I just want to get by

[littlebear]

It's been about ten years now that I've been feeling terrible about myself everyday. I try so hard to be normal, i just want to live out my life like everyone else and get it over with. Everyday is becoming such a struggle lately. I hold everything horrible that's ever happened to me and everything horrible thats ever been said to me around in my head everyday. I really do try to make a better life for myself. I'm social..I have friends but they don't know about my past or how much it hurts to be me. It's just never enough. I'd never thought it would last this long. I'm about to graduate college and I still feel all the pain. I don't harm myself, but every time I do feel the pain, I just imagine cuts and gashes all over my body and I feel so trapped. I don't understand why I'm not allowed to be happy like anyone else. It's so unfair that it hurts so much, I just want it to stop. I'm sick of crying by myself and hiding how sad I am from everyone because they'll think of me differently. My biggest wish is to be normal. I want to know what it feels like to really be happy. I'm such a broken girl. I'm weak and I don't know what I did to ever deserve all the horrible things thats been done to me, I just can't be strong like a normal person would be. Why me.

The only thing that holds me together is to know how much my mom cares about me. But I hide from her the most. I moved away for college and I barely call home because I would hate for her to know how painful it is for me to just live. She raised me on her own and she's done everything for me to have a good life and I don't want her to worry. I guess the reasons why I'm sad are my own fault though. I always make bad decisions and I'm a pushover. I let people take advantage of me being nice because I've always been a people pleaser. My first high school relationship which lasted for 4 years was abusive in so many ways and ever since then, I've run into a few more abusive relationships. Never as severe, but I feel like that's all I'll ever get from a relationship. My self esteem is just ruined. I'm used to being called terrible things and thinking I'm not good enough for anyone.

[((deleted))]

Hun *hugs* I empathise with you and your situation. Can I suggest getting some help from a domestic abuse service/therapist to help with your negative self-image and cycle of abusive relationships. In the UK there is this thing called the Freedom Programme which I have found very useful (there is an online version but unfortunately the online version is not free) and I'm sure there must be something similar where you are.

[Strawberry Xs]

Sorry to hear that you are feeling like this. I don't really have much advice to give right now, but just to let you know you are not alone. I can certainly relate to wanting to feel normal and happy after so many years feeling miserable.

Try to stay strong and think positive x

[Aquifolia]

I know for me the hardest people to talk about my problems with are those closest to me because I don't want to hurt them. But these are the people who will be supportive of you. You don't have to hide your past, you don't have to be normal. However hard it may be to talk about, I think these are issues you need to deal with in a healthy way and not feel so much that you have to hide. When you are able to start sharing things you will realize you are not alone. If you don't want to talk to your mom or anyone you know, have you considered talking to a counselor? It might help just to be able to talk about it. Your college should have some sort of mental health service available, it would be worth taking advantage of.

[lanamay]

wish i could give you a hug! seems like you have a lot going on, but just think about your mum and how it will get past it, it will get better! things can only go up right? Hope you're alright hun x