Oh Emma, I'm sorry things are bad. What's happening with SS? I know it seems hard, but you need to take care of yourself. Are you able to speak to Jocelyn?
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
I do talk to Jocelyn and she's being amazing but I'm just messing everything up for those around me and putting more strain on her.
I think life would be a lot easier for her and Ethan if I wasn't around.
They want to do an assessment this week to see if there is cause for concern. It's all my fault.
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
I am sorry things are so difficult at the moment Emma. Having a low iron level won't be helping how you are feeling. I'm assuming your GP will discuss treatment options with you for that on Thursday? I hope the appointment goes well and proves helpful.
Who informed social services? I've had an assessment and they just refered me to early intervention prevention service. They are really nice and we recently had a meeting about Lucas' welfare when I'm unwell and it just about our support network and ways to help my partner deal with the pressure of an unwell me and Lucas' needs.
The police and a&e staff informed social services. I'm very anxious about social services, especially if Ethan's dad needs to be informed. He'll twist it and use it to his advantage, I'm sure.
I was planning to go to the SUN group this afternoon but it's been cancelled which has left me feeling lost. I really could have used the group. I'm feeling very low, anxious and overwhelmed.
I wish I was stronger.
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
Hugs Emma I'm sorry things are so hard for you they wouldn't be better of with you out jocelyn cares about you and loves you so much and it's not your fault Hun could you take a walk or something like that ?? X
I saw my GP this afternoon. I'm supposed to take iron twice a day (I'm going to make an effort to try). He's increased my quetiapine again and I've got an ECG next thursday. He's referring me back to the CMHT which I'm apprehensive about because of the way they messed me about a few months ago.
I feel very strange right now. Like there's a darkness. I can feel it looming over me like something very bad is going to happen or someone is coming. I can't describe it.
It's close to the edge and I think it's going to snap.
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
im sorry you're feeling so bad right now, is there anything you can do to lift your mood like having a hot bath or going out with friends? also is there anyway you can talk to jocelyn about how you are feeling?
I've been working hard at trying to talk to Jocelyn about how I'm doing.
I'm seeing a lot of scary images and things the demons are making me watch just to mess my head up. I'm tired of it.
I'm still so torn. Do I take the iron despite the demons and the girl telling me not to?
I'm so tired of her screaming. She blames me and wants to punish me badly. I keep having flashes of something that happened and I feel guilty.
I'm having nightmares every night.
I feel like I'm being attacked at all angles.
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
I feel guilty. Horribly guilty.
It's all messed up. I didn't mean for her to get hurt. I honestly didn't. If I could have done something I would.
I can't let anyone else get hurt because of me. I can't. I have to protect them.
Trapped in a world of demons, spiders, shouting, graphs scenes of torture and rape. Fearful, anxious, guilty. Screaming. Rules. Poison. Nightmares. It's so fucking dark. I'm tired.
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
Hugs Emma who didn't you mean to get hurt and how ?? I'm sure none of this is your fault it's good that your having regular contact with your gp they will try to help you however they can x
A social worker came on monday and spoke to Jocelyn and Ethan. She said her recommendation was no further action. Yesterday Ethans dad started accusing me of things that I haven't done and just being a complete arse. He spoke to the social worker this morning about his 'concerns' but luckily she wasn't concerned because there was no information. It's all just been really stressful and I've been trying to keep it together and not make things worse.
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
Yeah it is good. It's just been a hard week with that looming over our heads and then when there's the relief that it's over, Ethan's dad starts accusing me of self harming around Ethan, having 'episodes' around him and then saying I'm lazy and should just 'suck it up and get on with it' before trying to drag social services back again. It's all been very up and down.
I feel like I've been holding it all in because I didn't want to make the situation worse but I still feel suicidal, especially because I can see how much stress I cause. I keep thinking they'd be much better off without me.
There's a crowd in my head and a crowd in my ears. Conflicting wants and messages and demands and rules. It's overwhelming.
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
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