I have just been on holiday and had the best time. It was great. Hot, sunny, amazing food, wonderful.
On a night out, I had drunk a bit too much to stay out and a man from the hotel walked home with me. When we got back, he followed me to my room and threw me onto the bed and tried to sleep with me. I thought I just had to take it, just sobbing on the bed, but as soon as his penis touched me I instinctively screamed at him to get out. Thank God he did. He apologised, telling me, "I am good man."
I feel disgusting. My cousin (who I went with) told me not to blame myself and I am trying not to, but I'm thinking of all the f***ing stupid things I did wrong. I want to cry and cry and cry. I feel so violated. I didn't want to let it ruin my holiday and it didn't, but now I'm home I am just killing myself thinking and thinking about this vile creature and his vile penis and I never want to see one again. I feel sick. I feel filthy. Not amount of washing could get this off.
I don't know how to deal with this. I feel like it was my fault. Was it? Was I too suggestive? Did I ask for it? Am I stupid for drinking? Should I have done more to avoid it? I don't know. I feel like such an idiot.
I'm really sorry to post, I just don't know how to deal with all these emotions.
For you to be here now trillions of drifting atoms had somehow to assemble in an intricate and intriguingly obliging manner to create you. It's an arrangement so specialized and particular that it has never been tried before and will only exist this once. That is of course the miracle of life.
-Bill Bryson
Don't ever frown because you never know who's falling in love with your smile.
No. You're not the one who threw someone onto a bed and tried to have sex with them while they were crying.
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Originally Posted by Gracious
Was I too suggestive?
No. Being suggestive doesn't mean you are giving someone permission to come into your room and try to have sex with you.
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Originally Posted by Gracious
Did I ask for it?
Did you at any point whilst crying on the bed say "Hey, let's have sex!"? If not, then no.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gracious
Am I stupid for drinking?
No. Almost everyone drinks and most people drink a little too much sometimes. It doesn't give people permission to take advantage of you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gracious
Should I have done more to avoid it?
No. He should have done more to avoid it. Like not trying to have sex with someone who was crying.
I am so sorry that this happened to you and I hope my responses above tell you that no, this is not your fault and you are not the one who did something wrong.
Last edited by Pi.R^2 : 01-09-2015 at 06:44 PM.
Reason: worst grammar in the world
I am so so sorry this happened to you. I can't imagine how distressing it is for you but I want to say how brave you are to share this, and also to have yelled at him to get out. I'd also like to echo 100% what's been said above and quote Jenna's whole post - you did absolutely nothing wrong and are not responsible for another person's actions. xxx
The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving. I didn't want to destroy anything or anybody. I just wanted to slip quietly out the back door, without causing any fuss or consequences, and then not stop running until I reached Greenland.
Elizabeth Gilbert
This sounds really awful and I'm not surprised your traumatised by it. It sounds very scary.
It was not your fault at all.
Being drunk is not an excuse for him to take advantage.
I'm in a rape case at the moment where I was drunk when it happened and the police and crisis centre have both told me that drinking is not an excuse for someone to try and have sex with you against your will.
Can you get any support from a counsellor for how you feel?
The average,
well-adjusted adult
gets up at 7.30am feeling just plain terrible.
Call me Kate.
I have dyslexia so please excuse my poor spelling and sometimes poor understanding.
Thank you so much to all of you. You have really made me feel like my feelings are valid.
It's torture. I dreamed about it. Woke up thinking about it. It's still so fresh, but I don't know how long these feelings will last for. I just hope not long.
I don't have a mental health team, but I'm going to start counselling when I move to university (which is just over three weeks away). I can bring it up then.
I'm a month and a half free of cutting which is so big for me but I just don't know how to deal with these emotions without it. I was so ready to get better. It all feels like it was in vain. I want to cry and cry and cry. I don't know how to feel. I have managed to distract myself for the most part today but I still keep feeling him on me, feeling him touching me... It's so horrible. I feel it like it's actually happening. I can't make it stop. He was disgusting. I hate him.
