Frankie is discharged from Critical care now. She saw a psych liaison guy called phil and he had the minutes of the professionals meeting they had on Tuesday.
He wouldn't let me have the notes from the meeting, which as much as I see no point not to let me have them, I saw his dilemma in giving them to me.
I asked him if I had a choice or not to take Frankie home [he said he was sending her home whatever] and he said I did not have a choice. Psych liaison said he would take the responsibility of his decision today.
He told us about some of the recommendations made in the professionals meeting unintentionally, because he tried to implement the 'plan' today. Part of the plan is to refuse services for 48 hours after any self harm or suicide attempt. It apparently comes from the DBT programme. Which would be fine, if Frankie was receiving DBT; a personal therapist and 24/7 phone contact. They have picked ONE thing from this, used it, and not applied ANYTHING else. The NICE guidelines state that it should not be used anyway!
I went a little mad with him because he was trying to implement a plan that has not been explained, discussed or even mentioned before now. How they can implement a plan we don't know about I don't know. He kept saying there was a care package in place with the CMHT. But never really specified what this care package entailed. This plan was made with NO input from us whatsoever. It also contravenes the care plan we made with Deo 10 days ago!
Eventually he agreed with the Home Treatment Team that they would ring Frankie this evening. We left middle of the day today, Frankie's mum took us home.
We are highlighting passages in the NICE guidelines for PDs and will use this, alongside the criteria and process for discharging a person from a Section 117. Legally they cannot do this from what I have read on NHS choices and Rethink pages.
My dad has been a star at looking up NSFT's policies and the S117 rules, NICE guidelines etc.
Tomorrow he is coming to visit us and we will head straight for Mariner House to try and get hold of a copy of these minutes and to follow on from my requests; a meeting with the manager of the Adult IDT. I spoke to the NSFT complaints manager on Friday who agreed to send the Adult IDT manager an email requesting and confirming he should meet with us face to face. I will seek to have an appointment booked and the time given to me.
We are sick of this, but hey ho.
Some of the things *certain people* have said have been shocking. My ex CPN shocked me. I used to think she was okay.. I am so angry with her. When I saw her I thought there was a friendly face. How wrong was I.
Last edited by MissAnonymous : 20-10-2013 at 05:04 PM.
I kind of just want to say lots of bad words to the idiots you are having to put up with. I legit cannot think of a sentence to say to them that doesn't involve at least one f word :P
Anyway- if either of you need ANYTHING, you know where I am! Love and hugs to you both <3
Sending you both hugs...I'm glad Frankie is out of ICU but I'm kind of hoping the general hosp can hold onto her as long as they can. Sounds like she's safer there than at home relying on an awful mental health service.
Last edited by Epicene : 21-10-2013 at 09:12 AM.
Reason: typo
I know what the plan is, the psychologist (who has never worked with me on a individual basis and hasn't had any contact with me since the end of May) and Deo on Thursday are going to explain a step down plan care plan with a total discharge from secondary health services with a date of a few months. The reason they are going to give is that they believe service input is making me worse. I can't fight them anymore, I have no energy left. It's hopeless, they are going to do this. All I want now is to die, there is nothing left to do. I have tried my best for so long. I am planning to go to the appointment with Deo and Jo because I want it on my notes what I thought and Marie thought. That's all I can do now. I know Marie still wants to fight i.e. another compliant but I can't fight anymore, I have nothing left to give. I now is sounds awful but in my head I'm considering committing suicide right outside the door where they are all work at night, even chaining myself to the door so they can't move my body quickly I know this would probably make me awful and manipulative person, but I hate them right now, (but not as much as myself and I rather this) than someone I really care about to find me.
Last edited by Ranger Fairy : 21-10-2013 at 04:32 PM.
Can Iris come to this meeting with you and Marie? That way it would at least be officially recorded that she won't be able to see you if you are not receiving CMHT input, so they know you'd be completely without professional support.
I can understand why you feel so hopeless fighting them anymore. You are trying so, so hard and it seems like they're doing precisely the opposite. Service involvement might be 'making you worse' but that's a reason to try harder or try something different, not discharge altogether!
Can you visualise what life would be like if you get through these few months and are discharged? What kind of difference do you think it would make (if any)?
No, Iris wouldn't be able to come, I am seeing her tomorrow afternoon and will explain everything then but I know she wouldn't be able to come but possibly could write to them.
All I can see is death, from countless life-threatening OD's or 'hanging' myself.
I hope seeing Iris this afternoon is helpful in some way. I know it is impossibly hard, but try to take note of how concerned people are for you - she is,Marie is, friends are, not to mention people who have never met you in person from here! It's easy to get angered and despairing after how services have treated you, but so many people care and want to do all they can to help. That's because you're so valued and worth fighting for. Try not to lose sight of that.
