It's been a while... please help

[ProzacSmile]

Hi all
Its been years since I've even looked at RYL. But I have a lot to thank this site for. I met my best friend on here and she's been my rock for 7 years. I have had so much advice and support from here & I'm hoping it may be able to help me again.

I'm now 30, married to the most amazing man and mother to 2 beautiful yet challenging boys with Special Needs. They are 6 and 4 and take up a lot of my energy. I love them so much and wouldn't change them but sometimes I look at them and want to cry. Cry for the ordinary lives they most likely won't have (1 will most likely not live independently), cry for the world that won't understand them, and cry for what they do to me.. then cry more for being selfish.

I haven't cut for years. I will never know how I haven't, I think most of it is fear of losing my husband (when I met him I was in a real bad place so he's seen it all before). I've also managed to give up smoking (again, no idea how!). But I am struggling currently with other issues.

I have lost a lot of weight over the last few years, but recently have been stuck in a massive rut. I hate that I've put weight on but I can't get myself together. I wish I had the will to stop eating. I wish I could purge like my bestie does. Which then makes me feel terrible and disgusting for even thinking it. I take laxatives every day and sometimes a lot but it never seems to do anything to my weight. I try drinking alcohol instead of eating and that doesn't help either.

I know some of this is a problem with willpower and determination but I also feel some of this is my way of harming myself. But it also feels like I'm failing miserably at doing it which then makes me feel worthless.

I know all this is long, and probably makes no sense but please someone tell me I'm not alone??

Thanks all, it's good to be back xxxx

[Whichyway]

Being that bestie just highlights what a **** job I am doing at being supportive really doesn't it!! You know how much I love you, hubster loves you and how amazing your boys are but I know at times how little comfort that brings you. That is the bitching part of BPD, you don't give yourself the time to appreciate these things and time becomes your enemy (guilty as charged here too) talking to you about my own feelings is not easy for me and trust has taken me an awfully long time. You honestly know that you do not want to go down the road that I have taken and I am struggling to let go of. Purging is a horrible thing, a thing I would not wish on my worst enemy let alone my best friend. I love you was too much. In an ideal world you would see that and you wouldn't even be considering it. You are such an amazing person for realising that you need to reach out for support an I am so proud of you. Being on the inside here an knowing you so well I know this phase will pass and I am here for you all the time, whenever you want to talk or moan or just laugh and forget everything. I love you.

[ProzacSmile]

Quote:

Originally Posted by iliketea416

You're absolutely not alone, not at all. I'm sorry things have become so difficult for you after all this time. Do you know what's triggered it, other than your weight gain (which I understand can be completely devastating when you've lost it in the past)?

It's definitely not selfish feeling bad for the life your sons will "never have". I thin that's a normal mother's reaction. If you can, try and focus on the successes they have had already and the ones they may achieve in the future. I know it's difficult when you have children with special needs as they may not hit the cultural milestones but it definitely doesn't mean their lives will be empty or worthless. You love them and I have no doubt you do everything you can as their mum to make their lives rich and full. They will know that you love them and that in turn will help them be happy.

I'm a little concerned about your laxative use and your comment about wishing you could purge like your best friend. Is there someone, a mental health professional, you could reach out to discuss the thoughts surrounding your disordered eating? If you can, I think it's worth trying to "catch yourself early" with this one and put as much support in place as possible because you walk too far down this road.

Thinking of you. x

Thank you for your reply. I really can't put my finger on anything that's triggered me. I'm just feeling totally worthless.

I love my boys so much but sometimes I feel really alone. I get amazing support from friends, family and professionals, but no one goes through what I do with them. I'm the one who always gets the worst bits. I know it's my job as their mum to be that person and I really appreciate that they are who they are and always will be but sometimes I just wish I got a break. Then I feel awful like I don't have a right.

I'm stuck in a rut with weightloss and the problem is I know full well it's my own fault but still I can't seem to help myself. The laxatives are the desperate part of me that takes over when the fat part of me stuffs myself. Just a never ending circle.

I feel very much like I'm making no sense and I've not said any of this to anyone before so still feels to me like absolute rubbish!

[ProzacSmile]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Whichyway

Being that bestie just highlights what a **** job I am doing at being supportive really doesn't it!! You know how much I love you, hubster loves you and how amazing your boys are but I know at times how little comfort that brings you. That is the bitching part of BPD, you don't give yourself the time to appreciate these things and time becomes your enemy (guilty as charged here too) talking to you about my own feelings is not easy for me and trust has taken me an awfully long time. You honestly know that you do not want to go down the road that I have taken and I am struggling to let go of. Purging is a horrible thing, a thing I would not wish on my worst enemy let alone my best friend. I love you was too much. In an ideal world you would see that and you wouldn't even be considering it. You are such an amazing person for realising that you need to reach out for support an I am so proud of you. Being on the inside here an knowing you so well I know this phase will pass and I am here for you all the time, whenever you want to talk or moan or just laugh and forget everything. I love you.

Don't you ever say that. You are the best friend a girl could have. I just don't want to waste my breath or your time cos it's all total rubbish. I love that you can talk to me and open up to me about things and I don't want u to ever think u can't. That's another reason.

I love you so much and definitely couldn't be without you xxxxx

[MyLastKiss]

OMG you really have a wonderful thing going.
Take care of each other
xoxox