I have realised in a long time. It is hard to find any hope of recovery right now.
I'm sorry to hear you were in hospital over xmas that must've really sucked. I hope you able to make the best of a bad situation.
Sometimes when we are poorly it can be really hard to actually see it ourselves. I've been there before myself and others on here will have been as well. And I guess that is sometimes part of being unwell is not having that insight that you would usually have which can be frustrating.
I hope you are feeling a bit better physically, as it does sound like your body is struggling a lot right now.
Keep talking lovely <3
'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change ♥
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