36 and still SH :( why can't I stop? *Selfharm*

[LaLaLaa]

Hi everyone, thought I'd move over to this board as I'm older than everyone else by about 20 years! Lol :)

I'm a 36 year old mother of a two year old son. I've been with my partner for ten years. I've SH since I was 17, on and off. I'm under the mental health team, but have never had any help at all with SH. I hate the fact I SH, I hide my scars, I hide my SH, I try not to even let my partner know when I SH. I hate the scars, I hate what I do to myself, but it's so ingrained into me now I honestly don't know how to stop?
I never ever ever do it when anyone is in the house, ever. Just thought I'd mention that, would never do it when my son is here. Never.
I'm scared it will go wrong one day and I will do some serious damage.
But and it is a big but, I want to do it, I need to do it, I sound so pathetic :(

[LaLaLaa]

Have just reread what I wrote. Yep I do sound pathetic :( for gods sake what is wrong with me?!
Have put up with all this crap for so many years!! My stupid mental health problems have ruined so much in my life.
I was always so terrified of having a child as was convinced for some reason they'd take my baby away from me. Obviously that did not happen, being a mummy is something I'm actually really good at :) he is my world.
But I feel so cheated, cheated out of the experience of becoming a mother. I was so ill, I couldn't enjoy any of it. I struggled every single second, every single second I felt so ill I wanted to die, for six whole months, but as always I kept it all in and kept going. Until I finally got some help and was admitted to a mother and baby psychiatric unit. We were there three months, nothing worked, nothing helped, until finally I had ECT and that was the turning point.
On the plus side I'm not horrendously depressed at the moment, but I can't get away from self harm. It never goes, sometimes it's quieter than others. It's loud at the moment. I wonder if anyone else thinks about it, plans it, that kind of thing? I'm not impulsive at all. It's all thought out in advance, where, when, etc. military precision. Next Tuesday. I could talk to someone but they'd want to talk me out of it. How do you explain to someone you DONT want to be talked out of it?
As I said I'm pathetic

[amoeba]

Hi, I don't really have any advice, but I wanted to write. I know I made a post recently and then felt worse afterwards thinking I shouldn't have written, wrote too much, didn't even have a direct question to really ask, just was looking for some human contact I guess. And no one of course replied so it all got validated. So, I want you to get at least one reply even if from me.

I'm 34 and am cutting the worst and most of my life in the past 2 yrs. Like you, I am not remotely impulsive in really anything. I am glad you wrote that, that helped me actually because people seem to relate self harm with impulsiveness always. I know very well what I am doing, and also plan times that I can and can't, and locations I can't (but that is getting hard because I "need" to do more like you also wrote). In a way I sometimes wish I were more impulsive? It'd help me, give up more or something, it'd help me to cut even more, proving to myself whatever bad thing I am trying to prove.

I think the fact you can see/admit/know you have some mental illness, maybe can help in a way? Or maybe that's just for me, it'd help if I could really see that, rather than just blame myself and my personality for everything.

I believe you are a good loving mom too and are continuing on for your child and the best for him/her. I am sure that is what is causing the back and forth thing, wanting to but not wanting to, hating it but liking it. I have that too for other reasons.

I don't know what else to do either. Somehow we both must (maybe?) have some hope/desire to stop or see enough negative results of self harm that we are on this site, posting like we did with our back and forth thoughts and desires and despair.
I don't really think you sounded pathetic at all. You sounded like you are trying to figure things out and are sad it impacts others too.

[LaLaLaa]

Thanks so much for your reply.

Oh I so understand what you're saying! Especially about wishing you were more impulsive! I worry about everyone else so much, I worry who might find out, who I might upset, how it could affect other people, the list is never ending. Sometimes I wish I could just do it when I want to, and sod everyone else!
But that's not my nature. Even when I was at my worst, so ill, I STILL tried not to put anyone out or upset anyone.
The continuous putting on a smile for everyone else is tiring, been doing it for years. A few people who I talk to sometimes, like my car coordinator, can't understand why I do it. Why don't I just say how I feel! I said to her the world doesn't revolve around me! Everyone has their problems and I don't want everyone to worry about me all the time! I'm not suicidal, I'm not even particularly depressed at the moment (have had a couple of good months, at last!) but I still want/need to self harm. How can I explain that?? I can't. Even I don't understand it. It's been a really tough few months, I think because I don't deal with things as they happen, it kind of builds up inside. So even though the bad stuff has gone, it haven't dealt with any of it, so it catches up with me later. Wow that was a bit of a breakthrough!!seriously I've never thought of it like that before!!i can't believe that! It's so plain to see, but I've never got it before. Wow sorry, I'm drifting off the subject! Thank you so much for replying to my thread, in just replying to you I've finally at least figured out a bit of my problem. Doesn't sort out my self harming, but kind of helps me see why I do it when I do sometimes.
Please message me if you want to talk xxx

