Don't tell me life will always be this way, please
Tell me it gets better. I'm terrible at dealing with things. I have to go to school 3 days a week now and my husband, who works 50 hours a week, will never understand how stressful it is because he's got it much harder and is used to working. I feel like I never have time for me anymore.
He likes to go out on weekends, which means that I don't truly get to enjoy them. I don't adore going out. Even if I can enjoy the outing- and I often do- for me, "me time" is being absolutely alone and drinking coffee and chatting to people online.
And I'm incapable, it seems, of treasuring the time I do get. Tuesdays are the only day I have where I can be alone and relax and not worry.
And then there's all the ****ing homework. I hate this. I really do loathe it. If I didn't have to be a "full-time student" to be listed under my parents' healthcare, I assure you I wouldn't be in college right now.
I thought I was willing to do this to be a singer. I guess not. I guess the only thing I truly want to do with my life is sit at home alone and ramble in Italian until I die.
I'd like to self-injure but I'm not going to.
I'd REALLY like to burst into cathartic tears, but I'm probably not going to do that either.
I HATE having responsibilities. I'm terrified that this is the easiest it's going to be, that things can only get worse. How does anyone manage this? If I had to do the work of the "average" person, with a 9-to-5 job and maybe a kid or two, I might actually literally kill myself.
i don't know that things will change in terms of how busy you are. honestly, i think less thing to do might be worse for you because you'd have more time to just sit and want to harm and have to resist.
we've all got to learn that not all stress is bad, and that we have the skills to handle it. and you can do that just as much as anyone else. so your take on things likely will change, so that they aren't so difficult
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
I work the average 9-5 job and I have a kid and I think it has made my life better. The structure of it helps me manage my time. My job makes me feel like I am doing some good in the world. My daughter reminds me to focus on others. My point is that it does get better but it has to start with your attitude. I still want to sh a lot but the job, friends , husband, kid , etc keep me grounded. My first few years of marriage were more difficult. It took a few years to learn to compromise better, not hold grudges and to not take things so personally. I am not trying to preach in many ways my life isn't as together as I would like it to be but it does get better.
Passedexpectations- You may have a point. The theory homework I hate is giving me something to do with my mind right now other than being depressed.
Starla- I do hope you don't think I'm criticizing everyone who has a day job, children, and more responsibilities than I do. If I offended I apologize wholeheartedly. I only meant to say that I personally do not think I could cope with having that much to do. But it is good to know that in spite of having much more than I do on my shoulders, you feel centered and balanced somehow.
So, I suppose the general consensus is that it gets better, but not easier. What a foreign concept to me! I have always equated peace with a life free of any responsibility. It almost- only almost, mind!- makes me wish for the Victorian era, when the most common and widely practiced cure for a lady/s mental health issues was to send her off to the countryside and demand that she do nothing but lie in bed all day.
I fear I will never have a day when I can lie in bed all day again. And my fears just might be valid.
Yet the human mind and soul can tolerate and endure a great deal more than we believe it could. I can force myself to endure school and domestic responsibilities.
Forgive me for rambling. I appreciate your insight, both of you.
I can totally understand where you're coming from right now. I felt the same way when I started a new school and was having a really difficult time coping with a longer schedule and way more homework, all because I knew it was going to benefit what I wanted to do for a career. It's hard to keep that positive mindset and hope of doing what you truly love if you have to do so many unpleasant things to get there, but believe me it's worth it.
Anyway, it's crazy how much I can relate to this situation. It does get quite dismal when you're forced to adapt to everyone else's agenda. Unfortunately you may just have to stay strong and pull through until it gets better (and believe me, it will). Luckily there are things that can make it easier. One thing that I used to motivate myself is thinking of future plans/holidays. Just give yourself something to look forward to (: even if it's just a night at home on the internet. Maybe even go smaller than that. Make little points throughout the day that you can look forward to. Have a moment where you can listen to your favorite song or read a chapter in your book, or plan on making something really delicious for lunch. Just because a day is filled with work and unpleasant things doesn't mean there's no time to enjoy yourself.
Also, I know this may not apply to you, but I've noticed a pattern within myself concerning SI and work. For a while I would have really intense urges and feel so low whenever I needed to get some schoolwork done urgently, so naturally I avoided it until absolutely necessary. I soon realized that it seemed like I was using the urges as an excuse to procrastinate. If that makes any sense... I would have to step away from the work to take care of the urges first. To fix this, I told myself that if I got all my work done then I would essentially give myself "permission," to indulge in the urges and hurt myself as much as I pleased. Fortunately, getting the work done also made the urges less. Who knew homework could be a trigger! Eventually I excised the habit and now I'm motivated to get homework done now, despite having a few rough patches now and again. Of course, I'm not assuming that it's the homework stress making you feel that way. Just a little tip in case it is (:
Also know that even though this situation feels endless, it doesn't have to be that way. You aren't obligated to follow the "conventional" route of life. Do what feels best for you, and know that even though things may not be ideal for a time it's bound to change for the better. I can assure you that everyone that has to "do," things feels the exact same way. It's just seems like an uncomfortable step to better times, but there are ways of making it a very pleasant step as well. Life and success don't only start after going through so much strife.
Hi Emma, firstly I just wanted to say I know how overwhelming it can be to deal with education. I'm at university 3 days a week and find it far more stressful than I did when I was working. I personally get the drive to do it because I know that eventually, when all of this is over, I will be better equipped to do what I want to do for a job and I know I'll be much happier. Admittedly it doesn't help when I'm having a massive downer-day but it's where I get the drive to go normally.
Secondly, yes your husband is used to working and works a lot of hours but everyone's stress is personal to them. That means he doesn't necessarily have it worse than you because of his working hours. You feel stressed because you are stressed, it's not your fault.
Have you tried talking to him about this? Do you get any support from anyone at all?
I was not at all offended. I just know that I think for me I function better when I am busy because it keeps my mind busy and therefore off of sh. Of course I still get overwhelmed at times....but for the most part for me idle hands are the devil's play place. My suggestion is to find something you are passionate about and throw yourself into it.
trust me there are many times where I am longing for a catharsis too. I just believe whole heartedly it does get better....not perfect, but better.
