I don't understand what is wrong with me. I just don't feel like I want to get better. If I really wanted to I could go see a counsellor but I haven't reached out. I feel like cutting has just taken over my life but I like it in a way. When I was clean I missed it. But at the same time I'm sad, it's like I like being sad and I don't want to be happy. It doesn't make sense. I want to cry, but I can't. Sometimes I think of dying but deep down inside I don't think I want to. I don't know what to do with myself anymore.
"Tell me one last thing," said Harry. "Is this real? Or has this been happening inside my head?"
Dumbledore beamed at him, and his voice sounded loud and strong in Harry's ears even though the bright mist was descending again, obscuring his figure.
"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"
I know how you feel! it has taken me 15 years to reach out to a counselor. went for the first time last week. Tho I have reached out, I still am unsure about giving it up completley... this is the only thing I know...But its getting harder and harder as the years go by... you'll get there but in your own time. Cutting or any self harm for that matter is a coping mechinisem, not a problem, and it wont get better until we address the underlying issues,,, which im not sure i really want to address. Dying is never an answer! i know things can seem like they will never get better, but they will in time. Until then, one day at a time! Keep your chin up... youre not alone!!!
Thank you so much, your answer helped me a lot :) You're right, I keep forgetting that it's not the cutting that's the problem. It feels good to know that someone understands and I'm not the only one; it really helps with the guilt. I think I'll try to get some help soon. I'm glad you're reaching out for it and I wish you the very best. You deserve it!
"Tell me one last thing," said Harry. "Is this real? Or has this been happening inside my head?"
Dumbledore beamed at him, and his voice sounded loud and strong in Harry's ears even though the bright mist was descending again, obscuring his figure.
"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"
I know what you mean.
It took me nine years to get the courage to ask for help but at the same time realising that self harm isn't the actual problem and that there's underlying issues, scares me a lot. I am sure you will be ready in your own time.
I definitely encourage you to get some help! I kept reaching out in high school and finally one teacher put her job on the line to ensure I got the help I needed and she totally altered the course of my life, which is partly why I want to teach high school. But I went to counseling for a year after she helped me and it definitely helped me. I didn't want to face all the sh*t from my past but it's such an integral part of being able to live your life without being under a constant burden. The thoughts of self harming never go away though. But it can really be such a relief to talk to someone that has no ulterior motive and an unbiased opinion that wants to help you and listen to you. You're paying them to so that kind of sucks but it's was really nice having someone to talk to that I didn't feel as if I was burdening them with my own problems and graphic thoughts. Because that's what we both were there for. You're most certainly worth it and I recommend it! PM me anytime. Would love to chat more.
xx
And I'm pulling for you to push through this feeling
And with a little time that should do the healin'
And by tomorrow you may even feel so good that you're willing
To forgive them even after all that s*** you been put through
This feeling of resilience is building and the flames are burning
Quick as fire would through this building, you're sealed in
But you're fireproof, flame retardant; you withstood it.
Eminem- Beautiful Pain
Hey umm I'm really sorry your feeling this way. Have ever tried to reach out? Also what do you think might help you feel different? And there is absolutely nothing wrong with you at al, you are perfect just they way you are. If you need to just vent or something I'm here for you. Also could you mind of give me a little more detail of what's going on?
Is it that you don't want to get help because you don't see a way out of it or because you are afraid your self harm will go away?
I understand that self-harm is a very attaching thing and over time it just seems like your only solution to problems, it's not in the long run :/
It's okay to feel that you want and don't want help. We all get lost in our emotions from time to time x it's important you don't get used to this feeling because there is always another road available.
I'm very, very sorry you feel this way. I hope you will get better within time, but that's also one thing which you can keep us updated on.
---------------
I wasn’t strong enough
And you didn’t give enough
When I needed you
I needed you
Hey umm I'm really sorry your feeling this way. Have ever tried to reach out? Also what do you think might help you feel different? And there is absolutely nothing wrong with you at al, you are perfect just they way you are. If you need to just vent or something I'm here for you. Also could you mind of give me a little more detail of what's going on?
Thank you. I'm not even really sure what the problem is, my life isn't all that horrible or anything. I feel kind of ashamed because I don't have a legitimate reason to be in this trap. I relapsed at this time of year last year too and I could see it coming. I think it may just be a triggering time of year. But whenever I relapse SH seems to take over my conscience every day and I don't want to stop. Not sure what the issue is, it confuses me
"Tell me one last thing," said Harry. "Is this real? Or has this been happening inside my head?"
Dumbledore beamed at him, and his voice sounded loud and strong in Harry's ears even though the bright mist was descending again, obscuring his figure.
"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"
Is it that you don't want to get help because you don't see a way out of it or because you are afraid your self harm will go away?
I understand that self-harm is a very attaching thing and over time it just seems like your only solution to problems, it's not in the long run :/
It's okay to feel that you want and don't want help. We all get lost in our emotions from time to time x it's important you don't get used to this feeling because there is always another road available.
I'm very, very sorry you feel this way. I hope you will get better within time, but that's also one thing which you can keep us updated on.
I think I'm afraid of letting go of self harm. I don't know why, it's just stupid. Deep down I kind of don't want to get help because 1) I feel like I don't need/deserve it because this is all self-inflicted and I feel like I should be able to control it myself if I really wanted to and 2) I would have to stop self harming and I can't imagine that lasting long. I feel like I want to do it forever but it makes me feel confused and miserable sometimes :/
Thank you for your advice and empathy. I'll definitely be on this site and I'll keep everyone updated on whatever happens.
