I don't know why I feel the need to say this, but I'm paranoid. I feel so ill and can't sleep, but I promise that's it. I've not been drinking. I promise. I am so scared it looks bad, being up so late. I hate that I've created this situation where I'm worried that you will think I've been drinking if silly things like being awake at 2am happens >.<
Why am I always the one to apologise?
I'm not going to feel guilty for things anymore. I'm sad that we can't communicate properly but if you think you can hurt me by silence and guilt trip me into living my life the way you want you're wrong. My self esteem doesn't live and die by your behaviour towards me anymore.
You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you wish to make.
I still have those same intrustive thoughts all the time. Since last year. But don't worry, I won't tell anyone, not after how you reacted when I told you before. I get it now, you don't want to know that stuff. That's fine, at least I know, and I respect that. But if it's ever too late, well, you were the one person I trusted enough to tell and you just got mad at me and not at all concerned so...it's fine, it's f**king fine. I know where I stand now, both with you, and in this world. I'm nothing, totally irrelevant. And that's fine with me, I can "live" with that. I don't care anymore either.
I feel crap. I don't know why, and I don't know how to change it. I want to be held but I want to curl up in the corner at the same time. I've done nothing all day and I'm sorry.
Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity
To seize everything you've ever wanted
One moment
Would you capture it?
Or just let it slip?
I told you that I don't want to live anymore, and you ignored me... that hurt deeper than when you told me you don't love me anymore.
I want to believe that the way I am is just the way it goes. For the things that came, not the things I chose
to come. I want to know if I had any control. I want to know if it’d comfort me. And if my heart just stops, pack my memories in it-
I want to know all the love I’ve got. And if my heart just stops, keep me alive for a minute- I want to know if a curtain drops
It's been four years since we got together and I don't know if I love you or not. I know I can see us being together for a long time, having kids, but am I in love with you? Are you in love with me?
You're right, I don't want to see you, not after all that was said. I still want to support you, considering, but I can't be around you. Plus I have my own life, my own problems, I can't consume my whole self in yours.
I worry that you dont like me. That you think Im too self centered and talk and focus too much on myself. Its because it feel safer that way but know that I will do anything to help anyone else. I hope Im not too bad of a friend. I'm sorry.
There's nothing I'd like to do more rn than OD. I want it all to go away.
I want to do it. I'm so dangerously close.
For you to be here now trillions of drifting atoms had somehow to assemble in an intricate and intriguingly obliging manner to create you. It's an arrangement so specialized and particular that it has never been tried before and will only exist this once. That is of course the miracle of life.
-Bill Bryson
Don't ever frown because you never know who's falling in love with your smile.
