For the past few weeks I've been through one of the most painfullest thing anyone could go through. My ex partner and father of my daughter committed suicide by taking a poison which caused him to have a heart attack which he was given CPR and came out of it but went to the hospital who put him in an induced coma and had a brain scan all normal, after i never got any info what happened but i'm guessing he had a cardiac arrest which starved his brain of oxygen and he was declared brain damaged and died four days later. Though we wasn't together he was the love of my life, a friend, my soulmate and now i just feel lost, numb and totally dead inside. Though I've always felt like crap and a part of me was dying anyway, i'm now officially dead with only my family and daughter being my life support. I'm never going to laugh, smile in the same way again, i will never be happy. I will never be ale to love a man like i did him and fear that i'm gonna be a lonely, single, depressed mum. Luckily i dont have it in me to turn to alcohol or drugs as it wont numb the pain anyway. More worryingly i worry about my daughters future on not having a dad, a few weeks ago i was worrying about a non consistent half alcoholic, i'd rather worry about that than this! i worry on how she will cope etc.. luckily shes two and a half so she doesn't understand right now.
I just keep thinking why, how, this doesn't seem like him, i know he was in pain and desperate but he had loads of friends, family, video games/tv series which always kept him sane in desperate times so he told me, what happened that day to make him do it, what made him leave our daughter like this, his friends, his family, it doesn't seem him at all.
I blame myself he became withdrawn with me for the past six months but he seemed to be a bit more positive about the future arranging to have a tattoo sleeve done, sent in for his provisional, volunteering. I also new he was worried about money as he wasn't doing very well with it and his PIP form he was worrying about and the fact that i told him to contribute half of our daughters nursery funds and now i should of told him to not worry about it, i'll take care of it. A few months ago i had to flush that plant down his toilet, a few weeks later he thanked me but said he had some more, why didn't i act. I said i'd tell his mum bu he swore on our daughter and that he wouldn't do anything. The week before his death he didn't attend his support groups which was odd as he never fails to miss even one, he was an extrovert. The last time i ever seen him alive was three days before his suicide we were at a gig, he seemed ok, i knew he still felt black inside but there was a sign of life emerging from him and it was great to see but i should of seen this as a sign that he's made peace with death as well. I should of seen the signs he gave them so silently and secretly they were hardly noticeable but i should of known more as i'm the suicide queen. If i did maybe he would still be here. I was a bit cruel to him but i thought he was treating me like crap but now i know it was probably in my own head.
When i went to see him in hospital if things couldn't get an worse to deal with i found that he had a secret life aswell and had a apparent girlfriend who was there stroking his hair, saying ''i love you baby'' and was clinging to his mum like a fucking monkey. She went in all of the consultant appointments, put down on the form she was a 'girlfriend' and got to watch him die, stay with his mum, the whole process and that person should of been me. I understand that she had to go in there because she was there when the incident happened but she was irrelevant after. non of his friends new who she was, he told them she was a bit of company, bit of fun, nothing serious which i believe. The guy couldn't do relationships, he couldn't love, he was mentally ill. Whatever happened with them is obviously irrelevant now, i don't care about that, if he was alive i would be angry ha! but the fact that she made it hard for his friends and everyone else involved, she wasn't even his type. He was very close to his friends, he had a waiting room full of them. As well this girlfriend has claimed they've been going out for six months and that's not true at all as me and him had sex on Halloween and his friends have told me that's not true, shes only known him for a month and half and has told six different stories on what happened that day. She also has been over protective over his phone and while at the hospital was by his bedside on her phone looking bored as hell. It just made me want to smack her and made me feel violently sick, how dare she but obviously kept it cool. She said she found it hard 'me' being there and she told a very, very good friend of his to get out the room at one point when he'd not even been there 5 minutes. Though she is nothing and irrelevant, it was still a shock, i felt left out by his family and hurt, though as well i cant imagine what there going through and it for me was just a lot to deal with, with already dealing with the love of my life dying.