I am trying to hold on to the fact that there are people who truly love me even I don't understand why; I don't want to hurt anyone. I hope Iris can say something helpful too, though I know she will have refer to her seniors and discuss the discharge plans and her capability to see me if this happens. I can't stop crying all day every day wherever I am. I really am trying my best to fight for the sake of others but struggling so much with how much emotional pain and distress I am in. I am scared more for others because I know how dangerous this situation is for me (and therefore those who care about me). I will feedback later about what Iris says.
this is the reason I hate mental health services and I still haven't seeked out help from them. I am so unbelievably angry on your behalf.
Frankie, you can fight this, you have been so strong to come this far, don't back down now, keep at them. You and Marie are amazing. One day, there will be a break through. Big hugs xxx
Hi everyone, I'm sorry I haven't posted any updates as I just haven't felt upto it.
Iris was lovely, she couldn't believe this is what they have come up with and said I need to seek legal advice, which is what we have done and they believe it should be funded by legal aid. We agreed what they doing is so dangerous and likely to end very badly. She called Deo.
Marie's Dad, my mum and Marie were with me, it made no difference the psychologist wouldn't change her mind and dodged all my questions (well everyone's) about the fact I have tried this idea fullheartedly recently and why would it work now with everything they are doing and me still being so depressed? It asked about the level of risk and were they willing to discharge me with this level of risk? She dodged this too. I said I felt the helpful bits of the HTT input over the last few months had really helped keep me alive, she said nothing to this. She continued to go on about needing long-term relationships supportive outside MH professionals even after I told her 3 times that I have lots of long-term and good relationships outside of the MH team, I said look around you! She obviously knows very little about me. They are planning to offer the support worker for 3 months then review his input, whether I get worse, stay the same or get better they will use it as part of their reason to go ahead with discharge. They are saying 6 months I guess with a continual reduction in appointments/support from the 3 months.
It is so hopeless, I actually think the massive 'radical re-design' that came in July is the reason why this is happening. It tries to cut money in every possible way and I think they have to prove goals and aims for everyone they are seeing and give time restraints. I have heard it from many members of staff that I can't be in services in the very long-term- but I have only ever heard this since July when the changes happened. For BPD the re-design suggests that client group have unhelpful relationships with MH professionals and that moving away from services is the best way to go.
I can't beat the re-design even if we manage to get this decision overturned. Discharge and time restraints will be a constant problem because of the re-design. I can't win.
It is so hopeless because I can't beat the whole system. I feel very suicidal, and I'm fighting constantly not to 'hang' myself. I can see images myself doing it in my head all day.
I came out of ICU 7 days ago, but I'm already want to hurt myself enough to put me back there( and hoping death would come). I want to cut, but even that doesn't seem no where near enough to even give me a little relief. A and E must be sick of me. Nothing I do seems like I'm hurting myself enough, whatever I do I keep coming up with how it could have worse, how it should have been worse. I keep thinking about the ICU visits and thinking ICU wasn't really necessary, they were just being too safe.
I truly feel I am terrible person and that the world would be a better place without me, there is something really evil about me. Keeping me alive with life-saving treatment is a total waste of money, someone, in fact anyone else would be more deserving of that money, my physical care over the last 2 months would have cost so many thousands.
I'm scared. I don't see a way out this, I honestly think this will only end in my death.
Last edited by Ranger Fairy : 27-10-2013 at 05:48 PM.
I am so truly sorry Frankie. Thank you for writing all that out and keeping us updated.
I really wish I could offer some helpful words ot advice, but I am sending you lots and lots of love and hugs and just want to reiterate what you must be sick of hearing by now but - tough :P. You are a lovely lady and truly deserve to get through all this and come out the other side alive and happier. You are not at all a terrible person or at all evil, you are quite the opposite. You do not deserve this pain, my lovely <3
Frankie, I have nothing uselful to say to you right now but I think you are amazing and such a lovely friend. I'm thinkning of you and sending you massive hugs <3.
I will love myself despite the ease with which I lean toward the opposite.
I really feel like everyone is mocking me, I feel like a fuckin idiot for still being alive after all this. I think they are thinking that she tried all these times and is still there, she'll be fine. The MH probably think it's hilarious that after the critical care admissions that I'm still alive. It is stupid, fuckin ridiculous. I feel so ashamed. I'm clearing not doing a good enough job.
I'm so much emotional pain, every minute I'm still breathing makes me feel so guilty and embarrassed.
I feel ashamed for fighting the MH teams decision, I don't deserve any more of the NHS's money. I'm not improving and keeping me alive feels like such a waste of their time and mine; especially when I am suffering so much.
Frankie, I really don't think anyone's mocking you, they're just making these decision cos they've run out of money, even though you need and deserve help. This is the same trust that put up an emergency tent in their A&E carpark a few months back...
It's easy for me to say, but they very best thing you could do is prove them wrong, and get better, and keep yourself safe. Have you ever tried DBT before? A lot of people find it really helpful with BPD/self harm type behaviours.
What's happening with Iris for time being?
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
