It's actually quite entertaining, listening to all your bullshit. It's fine because others are starting to see you the way I have all along. So I hope you're proud of yourself.
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
I love you. I love you. I love you. Argh I fucking LOVE YOU! But I know you'll never ever love me back... please just leave me be so you don't rip up my heart any more than you already have.
Thank you for helping me. Thank you for looking after me while I'm poorly and thank you for holding my hand while I'm having flashbacks. I do appreciate what you do for me. Love you <3
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
I'm not sure I'll ever find out why you suddenly stopped calling me, and that scares me slightly. I kept switching from worrying about you to feeling angry with you, and I still can't stop thinking about you, after all these years. At first I thought something awful must have happened, but apparently you were still showing up to class. I don't understand. You promised you'd be there. I know by now we might be on other sides of the world, and I know it's naive to take things at face value... but we used to tell each other everything, and we didn't spend more than a few days apart in almost two years. The last I heard, you weren't talking to anyone. I haven't felt like myself since you left, and I've barely talked to anyone either. I tried, but I can't feel any sort of connection. I miss you.
When you jokingly said that I'll never get married, I laughed and joked about it but only because you said what I already know. Occasionally I think about relationships but I feel stupid for thinking I'd ever be good enough and even if someone was stupid enough, I can't stand being touched or being around people for too long. But I think about it and it makes me sad as I add it to the list of things I don't seem likely to do, the jobs I once wanted but will never cope with, the years I missed out on for being in a&e whilst my friends were out clubbing etc. I WANT to WANT stuff but the only thing I actual want is to feel like my future is better than my present and past and that doesn't seem possible.
December 7th was supposed to be the end. Every day since then I have been wondering what the heck I have been doing alive.
Dear Wrist.
You can troll me as much as you like, I will not give in.
You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you wish to make.
i don't ever want to go back home. i want to hide out here forever and write stories. i want to pretend that i'm someone else, and if i pretend long enough - maybe i can be.
It would be really fucking appreciated if you said shit to my face instead of talking crap behind my back. Cheers.
Now I'll play your ghost as my ace, whenever I'm led astray.
But I am actually good, can't help it if we're tilted.
I'm in my right place, don't be a downer.
Finding out you want to see me has all the panic and anxiety started up again. Damn you. I hope you don't ruin my day because i don't want to be all woe is me at the birthday dinner.
It hurts that you've changed so much, leaving me behind. Two kindred spirits we used to be, now separated by the wall you put there. Don't forget about me, know that I'm still here waiting for you to return to me. Be my soul because I've lost mine when you left.
Irish MH people - write to me.
German uni people - email me.
The longer I go without hearing from either of you, the more anxious I get. It's getting ridiculous. Get in touch ASAP!
You're my sister, and I should be able to trust you more than this, especially since you've never actually given me any reason not to. The opposite, if anything.
But I can't.
These trust issues are getting to me, even with you. Please believe me when I say it's not you, it's me, but I swear to God, if you read the messages that I couldn't delete off the phone I've lent you - like I told you not to - then you will regret it.
I don't know what I'd do, but I don't think I'd ever be able to even slightly trust you again. It's hard enough now. And you couldn't do much more to make me trust you at the moment, either.
I do know that if you did it, I would be angry at you, very angry, but because everyone would act like it's unreasonable (or maybe I would just perceive it that way, but to the same effect), I would turn it towards myself. I would hurt myself because of something you did, because, even after months of seeing a psychologist, it's the only way I have to deal with some things. And that would fall into those some things. You'd never know, but you wouldn't want that, would you?
There's some big secrets on that phone. Looking at the situation logically, it's unlikely you'd get to them - for a number of reasons. But it's gnawing away at me anyway and if you were to know them, it wouldn't only affect me - they're not my secrets, just the ones I'm keeping. You can't know that stuff about those people.
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