Again and again

[LittleCloud]

I'm not an obvious self-harmer. Most people have no idea and I'm dearly hoping that my partner hasn't noticed that I've slipped up a few times recently. I'm not too proud...
Last night I couldn't take the build up of feelings anymore- I have a lot going on and I'm very frightened that I can't find a way back into recovery from restrictive eating. I hope it's not triggering to say, I tend to open up old or healing spots. I've targeted the same place again and again over the last month and I can't seem just to let it heal. I guess I feel open and exposed. I guess I realise I need some support. I'm about to disinfect and cover it. Again. I could use a hug. I wish someone could just tell me it's going to be ok....

[littlehippo]

Hey you,
I can't promise you that will be okay, today or tomorrow, but eventually it will begin to feel better and you'll be able to put it in your past.

how you spoken to anyone in real life about what been going on?

[LittleCloud]

Thanks. I talked with a friend a bit tonight- they didn't say much. Probably wise, I feel so stupid because I should know better but sometimes the pain and anxiety just get too much. I hope my partner doesn't find out- I couldn't bear it. Thanks for the support

[crazykat]

Don't feel stupid, we all do things that are not helpful and that we are not proud of but this doesn't make us stupid. This is your way of coping with the distress that your feeling. Would it help to talk through what your struggling with? Also have you tried any distractions when you get the urge to do this? Take care

[LittleCloud]

It's hard to describe when I SI. Sometimes it's not even like a conscious urge- more like I just get into this focus mindset... used to get really strong urges but this isn't anything like. For me it's usually an anxiety reaction. Eating causes huge anxiety and I can't escape it- it feels like something screaming and screaming inside my head and I can't escape or defend myself it's so cruel. Then I try so hard and it feels like noone sees and just expects me to be able to do it again and again and again when A-Rex is screaming and screaming and telling me how dirty I am. Sorry if this is triggering or confusing. I just feel lost

[crazykat]

Is there anything you could do to help with the anxiety? Perhaps doing something calming

[Asbel_Garcia123]

I don't have problems as far as an eating disorder goes, however I do know how it feels to self harm. It often feels like no one understands me at all and my emotions become overwhelming. So I know how you feel. It kind of sucks when you feel like you're the only one out there going through it.

[LittleCloud]

I kind of need to stop myself falling into that black hole- it's like everything except that patch of skin vanishes and all that's left is me and trying to find a way back into feeling and away from the ****ing anxiety.... you're right Kat- I try so hard to distract but between that and A-Rex often I feel like I'm just falling and falling and don't know how to stop. Thanks for your support Kat, Asbel- yeah, it's very lonely