Hello run. This sounds just like me. It has taken me months to open up to my counsellor even though I wanted to. She"s been nothing but lovely to me and yet still it is difficult but I am getting there. Some of the threads I've up(especially one very recently indeed) were abut my fear over showing emotions, that I'd want to run away or feel embarrassed abut getting really upset..... And yet to cry a lot and truly let go was exactly what I both want and feel I need to do.
It seemed very scary and dare I say uncomfortable to discuss directly with my counsellor last week many of the things bothering me most about my relationship with her. These aren't bad things by the way, moreso she is so nice to me that it's overwhelming at times. For instance I struggle with physical contact and though I long to be hugged by people I am scared of it happening in realisty.
We talked about what stops me crying...such as a fear that if I really break down I'll be totally out of control. Also I was scared my counsellor would want to touch me but she said she knows I don't feel comfortable with that... So she wont doit.But what I would like to say to her is that I do want to be touched by people, including her (if its appropriate of course).
As Regards playing things down, I do that. I find it hard to admit the true depth of my feelings to anyone. I have intimated to my counsellor that often it is worse than I say, but she had already picked up on that. Even though I feel really on the spot in sessions, apparently I don't give off many signals. There I am sitting there feeling under threat and dreadfully emotional and yet apparently I am not displaying this at all. The only thing she has noticed is I start to fidget with my feet. That's it. No other signals.
It took me weeks before I was able to cry. But now after all this time and with a lot of work together I am getting there. It isn't easy I won't pretend but for me to get better I simply have to open up. To do that and to go through emotions, memories and feelings I have buried deep inside are all part if the healing process. I do feel like giving up on counselling at times as its not pleasant to experience these Painful things but at the same time to share something so deep with someone is actually very, very rewarding and it fulfils some of needs along the way.i can't talk abut this stuff to my partner as that would be expecting too much. I can't talk in any great depth with most of my friends and colleagues. Simply because they'd be quite shocked if they knew my full story I am sure.
Ultimately it is worth taking a chance and dipping your toes into the scary sea of self disclosure. I strongly recommend giving it a go. You will probably feel uncomfortable at times but it is worth it since each time you open up a little bit more, you are increasing the strength of the bond between yourself and your therapist(or counsellor).
Several years ago I did a lot of therapy. I wasn't able at that time to open up like this. Not a single tear in all those sessions. I think it baffled my therapist. She said I was very closed. It wasn't my intention to be that way and back then all I wanted to do was to cry in front of her and show her the depth if my emotions. I just couldn't do it. She knew how bad things were as I completed written thought records and things especially when i was triggered. My only regret with the therapy was being too scared to open up emotionally. But the therapy was really beneficial and my therapist a lovely , caring person.
The difference in counselling has been that I truly wanted to open up. I have managed that and one day I feel I am going to sit there and cry like a baby. I don't mean that in belittling way.i mean that if I am able to truly connect to and release the years of pent up emotions, sadness, hurt and frustration inside me, really connect to the deep darkness I have hidden away, then maybe I can start again and feel cleansed of all the crap from my past.
So I would again strongly recommend you try braving it out and giving it a go. I really feel it would be helpful. As suggested, writing it down is a great idea. The way I did it before the recent session when we talked about stuff I found hardest yet, was to visualise me in a counselling session. And think abut what I'd like to say to my counsellor. I play out in my mind what may happen next. These imaginary sessions prove invaluable to me. They may sound silly and perhaps it makes me feel silly to admit I do it, but you read many a self-help book and they recommend "imagery".
Also I do some of that before I go to see her. All intended to calm my nerves and prepare me for what I want to say. No different in principle to a person who is going to give a speech. They practice don't they?
But also definitely jot down what it is you'd like to say because you can pass the Note across. I used to do that with my therapist and it really helped.
I nearly bottled out of saying that stuff last time round but I managed it. Bit by bit I explained my fears. She understood and read me so well. She was very understanding and even touched that I was able to speak so freely. Give it a go my friend if you can. It may take time to get there but I do believe that you are able to begin this bit by bit.
