Explaining scars in a new relationship

Strawberry Xs · 03-03-2014, 01:08 AM

Hi,

Not sure if this is okay to post here but don't think it counts as serious discussion.

I have sort of been seeing this guy (it's complicated), and we have slept together but I always make sure the light is out so he has never seen the scars on my stomach/legs. But we are going away for the weekend soon and I just want to be able to feel comfortable undressed around him, and I feel like I want to tell him that I used to SH to enable this, but I'm really worried he'll not take it well..... he's one of those people who is so practical about things and just gets on with his life and doesn't understand when people are 'stressed out' etc. so I'm worried he will judge me and realise he is making a mistake and call things off. I'm hoping the weekend will make things more 'official' between us but so, so worried about telling him. It's been over 6 years since I last hurt myself, and I do still get very low (another thing he doesn't know), but I just wish I could magic the scars away and put it behind me for good.

Tig · 03-03-2014, 05:34 AM

Hey lovely,

I can appreciate how anxiety-provoking this situation is. When I first met my partner last year I was so worried about how he would take my scars and how I would explain it properly. He is also quite a practical guy and although he has a lot of anxiety issues, he doesn't [in his own words] understand sadness as he is generally a happy guy.

I think for me, I just told him straight about it and although I did play it down a bit I was honest as I could be. I think honesty is the best policy because if somebody is truly right for you, they have to be able to appreciate your past and not judge you for it. Although this guy might be very practical in his own life and not understand why people get stressed out, he may be different with you? Especially as he can ask you questions and you can help him understand.

x

Strawberry Xs · 11-03-2014, 10:45 PM

Thanks for the reply Tig,

So the weekend didn't quite go as planned, I just felt very awkward all the time we were in the hotel and couldn't relax or get undressed etc. with the lights on. It just didn't feel right randomly coming out with it, I was kind of hoping he would comment that I always put the light out, then I could have maybe said something, but he didn't.
I'm not sure he's actually that into me tbh, so maybe it's for the best I didn't say anything... x

High_Voltage · 11-03-2014, 11:40 PM

It's great that you stopped. Honestly, it's hard to explain your scars to anyone let alone a significant other. Just sit him down and try your best to explain your past of sh and explain that you dont do it anymore but you did at one point. If he's a reasonable guy he will understand

bitomato · 12-03-2014, 05:21 PM

When I started reading this thread I was concerned for you regarding the weekend. The relationship is what it is and if you are not getting feelings of commitment at this stage then you are rightly questioning whether to reveal. I don't hide my scars, but SH isn't commonly understood in my culture either. When I was younger, my bf at the time thought someone did it to me. He just looked confused when I tried to explain that I did it to myself. Similarly, my BFF and dad just kind of went along with it like okay.....? I think that when you are more comfortable with the scars then you show them, but if keeping the lights off works for you at the moment- you bring it up when either of you is ready for that level of intimacy. However, the not that into situation isn't on in my opinion. Many people with various body issues have the lights off. My scars are mine- so I don't really know how close I would need to be to ever explain them to someone. Let the relationship develop naturally. And the fact that he does not understand why people stress out does not equate to not caring about you. Hang in there.