I don't think I have ever been as bad as I have been in the past few weeks, at least cutting-wise. I lied to my friend on my swim team that the bandaid on my knee was from falling, and I took advantage of having a bandaid covering there and cut a pretty checkerboard design, and now I realize, that is how it will scar.
Then the tops of my feet and the inside of my ankle have tons of cuts, and today I moved on to my hip.
Has anyone else noticed that people only seem to notice when there is a bandaid? Ten parallel cuts on my ankle, no comments. A single bandaid on my knee, "What on earth did you do to yourself girlie?". It is like people only look when it is safe for them. They don't want to deal with it anymore than you do, maybe less. Those cuts on your thigh and wrist are ignorable, don't worry. No one ****ing care enough to comment.
And I am so stupid, wearing a t-shirt right after a bunch of cuts healed, without enough bracelets, and one of my best friends noticed and she just stared. Them went on with the conversation. Looked. Stared. Moved the **** on.
And tonight I was going to go with a bunch of friends to hang out and sleepover, and I was gonna look to them for emotional help, but my mom decided I couldn't go. And I already cut a lot tonight and all I want right at this funding moment is to hit reverse and demand to go to the party, or cut more and more and more and more and oh, God. What is wrong with me? Qhy can't I be a normal, functional human being?
I am not what Ihave done,
I am what I have over come.
-that band I like but can never remember :P
I'm sorry to hear you've had a bad few weeks in terms of increased self harm. Has there been anything in particular to trigger this, or is it a build up of lots of things over time? Would you like to talk about it?
In terms of people seeming to only notice when there is a bandaid, I can understand what you mean by it being "safe for them" and noticing but carrying on with the conversation. Maybe it's because it is easier to ask what happened for you to need a bandaid/etc as it could be due to a number of reasons, whereas commenting and asking about cuts is a lot harder to approach, especially if it is very clear they are self inflicted. I think some people will notice and most likely want to reach out to you about it, but they might not know how to approach the subject with you - that's not because of you, more the situation as (unfortunately) it is still a bit of a 'taboo'.
It's a shame you didn't manage to go to the sleepover with your friends. Could you go another time? You said you were going to "look to them for emotional help" - that's really positive, and well done for taking that step (even though I know you didn't manage to meet with them). Could you talk to them and ask them for support over text, phone or arrange to meet up with them?
Self harming does NOT make you an abnormal or not-functioning. And there isn't something "wrong" with you. It's just your way of coping with the stressful things in your life. Some people smoke, drink, channel it into art, music or exercise... everyone is different, but it just so happens you have turned to self harm to help you through this. Obviously self harm isn't the best way, and there are other ways that you may be able to try that don't involve hurting yourself. But take it one step at a time. Do you have any professional help or someone to talk to?
how would you like people to respond when they see injuries? i found that when i was thinking about this and struggling with it, i pretty much was upset with any way that people responded...
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
I can't talk to any professional. My dad is a doctor, so he and every GP I have ever had have been buddies. And right now we are in between GPs because he got in an argument with the last one.
I don't know exactly how I want random people to react. For certain people, I know what I'd like, but it's unlikely. I guess what I really want is proof that I am not just a sidenote.
The friends at the sleepover are some that I don't get to talk to a lot, and have experience with this stuff. They'd be more understanding than a lot of my best friends and family. Actually, my family couldn't comprehend it at all.
I am not what Ihave done,
I am what I have over come.
-that band I like but can never remember :P
You are not a side note. Maybe part of the reason people don't say anything is because it is not an appropriate time, like at swim practice or really any place you are in public around a lot of people. I don't think you would want to be put on the spot like that and be forced to explain. I wouldn't assume that people aren't saying anything because it is "ignorable" but because they don't want to invade your privacy and it is an uncomfortable topic.
Also, it sounds that you want people, or at least certain people, to notice/react to your injuries in some way. It may be better to reach out by talking about it rather than just letting people see. More difficult yes, but not as hard on those you are trying to get support from.
I want people to see because I know this isn't healthy. I know I need help but I dont know how to tell people. And I still hide them to the best of ability. It isn't like I wear shorts or something to school. I don't do this for attention, but I know that is what they are saying when I'm not there. I just don't know.
I am not what Ihave done,
I am what I have over come.
-that band I like but can never remember :P
I know exactly how you feel. I was always the same way. I would hope someone would just notice so I wouldn't have to say anything. But then I would get so scared it made me hide more. It is so hard to talk about but it is even worse to go through it alone.
Maybe you could try writing out what you would say to someone. Or if you are really not comfortable talking about it, maybe you could write a letter or an email explaining it. That way they will read the whole thing without jumping to conclusions before you talk to them.
Well bandaids are kind of noticeable but the an injury is always shoccking and especially to uptight secluded people, like my family. If only you can see the wtf face. Its ok youre beautiful no matter who says what so wear it
how would you like people to respond when they see injuries? i found that when i was thinking about this and struggling with it, i pretty much was upset with any way that people responded...