"Tell me one last thing," said Harry. "Is this real? Or has this been happening inside my head?"
Dumbledore beamed at him, and his voice sounded loud and strong in Harry's ears even though the bright mist was descending again, obscuring his figure.
"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"
The fact that you posted this makes me think that deep down you do want help. You're just scared of giving up self-harm. It's scary because it's a way of coping, a distraction, a release, validation of feelings, etc.
And yes you do need/deserve help. Secondly, many counselors, if they're good, will not make you stop harming if you're not ready. There was a bad point where I didn't want to stop my self-harm (still not sure I do), but my therapist didn't make me stop. They will help you understand why you self-harm.
Being scared is understandable. But is feeling miserable forever worse than reaching out for help? Having a bad life has nothing to do with whether or not one self-harms. Life isn't a competition. I've had what most people would consider a good life and I still cut, bruise, etc. The fact that one is harming at all is a problem.
Last edited by Celticroots : 16-09-2014 at 11:08 PM.
You make a lot of good points. The last thing you said makes me feel a lot better. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one here that self harms but has a decent life. I look at everyone else and I feel like everything I feel is so invalidated. I compare myself to others way too much. I realize I should stop doing that because that holds me back from getting help. I just feel like a "fake" sometimes, you know? :/ But thank you for your reply I appreciate it a lot.
"Tell me one last thing," said Harry. "Is this real? Or has this been happening inside my head?"
Dumbledore beamed at him, and his voice sounded loud and strong in Harry's ears even though the bright mist was descending again, obscuring his figure.
"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"
I totally get the feeling of invalidation. I really do. Like, yeah I have medical issues, but I wasn't physically or sexually abused, have a roof over my head, enough food to eat, etc.
But I still feel like I don't have a "good" reason to self-harm. I've been around others who have disabilities far worse than mine. And I am pretty high-functioning. Seeing how badly other people had it made me feel like I was whining. But many people I've talked to (some on here) who understand or have been through self-harm agreed the fact that I was harming at all is the problem. My therapist that I saw for a long time also helped me look at things in a different way.
I think a big reason for my SH (and maybe for others as well) may be because of feeling invalidated. Seeing cuts and bruises is like physical proof that my pain is valid and matters. I am glad that my post helped. :)
Sorry for the ramble.
Last edited by Celticroots : 16-09-2014 at 11:50 PM.
Wow, I feel the exact same way!! I know that I harm at different times for different reasons, and invalidation is definitely one of them. When I'm feeling confused about what I'm feeling I SH to kind of show myself "well you're unhappy right now".
I've decided that I'm definitely going to get help. My SH and unhappiness has literally been all I can think about for almost 24/7 since I relapsed a couple weeks ago and I'm thinking that I'm never going to get better and be happy, at least not permanently, if I don't. I've managed to stay clean for over a year before and be pretty happy but I've relapsed more than once since. It's just like a never ending inevitable cycle that always results in a relapse. I think that if I want to be happy for longer than that I need to let go of SH and in order to let go I need help to work through it.
Man, it felt good to write that.
"Tell me one last thing," said Harry. "Is this real? Or has this been happening inside my head?"
Dumbledore beamed at him, and his voice sounded loud and strong in Harry's ears even though the bright mist was descending again, obscuring his figure.
"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"
I'm so proud of you!! You say what you need to and do what you need to. You have all the support in the world and you're making a brace decision. x
And I'm pulling for you to push through this feeling
And with a little time that should do the healin'
And by tomorrow you may even feel so good that you're willing
To forgive them even after all that s*** you been put through
This feeling of resilience is building and the flames are burning
Quick as fire would through this building, you're sealed in
But you're fireproof, flame retardant; you withstood it.
Eminem- Beautiful Pain
"Tell me one last thing," said Harry. "Is this real? Or has this been happening inside my head?"
Dumbledore beamed at him, and his voice sounded loud and strong in Harry's ears even though the bright mist was descending again, obscuring his figure.
"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"
I think I'm afraid of letting go of self harm. I don't know why, it's just stupid. Deep down I kind of don't want to get help because 1) I feel like I don't need/deserve it because this is all self-inflicted and I feel like I should be able to control it myself if I really wanted to and 2) I would have to stop self harming and I can't imagine that lasting long. I feel like I want to do it forever but it makes me feel confused and miserable sometimes :/
Thank you for your advice and empathy. I'll definitely be on this site and I'll keep everyone updated on whatever happens.
It sounds like you do want to get help, and it's great! I know how hard it is to reach out, so you've got a lot strength for it
I'm happy you decided to decide to attempt to stop!! I wish you all the best in that, and please remember that if you find out some of your triggers and prevent them it will be easier for you in the long run.
Last edited by XxDarkenedHeartXx : 17-09-2014 at 04:53 PM.
---------------
I wasn’t strong enough
And you didn’t give enough
When I needed you
I needed you
"Tell me one last thing," said Harry. "Is this real? Or has this been happening inside my head?"
Dumbledore beamed at him, and his voice sounded loud and strong in Harry's ears even though the bright mist was descending again, obscuring his figure.
"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"
im casting white light all over your spirit , the god you save might be yourself , be strong i love your life ! even tho i dont know you somehow in this universe out paths have crossed via this forum and that is magic and that is destiny , i feel good things will happen for you . may you find what what your looking for .... then let it go
always skoots
when I see myself in your eyes I just want to go blind
"I don't need your retribution , I don't need your absolution "
It wont give up it wants me dead god damn this voice inside my head
