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Hate my life
I'm so sick of everything right now and feel like i'm really struggling lately to the point i don't want to live anymore, i just want all this crap to end and don't want to hear life will get better
I'm in intense psychotherapy, 3 days a week, half 10 til half 2. I'm seven months in and don't feel like 'm getting anywhere, i feel exactly the same. My daughter lives with my folks in Birmingham whilst i live in Derby. I travel up every week on Friday evening and stay over til Monday morning to spend time with her, i hate being without her, but this was the only way as i couldn't get childcare. I am so isolated up here, i literally don't have anyone, i hate it and meeting new people scares me. I moved up here two years ago to make a relationship work with my daughters dad but yeah that didn't work out. He suffers with BPD and has an alcohol problem. Been thinking about quitting therapy but don't know if this is the right thing to do as my feelings change all the freakin time and i know i will sabotage and blame them for rejection and i don't want to do that but feel i'm getting nowhere at the same time. I'm so lonely up here, i don't look after myself, i see no one all week a part from my therapy, thats my only human contact. I don't even want to function most days and my anxiety's always high.
I've been trying to self soothe with taking a hot bath, focus on my blog that i'm working on etc.. but nothing seems to work, i just want to jump off my balcony and for this pain to end. I feel community based support like a CPN would be so much more useful to me as i don't feel i have anything to work on in my past apart from these behaviours, but i have no idea on how to look after myself. On some weeks i binge then some weeks i live on a hot chocolate a day and then go burn it off at the gym, my flats a mess, i hate myself soooooooo much. I feel so dead and empty inside all the time.
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