Hello, I don't usually post in here but I'm SO worried about a friend at the moment and could do with some advice on how I can help her. Before we went to uni last year, we realised she seemed to be developing a problem where she thought she was huge no matter what. She'd draw attention to the things she was eating and would always talk about being healthy etc. Over the summer holidays things got worse and a couple of things that happened confirmed it for us. She still didn't seem convinced she had a problem, despite the fact we tried to talk to her.
We went to uni and things got a bit busy. The four of us talked less, but we'd occasionally get messages from her saying how much she missed us and how much she wasn't enjoying it. We've met up a few times over the past few months and every time she has got thinner. Tonight, she sent the three of us a message about how she doesn't want to fade out of our lives, then something happens to her but she'd already be gone to us etc. She also said that she might be admitted and just generally how terrified she is. I think she's genuinely realised she has a problem now, which is the first step forward, but the rest of it seems so difficult to solve. I wish I could go down there and help her myself, but she's quite a while away now we're in uni. I just wish I could do more to help her. She even said that it's more difficult without us three being around every day etc.
I just don't want to lose one of my best friends and I hate to see her suffering like this. I've said I'll give her a call tomorrow but I'm not entirely sure what I plan to say.
Founder of: Capstealy avoidance method 3 aka The Steph Da First Method The picture above was kindly created by Sentient Treacle (leafy girl)
I'm sorry to hear about your friend, and it sounds like you're being a great friend to her.
If she is starting to accept that she has a problem then that's a massive step towards progress and recovery.
What do you want to say to her? Because you have a right for your feelings and concerns to be aired. And in terms of things to say to her for her benefit, do you feel like you're in a place where you'd be able to say that she can talk to you about anything if she wants, or do you feel like details of her eating disorder would be detrimental to your own mental health?
If you wanted, the three of you could make a her a little book of inspirational stuff? Like, quotes, photos of the four of you, messages from friends etc.
You are an absolutely wonderful friend. All I can really offer you is a link to a Tumblr that may answer many of the questions you may have... FYourED. Their FAQ is really a plethora of great information, though it is admittedly more geared toward ED sufferers themselves. Pass the link on to your friend, perhaps? <3
You forgot you have to try, you have to try, you have to try.
Yes, of course I don't mind her talking to me. Eating disorder things don't really bother me that much so I'd be fine! I'm just glad she WANTS to talk now because we've tried for a long time to get through to her. I just don't know what I can say, because I can't just say something and make her better but I really do want to her to start looking after herself.
That is actually such a good idea. She keeps talking about how much she misses us and hasn't really made friends there so it would probably help her to have that to remind her we're still there.
Thanks :) xx
Founder of: Capstealy avoidance method 3 aka The Steph Da First Method The picture above was kindly created by Sentient Treacle (leafy girl)
I guess then just tell her that you're always here to listen and that you may not always know what to say, but that you care. And maybe if there's a particular issue where you can't think what might help, you could always post here and we can try to suggest things!
And books like that are awesome fun to make as well! It's my favourite form of procrastination at the moment :P
I spoke to her tonight and she said that the doctors have said her heart could stop at any minute and that she only has weeks left if she carries on as she is doing. The hospital don't seem to be supporting her much, they seem to care about the numbers etc but aren't going into why she feels she needs to control everything she eats. She's in uni and doesn't want to drop out or defer a year. I just can't stand seeing her suffering and wish I could do more to help. She said being back at home with us helps (as it has done over the past few years) but she seems really lonely there. I just wish I could do more. I am so scared that I can't help her enough! She knows I'm there for her at least. Thanks for the advice!
