I started sh on December 15th 2011. Perhaps even earleir than that. Things are blurred as far as the dates go, but I'll never forget my final thoughts before I picked up the tool for the first time. It was on and off until January 2nd. I went full time. I couldn't stop until president's day 2012. A lot of things happened. Then I went on a weekly regimen, until I fully stopped in August.
January 2nd was the 1 year anniversary. I don't consider December the official month I started because I was experimenting. It's been 6 months since I last did this.
I'm currently approaching the split.
On one side, I want to go back. I miss feeling like I mattered (not as in other people cared, but feeling the product of my labor spill onto my body. I hope I can more or less show what I mean without actually saying it). I miss the comfort it brought and the relief of stress. It was my way of emptying a bottle that was so close to overspill for years.
On the other, the only reason I stopped was because I wanted to get close to someone I had a thing for. I was working on that but my unstableness because of self harm drove her away. She knew I was a good person but placing her problems with my desire to have someone to hold me down when I really needed it made her life unstable.
She decided I wasn't worth it and was only around me just enough to help me stop. A month passed by and I stopped but she stopped talking to me. She hung out with me just enough to get me to stop it but it hurts. I don't wish her bad but she hurt me deeply because I really wanted to open a new chapter in my life.
I've never fully recovered from this. I still have the scars, I still have the pains, I still have the thoughts, and I've lost opportunities because of this.
With that said, how do I go forward in life? I've accepted I'll have the scars for the rest of my life. They don't bother me but I'm self conscious. I don't want to talk about why I did it. Frankly, when the person that triggered me to start found out, she pushed me away even though her actions showed me that she didn't care about me the same way I did for her.
That phase is behind me but how do I go forward? How can I life life as I did before the scars?
How do I explain this as people get closer to me and realize the whole "im a happy guy" is an act?
Anyone care to share their experiences living after sh?
Last edited by Lone Star : 16-01-2013 at 07:15 AM.
"On one side, I want to go back. I miss feeling like I mattered. I miss the comfort it brought and the relief of stress. It was my way of emptying a bottle that was so close to overspill for years. "
Me too. I read a lot of fictional stories on random internet sites that glamorized self-harm and made it look like as soon as you hurt yourself, people would start noticing and caring. I tried it and I was right, people did take notice and everyone suddenly cared just like the stories said they would but it didn't feel glamorous at all. It felt shameful and vile and wrong. That's where it was different. Instead of bringing relief and comfort it only brought more pain.
There are many times when I have wanted to go back and have gone back. It is a slippery slope but it is one that is always there. It's part of who we are. We got comfortable with SH and the place it put us in, the attention, the love, the worry, the feelings of relief and calm. Sometimes it would be so easy just to slip right back into that. But you have to look at life differently, find different reasons for people to care about you. Sometimes you may not always get the attention that you would like when you like it. The thing is is that though people always do not show it they do care about you, just may not give you that immediate attention you get when you do something such as SH or acting out in other ways. I was lucky in life after SH (although I did slip up recently after 5 years without) I was able to find the love of my life who has given me the love and attention I feel I need. I also found that I did more activities that got me involved with more people therefore I bad more friends and people around me and that was attention enough for me. Sometimes things they do not feel like they are enough but it is important to remember that even though things may not always be able to be seen they are there, such as people caring. And remember there are always helplines with people that care if you really need somebody, and us here.
Is there some meaning to this life?What purpose lies behind the strife?
Whence do we come, where are we bound? These cold questions echo and resound through each day, each lonely night.
We long to find the splendid light that will cast a revelatory beam
upon the meaning of the human dream.
If you ever need anything I am only a message away
One thing I have to say, it wasn't other people that showed concern over me. The month I was alone, not really with anyone. I noticed when I talked about it to people that I thought were my "friends", they could care less. So now my circle is small and my circle doesn't know my deep dark past. Sometimes I wish I had someone to talk to and be honest about this but I've given up. I looked for a year and I got fed up.