For you to be here now trillions of drifting atoms had somehow to assemble in an intricate and intriguingly obliging manner to create you. It's an arrangement so specialized and particular that it has never been tried before and will only exist this once. That is of course the miracle of life.
-Bill Bryson
Don't ever frown because you never know who's falling in love with your smile.
I'm ridiculous. Sorry. For posting. He didn't even go inside me. I don't know why I'm being so melodramatic.
For you to be here now trillions of drifting atoms had somehow to assemble in an intricate and intriguingly obliging manner to create you. It's an arrangement so specialized and particular that it has never been tried before and will only exist this once. That is of course the miracle of life.
-Bill Bryson
Don't ever frown because you never know who's falling in love with your smile.
It's a horrible experience either way. Him not being inside of you doesn't
mean your feelings aren't valid.
You have any right to feel the way you are. Please keep reaching out.
It's not at all ridiculous. I felt a man's penis on me before he technically raped me, and honestly feeling it on me was so awful, so I understand why it is so traumatic for you. I have had flashbacks to that moment (in my early days of counselling for it) so it's hard, I hope you know it's okay to feel what you feel and that your feelings are valid.
It gets easier, though. It does. The feelings get less intense and the memories do not come as often.
I had urges to self harm too, for me I found talking to people (like helplines) was good and also writing here was useful, including using a rant thread to document my thoughts and feelings. Helped me get it out of my head a bit.
Keep reaching out here, we are on your side and all here for you.
Yesterday I told my stepdad what happened. He hugged me and it just felt nice. I'm so lucky to have him.
I feel absolutely positively crap. I struggled to get out of bed today and I couldn't go to my gym class this evening. My stepdad told my mum to be nice (she is usually demanding) and she is being, though she doesn't know what happened. I hope the niceness lasts.
I didn't sleep. I'm exhausted. But I can't sleep. I'm trying to take my mind off it but it won't go away. I'm supposed to be doing stuff over the next few weeks, but it feels impossible. I want to bail and stay in bed forever. I feel physically weak. My appetite is nill.
I'm scared because I feel like the only way to escape this is to die. I have a plan and I'm just so frightened I'll do it. I want so much to escape this feeling.
Sexual assault/rape is just... I never thought it'd happen to me. God it's so hard. I feel crippled in pain. I haven't felt this bad since a trauma I suffered years ago now. I just want it to go away.
I know this is so rambly. I'm sorry. I just need somewhere to talk.
For you to be here now trillions of drifting atoms had somehow to assemble in an intricate and intriguingly obliging manner to create you. It's an arrangement so specialized and particular that it has never been tried before and will only exist this once. That is of course the miracle of life.
-Bill Bryson
Don't ever frown because you never know who's falling in love with your smile.
I don't know where to go from here to find someone to talk to about it. I'm moving far away in three weeks so there's little point in sorting something for here now. But idk how to hold on until I have support in place. I have nothing.
How can I get immediate support?
For you to be here now trillions of drifting atoms had somehow to assemble in an intricate and intriguingly obliging manner to create you. It's an arrangement so specialized and particular that it has never been tried before and will only exist this once. That is of course the miracle of life.
-Bill Bryson
Don't ever frown because you never know who's falling in love with your smile.
I have found a few helplines that I will ring tomorrow. Not sure it's worth going to the doctor. They seem to only be aware of waiting lists, waiting lists, and more waiting lists.
I had this coming to me. I deserve it for being a slut before. I am disgusting. I'm a filthy slut. Serves me right for the things I've done. I deserve it. He knew I deserved it, he was reminding me that I am a f***ing dirty little slut. He could tell. I needed putting in my place.
For you to be here now trillions of drifting atoms had somehow to assemble in an intricate and intriguingly obliging manner to create you. It's an arrangement so specialized and particular that it has never been tried before and will only exist this once. That is of course the miracle of life.
-Bill Bryson
Don't ever frown because you never know who's falling in love with your smile.
Take a step back and read that last paragraph you wrote. What would you be saying if someone else wrote that after having been assaulted? Or if someone said that to someone else who had been assaulted?
Whether or not someone has been a 'slut' in the past is irrelevant to their entitlement to not be touched without their consent.
