My story started when I was around 10 years old. I was constantly bullied in school. Classmates would spit on me, try to stab me with objects, they would throw gum or spit balls into my hair, call me a horrible names... The list goes on. But not only did I have to deal with that daily I also had to live with an abusive mother. My mom is an alcoholic (even though she has been denying it my whole life). She screamed at me and my little sister as soon as she got home, she would tell us she regretted having us as children, she would grab any object that was near her and throw it at us, and she would always hit us.
I was an extremely shy child so when these things would happen to me I wouldn't dare stand up for my self, I would hold all of my emotions in and when I turned 11 I couldn't take it anymore. I had so much anger and sadness built up inside me that I was considering to kill my self. Until one day I heard about cutting and the 11 year old me decided to try it and I ended up cutting my self until I was a sophomore in high school.
I haven't cut my self for six years now. I regret ever starting. Every morning I wake up I have to see these disgusting scars knowing that they're never going away. It ruins friendships and relationships because once they see the scars they automatically think I'm some psychotic person when I'm not. But I'm learning to accept that the scars are a part of me and my life
I was also bullied alot as a child. Lost my mom at 11 years old and thats when I really started to change. I pushed alot of people away and became more cold and distant. I really never let anyone in and I eventually had really bad anxiety and depression and still do today. I started cutting when I heard about it from some people I knew. It started by getting pins, like sewing pins and sticking them into my arm and legs and scratching myself with them. From there, it went to razor blades and knifes and box cutters. I continued for a while, I started when i was i wanna say 17 and I still struggle with it today. When i was about 22 or 23 I got caught. It was summer and during a party, I had a long sleeve shirt on but I got hot so i changed into a regular shirt but had relatively long sleeves. Well, my sister saw them and pulled my sleeve up for everyone to see. She asked me what they were and what I was doing and I told her it was from the cat even though she knew I was lying. After that she kept a close eye on me and would check my sleeves all the time which again was humiliating. Though before that my other sister had found out and kept quiet about it though offered to help me and take me to therapy which I declined. So yea thats my story. I stopped for a while, about a year and ever since then I relapse from time to time especially lately, the urges have been very bad lately
♪"'Cause I'm about to break down,
I'm searchin' for a way out,
I'm a liar, I'm a cheater, I'm a non-believer
I'm a popular, popular monster"♪
I was also 10 when i started, my family would always argue(they still do) and my only friend i had at school would be my friend one day and then for know reason that i could think of, not the next. So thats jow i started and then when i was 15, i got sexually abuse by a guy i thought was my friend. I am now 19 and the flashbacks and dreams about the abuse has been happening more often since i started SA counselling and have the urge to cut everyday.
Have you ever sat there and wondered ‘why am I still here? I don’t even want to be here. I haven’t wanted to be here for so long. What’s keeping me here?’ And then you realize the answer is nothing. And that scares you even more than the fact that you don’t want to be here anymore.
Location: I'm in a place where every kid is an orphan constantly having their quintessence deformed by culture
I am currently:
Well I don't know if I have a story as bad as you guys' stories...I was Made fun of because I was outgoing and loud all my school life. I would get tripped and shoved in elementary school. When I got to middle school my step dad abused me sexually. I was a wreck and that's when the bad bullying started. I got notes in my locker that told me to kill myself and many other mean things. I wanted the torture to stop And I discovered the 'wonderfull ' world of self harm ( sarcasm on wonderful ). I am a freshman in high school and I Still am fighting the battle. I am still bullied and it keeps getting worse. My life sob story isn't quite over yet :/ nor is it that bad
I found out about cutting when I spent a month in a mental hospital for anger issues when I was in 7th grade. My anger problems started when I was in 5th grade maybe caused by when I was abused when I was 5. I started cutting all thru middle school and high school. I was hospitalized several times. Put in one place for two months. Also had a six month stay at another. I was bullied in middle school. I wasn't in high school but that was because I scared people and made sure that no one did.
Been trying to stop but haven't ever had much luck. I went six months before and I managed to stay clean for 7 months last year. I have scars all over my arms, shoulder chest thighs legs
Which I hate. Now of days I tend to burn instead of cut , even though my first impulse is to cut
I was bullied from the age of 7 and I was SA from the age of 13. I was so deeply unhappy that one day I cut. I carried on until 2 years 8 months ago cutting.
Wannabe CPN : -)
"He who is tired of Weird Al is tired of life." - Homer Simpson "I hear those voices that will not be drowned" Sanity is a nasty disease. The world would be a happier place without it. - Rilic
RIP Kat 4th July 1987- 11th June 2013
I was SA when I was 7 went on for almost a year and gang raped at 13 on school grounds and raped at 18 by one of my best friends at a party. I started cutting when I was 13 also OD'ing on anything in the medicine cupboard. I dont recall ever finding out about SH from anyone it just started. I am seriously struggling at the moment with my SH.