I have a bit of light but fear its coming to quickly, i should be lying in bed, not eating, sleeping etc.. but i'm not im able to function though i would LOVE to curl up in bed and say fuck to the world but i can't. Its made me think of my life in a different way i'm doing a scrapbook about his life to give to my daughter, i feel 1% relief his not in any emotional pain anymore, i see how liberating it is to breathe, think, see all the human functions and how special it is to be human, i can see a future for myself in a way, i feel like i should live for him what he couldn't able to do.
but i'm also thinking strongly and a lot about suicide, i feel like i should be with him, this earth doesn't seem right living without him, i wanna be with my baby boy! I finally know what can kill me now. There's a gaping hole now that nobody will ever be able to fill Though i ent religious I've been looking up the 'afterlife' and how to contact him in that way even though i don't believe in it at all, why am i doing this, it isn't normal. I haven't even cried, I've had moments but i'm not much of a crier anyway, i just feel unbearable emotional pain, i get moments of numbness which i see as a break from the pain, then i feel angry at him for leaving us all in this way but this pain just makes me want to die. I also have weird thoughts of his body now and how after the funeral its going to decay in the ground, i don't know why i'm having these thoughts i don't want to it breaks my heart so much. his body cold, decaying to just skeleton. Such a young, amazing, intelligent human being and so beautiful. What made him do it that day, what happened, what was the last thing he heard, seen etc.. so many questions, i feel like ive been shot 10000000x times.
Sorry this is so long, i just needed to get it out!
Last edited by tiptoes : 20-12-2015 at 08:26 PM.
Reason: Removed specific poison
Sorry to hear you've been through such a huge trauma, compounded by the immature and insensitive behaviour of his 'girlfriend'. I hope it helped at least a little bit to get it all out here.
Try if you can not to speculate too much about his reasons for taking his own life and things you feel you should or shouldn't have done/noticed. Ultimately we can never know what is going on inside someone else's head and it's impossible to live your whole life only making choices to try to prevent someone's suicide- for example, with your daughter's nursery fund, it was as much his financial responsibility as yours and you couldn't have postponed asking him to pay his share indefinitely out of fear of causing difficulties for him.
What support do you have around you at the moment? Are there people who can help with the care of your daughter to allow you to have some space to process all of this and grieve?
Sorry to hear you've been through such a huge trauma, compounded by the immature and insensitive behaviour of his 'girlfriend'. I hope it helped at least a little bit to get it all out here.
Try if you can not to speculate too much about his reasons for taking his own life and things you feel you should or shouldn't have done/noticed. Ultimately we can never know what is going on inside someone else's head and it's impossible to live your whole life only making choices to try to prevent someone's suicide- for example, with your daughter's nursery fund, it was as much his financial responsibility as yours and you couldn't have postponed asking him to pay his share indefinitely out of fear of causing difficulties for him.
What support do you have around you at the moment? Are there people who can help with the care of your daughter to allow you to have some space to process all of this and grieve?
It did a little. It even fears me that shes going to get the 'honor' of going in the actual funeral cars, i shouldn't even be worrying about this and i know his mum is in a place i cant imagine but i still will not sit well with this, i wouldn't cause a scene or anything there or anything, i'd suppress it like i usually do but small part of me could not forgive her if this happens. I know i sound horrible and like a brat but i am more family than whatever that was.
I know that's what everyone's been saying and i know that's true but i keep thinking if i hadn't of met him 3 years ago i wouldn't of made his life worse, as when i meet people i just hurt them, i know he was ill before that (not as bad) but if he hadn't of met me, he would still be here, if i told his mum about that plant but i trusted him, i thought i could, i know he done things in the past which ended him up in hospital but i didn't think in a million years he'd go this far after i thought he was doing so well. How is my daughter going to cope!? I'm so thankful on both sides she has amazing family around her and even his friends have said 'if your daughter needs anything were here''. It just wont stop going round in my head though.
I live 70 miles away from my folks but have been staying with them and i am until January and ive took a break from my intense therapy and they said thats ok but i have to make January but i find 70 miles away i'm so isolated and worry so much being on my own especially lately. The people at the therapy say to keep coming, i need it right now but they don't understand that i'm so isolated and i cant just go home after the session to my folks as i haven't got the money so i have no idea what to do about that.
Being at my folks is support and they help out as much as they can and shes been living with my folks anyway while I've been receiving this therapy but i feel like i'm either suppressing it as i'm putting on a mask so it only comes out when i'm alone because i don't want to be morbid around them or i'm doing ok as if i was on my own it would all come out but aswell i would be a danger to myself. I even ordered the poison this morning :( I don't know what i'm capable of at the moment.
I don't know if that makes any sense. Thank you for replying :)
I couldn't not reply to this when I saw. I'll come back and reply to this properly later but I can't image what you're going through right now. I have huge respect for the amount of strength is must take to endure such trauma but it's definitely possible to get through it. Please PM me if you want and I'll write a proper reply later. Much love x
You don't sound like a brat at all. In your position I would be livid! Have there been any developments in the funeral plans?