Founder of: Capstealy avoidance method 3 aka The Steph Da First Method The picture above was kindly created by Sentient Treacle (leafy girl)
I spoke to her tonight and she said that the doctors have said her heart could stop at any minute and that she only has weeks left if she carries on as she is doing. The hospital don't seem to be supporting her much, they seem to care about the numbers etc but aren't going into why she feels she needs to control everything she eats. She's in uni and doesn't want to drop out or defer a year. I just can't stand seeing her suffering and wish I could do more to help. She said being back at home with us helps (as it has done over the past few years) but she seems really lonely there. I just wish I could do more. I am so scared that I can't help her enough! She knows I'm there for her at least. Thanks for the advice!
Oh bless you, that does sound really scary, but it sounds like you're being an excellent friend to her, so try not to worry about not helping 'enough', because you are!
I'm presuming she's at quite a low weight now then? It can seem really emotionless and clinical the way they focus more on numbers and re-feeding instead of emotions and stuff, but that's because at a really low weight the brain just can't function well enough to properly engage in therapy or rationalising. So quite often it's a leap of faith to accept the need for weight gain, and trusting that being comfortable about the weight gain will come later.
Oh bless you, that does sound really scary, but it sounds like you're being an excellent friend to her, so try not to worry about not helping 'enough', because you are!
I'm presuming she's at quite a low weight now then? It can seem really emotionless and clinical the way they focus more on numbers and re-feeding instead of emotions and stuff, but that's because at a really low weight the brain just can't function well enough to properly engage in therapy or rationalising. So quite often it's a leap of faith to accept the need for weight gain, and trusting that being comfortable about the weight gain will come later.
Yeah, if she gets a little bit lower they're going to section her. I think she's going into hospital, from what she said to me today. I just hope she's ok, I don't want to lose one of my best friends and it's horrible seeing her suffering! I feel as if there's nothing I can do to directly help her.
Founder of: Capstealy avoidance method 3 aka The Steph Da First Method The picture above was kindly created by Sentient Treacle (leafy girl)
Hi, how is your friend doing today? Hopefully after a few weeks she will begin to improve enough to start engaging properly with support/therapy and her physical health will improve. Is she still losing weight in hospital? It might be worth seeing if there is say, one food she would eat, and taking that in; it can be hard trying to re-feed given some of the hospital food isn't always what would be eaten at home.
Take care.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
I don't think she's actually in hospital yet, just in the process of being admitted.
You're not giving yourself enough credit Steph, because from where I'm standing you're already doing a lot to help her directly! Do you know how she feels about going into hospital? If they're threatening to section her, it sounds like she's not really ready to engage on her own and there really isn't a lot you can do to make her want to eat and try to recover; she may need to have re-feeding forced upon her for a little while until she's ready to want this for herself.
i'm so sorry about your friend, as said below you need to give yourself more credit !!! I know you probably feel helpless right now but you are been such a supportive friend, my friends walked away from me I would have done anything to have someone like you to support me. you are going to have to be patient with her because she will have her bad days but good also, hopefully they admit her so she can get the treatment she deserves. They won't give her any therapy until she is at a stable weight. sorry i'm short on words but I just wanted to say all the best and I hope your friend gets the help she needs.
take care
xo
Locked in, Buried under my skin
Riding on the whispers, Restless in the wind
Hunted, I can feel it coming
Keep me under cover in what could of been.
I think she has to go to the hospital for another appointment on Tuesday. In regards to someone asking how she feels about hospital- she said she's willing to go, but she wants another week at uni to get some work done before she goes... but the hospital might disagree with that.
I just hope the hospital can do more to help her. I'm glad she's talking to us though. She just denied it in the past.
Thanks everyone :) Helpful responses!
Founder of: Capstealy avoidance method 3 aka The Steph Da First Method The picture above was kindly created by Sentient Treacle (leafy girl)
Actually no, I think she's going to have to come home and go into hospital within the next few days.
A question- She's worried that the people in the hospital around her might make her feel worse about eating because she's worried that they might judge her. I'm sure many people have felt like that in this situation, so does anyone have any advice/ideas?
Founder of: Capstealy avoidance method 3 aka The Steph Da First Method The picture above was kindly created by Sentient Treacle (leafy girl)