Hope I didnt break any rules in this still learning the ropes, sorry.
when I was 13 I started having problems. mainly with depression and eating but I think there were occasional voices as well. but we were working on this art project and for various reasons I was working on it on my own a lot. the wire would hurt my hands but I told myself not to be a woose and I deserved the pain. so very soon after that I started deliberately hurting myself.
over the years things got worse. SI, ED, OD, voices, odd beleifs. I moved school a few times because I wasn't coping. between the ages of 15 and 18/19 I was cutting multiple times a day. at the end of my first year of uni I was hospitalised and treated for paranoid schizophrenia. I have now finished uni and meds are working really well for me. I haven't SIed for 2 years 7 months and am taking time out from work/study to get stable and find what I want to do with my life.
I got bullied as a child and always had low self esteem. I developed an ed as a way to cope then at 19 I was sexually assaulted. I went home sat in the shower n cried digging my finger nails into my skin until it bled. I clawed my face n legs. It helped.
I didn't do anything 'properly' until a few years later when my mum died and I was living alone. I picked up my hair pin n scratched it into my arm until it bled. It then became a regular thing. I now use sharper instruments, blades, knives, scissors etc. I love it. It helps me live. But I wish I'd never started its a horrible thing to do each time I do it I hate myself even more that I already do
There wasn't one event I can point to that made me say "Ah! That was the reason I started self-harming!" It was a perfect storm of things. I had issues with eating due to premature birth. (Not in an eating disorder sense, but I figure it was because of being on the ventilator for so long, I missed the stage when babies learn to eat.)
So, I was behind the eight ball on that. Was threatened by my Dad when I didn't eat, or finish my food in the time he wanted me to. It was common for me to be the last one at the dinner table. Mom, Dad, and my brother all got this eating thing. Take bite. Chew. Swallow. I was so frustrated and angry that I couldn't seem to get this seemingly simple concept. Which lead to frustration and anger that I didn't know how to express. So I released it by hitting myself, hitting my fist on the table, pulling my hair, etc.
Expressing emotion wasn't a big thing with my Dad. Especially expressions of anger. And nothing I ever did was good enough for him. I always felt I couldn't tell him how I felt, and on the rare occasions I did, he turned it around and blamed it all on me. Eventually I came to the conclusion that, like Melinda Sordino from Speak says "All that crap you hear about 'communication' and 'expressing feelings' is a lie. No one really cares what you have to say."
My first memory of deliberately trying to hurt myself was when I was 14-15. My Dad and brother had gotten in a huge argument. I grabbed a paperclip from a drawer, went upstairs to my room, and began dragging the edge of the paper clip across my wrist. At that time, I didn't know what self-harm was, but I found that the pain in my wrist calmed and distracted me.
The issue with loneliness started in high school. I started cutting when I was 16. Fast forward a few years I harmed off and on in various ways. For a while i could last a long time without harming (months or years.)
Then Kay took her life. (Kay was my Dad's girlfriend whom I loved like a sister.) Kay had only been dead literally a few months before Dad shoves another girlfriend in my face, someone I don't even know and expects me to just deal with it.
I was cutting a lot during this time. Mom took away my cutting first aid kit which made me very angry. I wasn't ready to stop and was not going to be forced to stop come hell or high water. My solution? I started bruising. It gave me the same relief as cutting, no risk of infection, and it was easier to hide.
Last summer was when things got really bad. Mom and I had moved (again) and I couldn't handle the stress. I was bruising multiple times a day. Then I went down to visit my Dad and stepmom for several weeks. It was during that time that my stepmom showed her true colors. She started being mean to me. I bruised a lot during that time, more so I think than I ever had. The loneliness was really bad as I can't drive so I couldn't go anywhere. And there were no people in the area near my age.
I tried to tell my stepmom, but she just blamed my inability to meet people on me. She honestly thought it was that easy to go up to someone, talk with them, and be friends. Bruising was there for me. Seeing the marks was proof that I was hurting. It took my mind off the emotional pain, and it was something I could control.
(I told my Dad about the things stepmom had said. He just says it's my perception, and is more worried about how she feels rather than how his own kid feels. That hurt.)
Since then, I've started cutting again (i think mom finally realized that taking tools away from a harmer makes things worse. So I have my first aid kit back.) But I still bruise. It just depends on what urges I am having. My recent harming as been due to loneliness. I channel that ache and frustration over not being able to meet people into self-harm. I feel like if I were only doing this, or doing that, etc that I could meet people. Then the cycle of anger, low self-esteem starts, and I want to harm again.
Stress is another big factor for my SI right now. I'll be moving in a few months which is scary. I am not consciously trying to stop self-harming. And, right now, I don't want to stop. I am not at a point where I can say "self-harm isn't an option." Maybe one day I'll be able to.
Last edited by Celticroots : 11-03-2014 at 03:04 AM.
I was in the 7th grade when I had heard about a girl that went to school with my sister. The rumor was that she had tried to OD. I remember thinking about that kind of pain and how she must have felt to be alone and all I could think about was how I wanted to help take her pain away. Before too long I found myself in our medicine cabinet.