[Bluedragonfly]

Thank you for writing this, I have been feeling so guilty for being 30+ and a person who self harms.
I too have a daughter who is my world and cannot imagine still being here if not for her.
But somehow selfishly that's not enough, I still am in agony on the inside. So I am back to my old ways, not that I ever recovered, or really even tried, I just hot smarter about what to do to get the same feeling, but with no permanent evidence. But lately, within the last month, I don't care so much about hiding it. I won't do it while my daughter is around, or awake, but I am actually cutting again. Real cuts. Deep cuts.

[ajrocks]

I'm the same 32 this month with an 8 year old boy and still relapse :(

[Margo]

I wonder what you would say to your daughter if she was struggling emotionally? Would you advocate keeping silent and not worrying anyone and tell her the world doesn't revolve around her and her problems? I seriously doubt it.

Opening up and exposing your emotions, feelings and fears takes a lot more strength than keeping it all in. Exposing our inner core is hard and vulnerability is so often seen as weakness.

The reality is that in the end we only fool ourselves and end up doing more harm covering up and lying than being honest.

It is hard to open up and it is hard to admit there is something wrong. So try not to beat yourself up, because what you are failing to do is not easy at all.

it's not easy being over 30 and being a self harmer. It can seem like th whole thing is only for teenagers but it's not. There is no shame in harming at your age. It is what it is and it can strike at any age. It's a symptom of a greater problem remember and if we haven't learned or been taught other coping strategies then it's easy to use it. Better the devil you know I guess.

Ive got almost 10 years on you so you're not old. There are people who post here occasionally who are older.

I'm glad you've found a place to talk. The website is a lot slower this it used to be and many of the regular posters in this part of the forum have left. We come back now and again when we relapse (that's why I'm here).

Take care and ask for help. Ask yourself if you would judge others or reach out and try to help them if they were in your situation.

Good luck

Matthew

[icanteven]

hello. i'm forty-bloody-three and still at it. and i'm a single mother to two children. and i do it when the stress gets high. i'm an impulsive one. not a cutter, i just bang my head. i have to stop. i've done it since i was a teenager and it didn't matter when it was just me but with these little ones... what kind of example am i setting? so joining this forum and posting this first post is my attempt to deal with the situation and try to make myself stop. if any other old, old, old self-harmers, particularly mothers, want to come back to this thread and chat then that would be really helpful. but yeah... just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

[Irisflower]

Hi all,
I'm forty and still self harm - have been doing it since I was 12. I have two kids and feel badly because I get hospitalized such a lot and am away from them a fair bit. My family's great and helps out a lot when I'm in hospital. I'm trying to put this behind me and figure things out in therapy...

[Scarlet Angel]

Thank you for writing what you did. I'm 34, not impulsive and plan everything. I haven't been on here for a long while, but something made me log in. I think about cutting every single day, I haven't been doing it for as long as you, but I have a feeling that I'll be doing it until I die. Right now it's hidden but I wish I could be impulsive and not care what others thought. Hope you are feeling better. Sending hugs xx

[meag2301]

Afternoon everyone,
This has helped me so much today. I struggle with being an older person who SH's (not that old by any means [25]), and I feel so guilty because of everything I read saying I "should be over it by now". Does it somehow make you less of an adult? I feel pathetic for needing it in my life, and I wonder if the few who know look at me like I'm stupid and am doing something so "childish".

[Juniperi]

Thank you so much for posting this. I, like you, started to SH at 17. At 29 I feel so compelled to hurt myself again and so scared when my partner even mentions the idea of having children. I think I could be a wonderful mother in the good times, but scared of being nothing to anyone in the down phases. How do you all do it?!

[Mariposa2]

You don't sound pathetic at all.

I don't SH anymore (been several years) but just the other day I cut myself while washing the dishes and the euphoric, giddy, excited feeling pulsed through my veins (which is actually why I came here today) and it took me right back to where I used it be...if only for a moment.