When I said "the feeling that I actually mattered", it's actually truly saying, I miss feeling human. I'm an ex cutter, so we all know the fluid that's a byproduct of that form of harm. When this byproduct ran off my arm, I felt human again. Seeing this byproduct made me feel human, that I wasn't just some puppet that could be tossed around. That's how I felt I mattered. Because I knew I had life within me, feeling the most important thing the body produces and circulates thorough the whole body, I knew who and what I was.
To me the only pain this brought is the internal struggle of hiding the scars, making sure no one sees the scars, doing everything in my power to not seem like I was a self harmer.
When summer came, everyone asked why I had a bandage on my forearm. I always told people I burned myself working on a car or something of the nature. I'm a car guy so it made sense and no one thought twice.
On the other side, I wish I could have been honest and told someone what truly happened. I did have someone where I could be myself. I didn't have wear the bandage, and she was ok with the scars (granted it was that same person that triggered my thoughts to do it, but still). Things were tense between us, I guess because of the fact that she was the person that drove me over the edge, but one day in June, we had a minor disagreement, she turned it into a big deal and we stopped talking from there. She wasn't too accepting of the fact that I did it, but when she was ok (she had issues of her own, and abused her own body in a different way), she was the one person that understood my pain. Now that shes gone (even though it was a good riddance), I still have that void, and IDK how to fill it. Honestly, I yearn to meet someone in my area that has harmed in the past but is on the way to recovery. Sometimes I feel it would be beneficial since we would be on the same page.
As far as "helplines", I'm sorry and I don't mean to offend, but they're some ****. Honestly. I can see why they're not allowed to give out advice, but the fact that they're ears with no mouths, that's not very helpful. Sometimes we get stuck, not because we don't have anyone to talk to but because no one can advise us.
I'm thankful that I met someone that got me to stop, and even though she was in my life just enough to get me out of that road, I'm still stuck.
I think the only reason I haven't gone back is because most days are nothing but work days, either doing odd jobs or working on my car. If it wasn't for my car, I'd probably would have gone back a long time ago, but I like stunting (showing off) so its my balance.
I just wish going on from this spot would be easier.
I wish there was a way to fade most scars so it's not as obvious what I went through. I took this seriously, I wasn't one of those surface harmers that most people that "claim" they self harm did to themselves because of something minor. When I say I used to sh, I was serious, and I know only the people here would understand. Too bad no one here is from Baltimore or Richmond or something. Would make my recovery 100 times easier.
Omg I wish I still lived on the east coast, I was from fairfax! But alas I moved 6 years ago. I'm sorry that you feel you have no one that you can talk to and be open wIth about what is going on. It is hard when yOu feel so alone. I wish I had better words to make things right for you but alas I do not. I just hope that soon you are able to find somebody that you can open up too about what has and is going on, it is always good to have that someone. Take care!
Is there some meaning to this life?What purpose lies behind the strife?
Whence do we come, where are we bound? These cold questions echo and resound through each day, each lonely night.
We long to find the splendid light that will cast a revelatory beam
upon the meaning of the human dream.
If you ever need anything I am only a message away
Personally I think that life after self harm can only come to fruition if you want it for yourself. The first step to achieving your goal is making the decision to try.... which obviously you did. Make a commitment to yourself. I completely understand that feeling of being on the fence. The longest I've gone was nearly two years but I allowed myself to have a taste again and like am alcoholic I am hooked.
Honestly I don't know if it is something that I can get over, but others may be stronger than I am and perhaps could give better advice. During the nearly 2 years when I was sh free it did get easier but there were still urges. I guess I just dealt with it better at the time.
part of "life after _____" (fill in the blank) is stopping defining yourself by the item in the blank, and stopping seeing yourself through that lens... it can be daunting to have to let go of that image of yourself, because you're comfortable with it, but a new lens will be much better for you, and much more fulfilling. find other qualities, activities, etc to define yourself by. and remember that you aren't one sided. it took me a while to figure out that my personality was multi-faceted, and discovering that helped me a lot, because i stopped placing all my eggs in one basket (pardon the cliche :P )
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