Nothing really bad happened I guess I hadn't done it right or what ever but then a couple of weeks later I got into a really big fight with my mom they entire family went out but me and the moment they left I found myself in the medicine cabinet again. This time I go really sick. I got really bad pains in my chest and all that. When I told my mom about the pain she said that it was probably just from quilt about us getting into the fight. I never had the heart to tell her what happened.
It went on like that until I was in the 8th grade I don't remember what started it or how I even knew about self harming but some time in 8th grade I switched from Od to cutting. I remember that I use to do it on my arm and I would cover it with electrical tape.
This went on for sometime I never told anyone. I didn't want people to know. I really wasn't into it for attention or anything it just made me feel better temporarily. Some time freshman year my 3 best friends found out. I guess I had been lying for so long and I wasn't able to keep my story straight. One of my other friends had a problem with SH and then one was having lots of trouble at home so in sophomore year we all signed a pack that we would not her ourselves anymore.
I remember starting back up my Senior year it was wrestling season. I think that time I started up again because I didn't like the person that I had become. that and my new best friend had tried to trade my virginity for drugs.
Then salvation happened. I met my husband in the summer of 05 we started dating that winter. That's when I stopped. He was my saving grace that and every time I thought about SH I also thought about him leaving and I was going to trade him for anything.
We have been together just a little over 8 years now. I still love him very much but many things have happened that I just cant let go of. I started to sink deeper and deeper. The thought of SH kept tempting me but I didn't want to lose him. Then a couple of weeks ago I got really mad and I could stop myself. Now I'm stuck in that black hole again. I told myself I can stop whenever I want to... but I can't
I am the youngest of three and the only girl. Growing up my parents were mentally abusive (I don't think the realized what they were doing) My brother who is 14 months older then me got a lot of attention because he was always in his room and often hid his homework.. I realized at 13 that I am a lesbian. I was bullied and struggled with self esteem. I felt like I had to take care of myself and would often get yelled at or they would threaten me if I cried so I just stopped crying. I started cutting when I was 13. I am 23 now and am only a month or 2 or 3 'clean'. I also had (have) a lot of health issues and was always injured..
Big Sister:Squiggles Little Sister: PaintItBlack Cousins: dereksarah, Hollz
Had a very unstable/volatile home life - regarding my parents mainly as they were constantly fighting and emotionally abusing each other. I was a very sensitive child and was deeply affected by this. From a young age I felt "different" and like I had to try a lot harder to be accepted and fit in or understand other people. I was bright at school but when I started to be bullied (I went to a very bitchy all girls private school) I sort of gave up and was suicidally depressed at the thought of attending school so became very introverted and anxious. I was also being bullied by the people who lived near me and they continually tormented me and I was beaten up and verbally abused a lot. Home life continued to spiral and I felt unsupported by my parents as they were wrapped up with their own stuff, but my Grandma was the redeeming saviour at the time and was a source of stability. Never had a social life or any hobbies as I was incredibly socially anxious - but I wrote a lot of poetry as a means of expressing the pain which is the only thing I have ever really succeeded in. By 16 I was in a bit of a state. I had been diagnosed with an eating disorder at 13 but I still think it was due to low mood that I had got so thin and it was all part of my depression and existential angst/anxiety. I went to sixth form college and made some nice friends but I was also struggling with gender identity issues and after I decided to be brave and cut my hair the way i wanted it rather than just keep it long and "feminine" I had a very bad incident of bullying by a group of boys at college who verbally abused me, spat on me then took pictures, and then threw a bottle at my head and walked off laughing. I have never really got over that. I started hearing voices around this time and believing odd things. I had a bf at the time but he was highly selfish and never considered what I wanted so I felt even less cared about and that I had nowhere to turn to. I eventually went to the GP aged 18 in a total state of depression and suicidal/confused. I started burning myself when I was seeing him and then moved onto cutting and overdosing. I took several massive overdoses and also self injured badly with kitchen implements. All this cumulated in an IP stay. I was readmitted 4 months after being discharged (aged 19) after having a further breakdown when I'd just started university and spent a year in lots of different units. I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. i have not self harmed for around a year, and that incident was not severe. I'm currently med free and very much still struggling with mood swings (I also suffer from mania/hypomania alongside the depression) but the psychosis has burned out a bit.
I was 10 at the time and was being bullied at school. one day i couldnt take it anymore so i grabbed a compass out of my pencilcase and scratched my arm. it felt good. my mum found out and i stopped for about 2 weeks, then i started using more sharper objects and i first needed stitches when i was 13. i was being bullied in high school from year 7-9 and i cut more. then SA started when i was 14 and that compeltely turned me, i was in stitches for a&e nearly every day, and because i had to take time off school to go my uncle(my abuser) would pick me up and drop me off.
the abuse carried on until i was 16 and then i eventually told someone, a school receptionisst who refferred me to the child protection team, it took three years but m abuser was finally sentenced to prison and my self harming stopped. i am now 4 months free of self harm.
from anyone it just started. I am seriously struggling at the moment with my SH.
but I can't