I've got you beat by two years in age and I've been here a loooooong time and what I've always told the "kids" here is that when you're ready to give it up for good, you will. I started cutting at 25 (Dad suicide) and I was probably 35 the very last time I cut on purpose. And after the years and years of cutting, I finally said **** this and I stopped. You haven't stopped because you're not ready to stop and that's okay. I hope for your sake it never goes too far because boy oh boy can health professionals really blow an accidental cut-too-deep cut out of proportion. Besides, you have a little one to look after and live for and let him be your motivation.

I'll be honest and say the urge never goes away. The accidental cuts don't hurt, they feel thrilling but you WILL get past this and you will learn to live a productive, happy, SI-free life.

One day at a time, Mama.

[aoife77]

hello dear
I ll be quite honest, I ve been engaging in SI for almost 15 years now and I dont think the urges go away. Its the only coping strategy I have left and even though one would think I m at the age where one would grow out of such things, thats just a silly notion really as one never grows out of these things. The scars are a daily reminder, I wont lie, each day is a struggle and frankly it doesnt get easier with time. I wish you the very best along your journey and I m here if you need to talk. Thinking of you. Hugs

[bananapeel]

Hi
i'm about your age and i've been clean for 2 years until i start to SH again yesterday.
something has triggered.
age has nothing to do with it, i guess.
it's the state of our mind.

[trublu33]

I've just joined and am 33. It's very much a myth that this only affects adolescents and it's not some "fad" or "trend" that you grow out of once you hit 21. You do sound a lot like me. I hate the fact that I ever harmed myself and go to great lengths to cover it up. Ever seen someone swimming with one of those rash tops in an INDOOR pool? I've also hidden it from my partner, who would end up getting angry with me when she found out. I really hate the scars it has left me with and I am deeply ashamed of them.

[Margo]

Quote:

Originally Posted by trublu33

I've just joined and am 33. It's very much a myth that this only affects adolescents and it's not some "fad" or "trend" that you grow out of once you hit 21. You do sound a lot like me. I hate the fact that I ever harmed myself and go to great lengths to cover it up. Ever seen someone swimming with one of those rash tops in an INDOOR pool? I've also hidden it from my partner, who would end up getting angry with me when she found out. I really hate the scars it has left me with and I am deeply ashamed of them.

Depending where I am in my head determines how I feel about my scars. For the most part mine are on show, however, some are not. Although I've worn short sleeves for some years now I guess for the most part I am ashamed also.

for me the shame comes more when im low because when I feel ok I forget about them mostly and just carry on as normal.

The thing I find hardest is when my friends children ask what I've done. They all think I fell off some ladders into a green house. They think I'm the clumsiest person who ever lived. That bit kills me.

Silly arms

[bitomato]

I am an older person and still have challenges with SH/SI. I can feel the urge building up, and right now I would say I am not in recovery. Because of the work I do I try not to relapse, but since my partner's suicide I am pretty much vulnerable.

It is described as "attention seeking" behaviour and I often have to tell myself not to explode at my colleagues for not understanding it. I don't hide my scars because of my job- but I do have an ongoing understanding with myself that I cannot go to work if I relapse due to the risk of infection etc. However, that is becoming less and less of a deterrent.

Understanding your triggers are really important. I started has a head banger as a child- so removing all items doesn't really keep me 100% safe. Actually just making sure I take care of my injuries is really important- and I do tell my health care team, rather than hide it because that is where I am.

[lilybit]

Hi,

I have mixed feelings about this discussion. Part of me is so glad I'm not alone and yet I'm so angry at the misconceptions that surround SH.

I'm 44and have been doing this since forever. I can remember as a kid purposely running into doors. I didn't understand then that it was a way to release the emotional pain.

I really feel guilty because my childhood was not all that traumatic...child of an alcoholic father and a chronically depressed (if not bi polar) mother. My current life is also pretty normal from the outside...highly educated, steady (but stressful) job as a teacher, four beautiful children and an amazing granddaughter, close friends...heck I could go on forever.

My therapists say I hold too much in and don't take care of myself...

Ended up in emergency three weeks ago and don't remember how I got there...and my 6 year old was with daddy when he found me

No one ever knew until now.

So again...huh...what the heck? Why can't I just feel normal?

[MyLastKiss]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Margo

There are people who post here occasionally who are older.

Indeed there is