Quote:
Originally Posted by emmyloves
I know that's what everyone's been saying and i know that's true but i keep thinking if i hadn't of met him 3 years ago i wouldn't of made his life worse, as when i meet people i just hurt them, i know he was ill before that (not as bad) but if he hadn't of met me, he would still be here, if i told his mum about that plant but i trusted him, i thought i could, i know he done things in the past which ended him up in hospital but i didn't think in a million years he'd go this far after i thought he was doing so well.
I know how tempting it is to get caught up in this cycle of "if I'd done this", "if I hadn't done that", but it really is all a guessing a game and not worth your energy. You are not responsible for someone else's actions, especially not those of an ex and this is not your fault. Also, I imagine that you had an overall positive impact on his life and highly doubt that you made his life worse or that if he hadn't have met you he would still be here. On this occasion everything was just too much and he became too ill and unfortunately he took his own life. All of that is completely independent of you and you do not need to blame yourself.
I'm sorry to hear you've ordered the poison- do you think you'd be able to tell your parents about it and they would be able to help you dispose of it?
In terms of your therapy, is there any option of getting therapy closer to where your parents live, if you think staying with your parents more long term would be beneficial?
You don't sound like a brat at all. In your position I would be livid! Have there been any developments in the funeral plans?
I know how tempting it is to get caught up in this cycle of "if I'd done this", "if I hadn't done that", but it really is all a guessing a game and not worth your energy. You are not responsible for someone else's actions, especially not those of an ex and this is not your fault. Also, I imagine that you had an overall positive impact on his life and highly doubt that you made his life worse or that if he hadn't have met you he would still be here. On this occasion everything was just too much and he became too ill and unfortunately he took his own life. All of that is completely independent of you and you do not need to blame yourself.
I'm sorry to hear you've ordered the poison- do you think you'd be able to tell your parents about it and they would be able to help you dispose of it?
In terms of your therapy, is there any option of getting therapy closer to where your parents live, if you think staying with your parents more long term would be beneficial?
I know I'm not responsible what maybe i caused it or the trigger. Like I have eating issues and then he clocked on and started just eating one meal a day because he was quite big and so insecure about himself, i kept reassuring him he was ok and I said he was perfect (because to me he was) I only ever told him that when we were in a relationship because its inappropriate as a friend, argh i dunno, i know its a waste of energy but it wont stop, i want it to stop!!!) He never believed the positive. Not just that, just other things as well. Sorry if that sounded i was having a go i really wasn't and thank you for your reply. x
I told my therapy about it last week and they were worried to send me back to my place so they waited for me to see the crisis team for two hours, my therapists left, seen them for 10 mins or so and they basically said ''well if your gonna do it, we cant stop you and watch you 24/7'' which i get, i didn't want to see them anyway and they sent me back to my flat in a taxi. The seeds hadn't come. So i went off to my folks for Christmas, my phone had died and when i got back to my folks, the crisis team and a mention of a social worker had called to tell them everything and they'd even phoned his mum which i thought was inappropriate especially with all shes going through and they wanted to do a second assessment and section me but nothing what so ever was mentioned about that when i seen the crisis team, they were the ones that booked the taxi and they didn't mean a second assessment o my home because they new i was traveling down to my folks.
I'm due back in therapy 4th of Jan and i plan to do something after the funeral which is on the 8th, i'm so desperate. The only euphoria i get is fantasizing about taking my life and looking up ways online before io go to bed. I just keep thinking (i don't know what happens at funerals, only go by what I've seen on telly) but some people go up and read a few words and memory's of them and if she gets the pleasure of ''going up there, declaring her love to him'' i just don't think i could ever look at his mum but i might just be, being paranoid. I'm glad when its out the way to be honest.
So i'm under the crisis team in my folks hometown and there seeing me every two days, I've told them everything, hospitals been asked about and sleeping tablets have been mentioned, think i'm seeing the doc tomorrow. I don't think this therapy as intense as this is available, if i could travel up three days a week then i would but i wouldn't be able to afford it.
My close friend is really doing my head in at the moment (sorry this is just a vent) but shes going on ''how its so hard for her as shes split up with her boyfriend from 8 years and it was the first Christmas without him and really laying it on'', i'm being supportive as i can but i'm just finding it so inappropriate at the moment. I think id rather go through the pain of splitting up with a boyfriend than this to be honest. I haven't said anything to her as she has mental health and I really don't want to upset her or maybe she just isn't aware. Sorry just had to get that out. lol!
