WTF is wrong with me...

[zivalover16]

I am angry with my therapist. I called my therapist Friday which I have never done before and told her I wasn't even close to being ok. I asked if she by any chance had any openings that day. She called back and left a message saying she didn't but was glad I was reaching out. She didn't ask me what was wrong or anything. Since Thursday I have been thinking about getting a pocket knife and using it. She has not checked on me once. For some reason I lost my entire support system expect my Aunt and I didn't get to talk to her Until Saturday. I am seeing my therapist tomorrow and all I can think about is being a bitch to her. I'm planning on being cold towards her and I'm going to attempt to not really talk. I don't know how well it will work. WTF is wrong with me that I'm planning this. Do I have the right to be upset? Am I overreacting considering I've also seemed to have lost the rest of my support system?

[ParanormalChickenGeek]

I'm sorry you didn't get the response you were looking for from your therapist.
I can't speak for her because I don't know her or her style of working, but generally therapists are crazily busy and cannot just fit you in at a drop of a hat, even if they may want to. It doesn't necessarily mean that she disregarded your distress or didn't want to help you.
I'm not sure about your therapist or where you're from etc, but generally a therapists role is not to 'check up' on a client outside of sessions.
It may be important to remember that you are in control of your actions and only you can change that.
Also- I don't think approaching your therapist in that manner next session would be helpful for you. I think you need to let go of the grudge you're holding and use your session appropriately and discuss what has been distressing you.

[Morpheus]

I agree with above.

I think you have completely unrealistic expectations of what she can do and what is appropriate for her to do. Therapists are super busy and unless someone has canceled, they normally dont have any free appointments. Giving you one would likely mean she had to cancel on another patient who, if they are seeing a therapist, likely need it as much as you do and it would affect that persons well being which wouldnt be fair either.

With my team, getting an emergency appointment normally takes at least a week. Sometimes more. If im too unwell to wait that time, i am told to go to the emergency room.
They only call and check on me if we have made an agreement in advance and only ever if my psych is so worried she has tried to talk me into an ip stay but i have refused and its part of an agreement so they can keep a close eye on me and section if there is just a tiny new worry. So only in rare and extreme situations.
My psychologist whom i see once a week i can only get another appointment than my usual time if i bring up a while in advance. I cant get another just because i cancel one week etc.

Ive haf therapy/other types of treatments other places, hospitals, private sector and its always been the same.

So if you are so unsafe you fear you may do severe damage on you or someone else, going to the emergency room is the best choice you have. Your therapist called back and unfotnunately she couldnt give you what you wanted. But keeping a grudge and behaving like that isnt going to help anyone nor does she deserve it. And in the end, you are only harming yourself by it. If you were so desperate to talk to her cause you were unwell, why on earth would you spend your time ehen you finally have it, being cold and trying not to talk? Who is that going to help? If you are that unwell, surely talking about why etc. Is more important than giving her a lesson (which will not hurt her as she is a professional and have done what she could) because she hurt you.

For me it seems like a rather childish reaction. You must realise that she has many patients and while i understand what you are going through must be really intense for you, what her other patients are feeling is just as intense and they need the help and their regular appointments too. So she cant just drip everything because you need an extra appointment on top of your regular. And then when you finally make it to your appointment, you want to waste it because you are angry. For me, its very very hard to understand how you could need an extra appointment so badly if you are going to waste the one you now have, doing something like that. I cant help but think it somehow cant be that important to talk through then if you would rarher be cold and quiet to prove a point. But i admit i have trouble following the whole reaction to begin with and i apologise if my reply has sounded harsh. Its not how i intent it and have tried to not make it sound it.

I just know from myself that had i felt so unwell i asked for an extra appointment but couldnt get it, i would be happy as hell that i made it to my next and use it to try and find a solution to what was going through.

Why not use it to maybe ease some if the intensity you are feeling? Im sure that will get you much further than spending the time in silence.
I hope you feel better soon and i urge you to talk to your therapist about whats going on when you go. Hopefully it will make your situation more bearable to be in.

[zivalover16]

Thank you for responding. I really do appretiate it. I don't know what's wrong with me. I ended up going into the appointment and talking and crying a lot. I shouldn't have reacted the way I did. I just wasn't OK and lost my support system (more than her even though I haven't lost her). So yea thank you for responding <3. I don't know came over me.

[Morpheus]

Crying and talking are both good things to do at therapy so well done. I hope the session has helped a bit and you feel a little more safe and like you have gotten some of the overwhelming things you are feeling out. Sometimes i find just saying them out loud and telling someone helps. Even if they dont have any solutions here and now to the problems.

I think its good that you used the session to talk about your difficulties and even just crying. That in itself can be freeing. So be proud of yourself. We all get irrational feelings, especially when we are overwhelmed and hurting but that you still found strength in you to use the session to get difficult emotions out, is very positive.

I hope you will feel better soon.

[zivalover16]

Thank you. I'm glad I didn't act immature. I think I would have resorted to self harm if I had. I am feel as better as I can at the moment (if that makes sense). It really did help to cry. The one scary thing that happened during the session was I became completely numb. I could tell she was worried. She was able to get me out of that state. I think I went into a state of wanting to cut after though but again she was able to help me lessen the urge. She is a really good therapist. I should know better then to think of doing anything to risk our relationship because I have had some really bad therapist.

[zivalover16]

Thank you...... That's a very big possibility. The first therapist I saw when I told my guidance counselor threatened to send me to the hospital every time I cut then told my mom every thing I told her. Then I had a therapist in college who when I first started seeing her I wasn't cutting because I had been inpatient the year before but then **** happened and I started again. Whenever I told her she would be like "Oh come on. You were doing so well". So I'm not sure maybe they influenced my attitude towards how I react to therapist? I think that since I really like this therapist though that I couldn't do anything to risk the relationship.