I am not coping. *Trigger*

[lala...]

Tomorrow will be 10 months since I last cut, and I like to live in this little world of thinking that everything will be ok if I just don't cut again, but it's not. The urges are so intense and I feel I can't control them and I'm so scared if I do it again there will be no way of getting out of it because I know it will be bad and I won't want to stop. Plus I'm still burning even if I'm not cutting and I seem to try to fool myself into thinking this isn't as bad, which is of course not true.
My eating habits are also terrible - I either binge when I'm upset and stressed, eating anything available and then feeling so guilty and throwing it up or I just don't want to eat and obsess over calories and my weight. I really don't like myself at the moment because I'm not keeping up with life and I feel like I look horrible and am not living up to people's expectations of me.
My anxiety is horrible, I get really full on panic attacks, and it constantly competes with this depressed state I'm in lately: I am anxious when I don't do my hair and make up but I don't have the energy to do it, I am anxious when I don't work out but I don't have the energy to do so, I worry people are judging me and don't want to leave my room, etc. My OCD has also increased to a point which is making everyday life harder and harder to manage.
This is affecting my uni work, I feel like I can't cope with it. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry and sleep and self harm but I can't and I feel trapped.
My parents are also splitting up... So I am really worried about them and my brothers... I'm not living at home anymore (which has been stressful enough) but my younger brothers are, I worry for them, plus of course it upsets me.
I just feel like the pressure is too much. I have not been this genuinely down in a long time. I made an appointment with a counsellor at the uni next friday because I feel like I can't deal with my life on my own anymore but until then I'm stuck and I am really, really struggling.

[freakangel]

It sounds like you have a log on your plate at the moment and that you are struggling. It must be hard. I'm sorry that your urges have been so strong, but it sounds like you do wan to fight them so continue to be strong. With the emotions sometimes they can be a vicious cycle. Try to break that cycle by forcing yourself to do something, even if its just getting up 15 minutes early to do your hair and makeup. It will probably make you feel better about yourself if you do and it might help the anxiety. Sometimes it's doing the little things that can make an impact in our life. I'm sorry about your parents splitting up as well, that has to be hard. I was young when mine separated so I'm sure it's a bit different. But yea, it's not easy. I'm sure that although things won't be easy they will work out and your brothers will be taken care of. Have you tried journaling about what is going on as a way to cope. Also writing out what you want to talk about with the uni counselor might prove helpful in making sure to talk about what you need to. If you need anything I'm only a message away. Take care and continue to be strong.

[PassedExpectations]

how are you feeling today?

i can really empathize with the feeling of losing control when ocd gets worse. for me it felt like all my options were just closing off one by one, and that my life was getting more and more restricted each day. i felt powerless to fight it, and at the mercy of my ocd. the thing is though, treatment can work really well for ocd if you put the effort into the right sort of therapy. Exposure Response Prevention is very effective, and i can tell you more about that if you like...

can you talk to your brothers about how they are feeling? maybe if they are overwhelmed and need a break, and you're feeling up to it, you could invite them to spend a day or two with you...

keep plugging away at school. the best way i've found to deal with school anxiety is often just to do the hw and studying... if i feel like i'm going to fail, putting off the work might feel easier, but will make me more anxious because i haven't done what i need to to feel prepared...