Hi all,
So I've been in a few situations now, where people have done the whole 'promise me you'll never hurt yourself again' thing... the most recently being from someone who is one of my best friends and was generally upset at the revelation.
I know it's said with the best of intentions, and if you reply angrily then it seems ungrateful for their care?
I was just wondering who here has been in a similar situation, as far as I can see there's no way to properly handle the situation...
'I can't' seems very ominous... but I don't want to lie to their faces either... it's pretty hard to skidaddle out of.
Anyway, sorry for babbling...anybody been in the same boat?
Kelly xxx
My mam once said to me "you're not to do that again ok" and I'm like, if it was that easy I'd have stopped years ago. I did stop for a while as I was afraid she would find out and get mad.
I dunno, I guess you could try explain how it is a coping method that you need at the moment and maybe one day you can give it up but not just yet?
I guess it's very upsetting for them and they just want to help but don't know how.
Yes Ma'am, My boyfriend of four years begged me to stop. Cried, and I cried to stop. My problem is I ALWAYS relapse. It gets really hard for him to handle. I'm just so scared to lose him so that helps snap me out of it I guess.
I can see the heavens, but I still hear the flames calling out my name...
My best friend did the same a couple of weeks ago, he said "never again ok, promise?" I didn't know how to respond either.
I think promising to TRY to recover is probably the best option, in hindsight.
If you spoke to other people the way you speak to yourself, how many friends would you have?
My dad pulled that. And the if you don't stop you're going to a mental hospital. He went as far as telling me if I don't stop I will end up in prison. I know my fiancé feels like he just wants to fix it and doesn't know how to help and tells me he just doesn't want me to hurt. He gets upset when I tell him I can't promise to never do it again. I can promise to try my hardest not to though.
i've been given that same speech by a few people recently and my reply is this
"I cant promise not to do it, if it happens it happens, its not your fault but if i can i'll talk/message you for help"
that normally gets the whole sideward agreeable smile and the "arm touch" u know where they don't want to giveyou a hug in case you break down on them but want to show they care with a little contact and just touch your elbow.
I was 5 years free, but life changed and i slipped
My mother tried that and my school. I said to them "okay", nothing more, and they left me alone. So now when I laugh at people for saying they're "concerned", I just can't help it. It's all words anyway, so I don't consider it concern, I don't consider it lying to say I'll stop. We're all just saying what we feel obliged to say as is written in the script to make us feel we're playing our parts right, not because any of us give a crap about what the other is feeling.
"Alright, gang. I'll ignore that some of you are late... if you ignore that I'm the latest."
Yeah, it sucks. When people said that to me I just said, "I promise to try, but it's not as easy as just stopping. The urge is overwhelming sometimes."
And if you don't know them well enough to explain all that, sigh heavily, say "I promise to try" and give them a look that says, "I can't help it"
I believe that that is one of the worst things you can ask a self harmed go do. Ask them to try to talk to someone first or to seem help or distractions first but do not make them promise not to do it again. That is like asking a drug addict to promise never to do drugs again. They can promise to try and to use the resources they have available but that is about the beat a person can do that has an addiction like problem.
Is there some meaning to this life?What purpose lies behind the strife?
Whence do we come, where are we bound? These cold questions echo and resound through each day, each lonely night.
We long to find the splendid light that will cast a revelatory beam
upon the meaning of the human dream.
If you ever need anything I am only a message away
I agree with the above - it's the worst thing to say to a self harmer. People have said it to me several times, and I did say things in the past like: "I promise to try" and all that. But when it got to the point where the person who had said that to me was then one of the reasons I was cutting so much, it got to be laughable really and I decided to be honest with my replies since then.
If someone says that to me now, as they have, I tell them the truth - "I cannot and will not stop cutting just because you want me to. If and when I stop cutting it will be because of me, and what I want."
Or: "promise me you'll stop causing me pain then," that certainly shuts them up.
And, if they do ask: "have you ever done it because of me?" and they have, then I will also tell them the truth. "Yes I have, because of (insert reason here)."
I am virtually 40, I can't be bothered to hide what I am to people, or deal with their issues, when I have my own problems just for their approval. And that's what that phrase is, the person who says it wants to know that they are the one in charge, that you'll do what they want, and they can then feel better about themselves. E.g. Loz stopped because of me. All that does is increase their ego, and decrease the self harmer's (me), which does nothing for the harmer.
Basically it's bollocks, and I hate it, and said by someone who has no idea about self harming.
Loz
You don't have to be a monkey to recognize a banana!
I have been forced into making that promise a lot and have never been able to keep it. I feel sort of divided about it. My best friend has told me that if she finds out I messed up again she will not talk to me anymore. I feel like if it were reversed I would be there no matter what even if i didn't always understand just to be supportive. But I also understand that she thinks that would be enableing and that shes scared.
Kelly, it's nice to see you round here again, even if it's not under such positive circumstances!
It can be really hard when someone tells you to promise you won't do it again or words to that effect. It puts you in a really difficult position. Perhaps you could explain that you are trying, it's just not as simple as stopping on cue. Maybe you could write a letter to try to explain in more detail how you feel and give that to someone close? That might alleviate the pressure a bit.
.gif "sohappy")
