It'd be a bit hypocritical of me if I said "no, I wouldn't date anyone who has self-harmed in the past" so, yes, I would. However, I doubt I would want to date someone who was actively self-harming as it would probably impair my mental health. I've gone so long without self-harming that I really wouldn't want to get back into the habit of seeing fresh SH wounds, in case it would still trigger. Basically, I'd fear that it would lead to a slippery slope of me ending up doing it again.
I've actually thought about this myself, and something I've thought about
Hypothetically, you're in this relationship, and they accept the fact, or acknowledge it at least without leaving, the fact that you self injure. You carry on doing it, that person is possibly gonna convince themselves they can 'save' you. But, they can't, cos it doesn't really work like that does it. So, they try to save you, fail, blame themselves.
Or, every time you self injure, they blame themselves for not stopping you. Or they think they're not a good enough motivation for you to stop, therefore not a good enough girlfriend/boyfriend.
Or they might think they're ok with it, but then when it comes to actually seeing scars, or fresh injuries, they find it weird. They don't like seeing it public, and they discourage it. Or when you're having sex, they might not want to see that, so its always a giant elephant in the room neither of you acknowledge till its too late to save the relationship.
Just some food for thought.
That's actually a really good point! It is something i've thought of myself.
I remember having a friend that blamed herself for my SHing and it pretty much killed the friendship so it could work the same way in a relationship.
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Originally Posted by Scaredy-cat
Wouldnt bother me, id be pretty matter of fact about it
Thank you!
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Originally Posted by Scumbelina
Strangely, I think I would prefer to be with someone who self-harmed/had scars - purely because I would know that they understand/wouldn't judge.
Although I've had a relationship with a self-harmer who accepted my doing it & a 'non-self-harmer' who didn't accept it ... & when it wasn't accepted, I managed not to do it most of the time. So not sure how good it was for me to be with someone who did it ... maybe I need an ex one & we encourage each other not to do it!
I'm actually with you on the first bit, I think I would prefer someone who has at least some experience with SH and all the related stuff.
Mmm...Yeah, I can understand that.
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Originally Posted by Scumbelina
Also, I fear massively that people will be put off by my scars :(
Is that what you're worried about Mikhail?
Yeah, I am somewhat worried about that as lately I am harming in more..public areas of the body.
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Originally Posted by Demons To Some
I have dated someone who self harmed, them having self harm scars didn't really put me off, or worry me, or give me any cause for concern when entering into a relationship with them.
I've never not been accepted because of my scars, but that might be because I've always made sure the other person was okay with it/didn't have any major problems with it before entering into the relationship.
Mmm yeah, so it's important to let the other person know BEFORE you enter a relationship?
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Originally Posted by mat
Every girl I have dated or had sex with except for 1 "self harmed". Mine were worse. If I had a choice unless it was pure sex & sh I would opt out for a non self harmer.
Fair enough :)
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Originally Posted by insignificant_one
I would date an self harmer. Including someone from here. Hopefully they will know what it's like to SI and hopefully not judge/make me give up.
The only thing is that because I would see someone's scars that it would make me competitive which is no good, especially if they had to go frequently to the hospital to get stitched (I have never had stitches).
Yeah, i've thought about it maybe getting competitive and I could see that easily happening..
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Originally Posted by Dying_Angel
I would date someone who has/is self harming.
Thank you :)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Minotaur
It'd be a bit hypocritical of me if I said "no, I wouldn't date anyone who has self-harmed in the past" so, yes, I would. However, I doubt I would want to date someone who was actively self-harming as it would probably impair my mental health. I've gone so long without self-harming that I really wouldn't want to get back into the habit of seeing fresh SH wounds, in case it would still trigger. Basically, I'd fear that it would lead to a slippery slope of me ending up doing it again.
Yeah, I can totally understand that, I think it would be hard to date someone who is still actively SHing as it would make it harder for you.
Me and my gf never talk about my cutting or scars unless I bring it up. I have scarring on my arms she definitely notices, but she's never made direct mention of them or made a big deal about them. So I think I can safely say they don't bother her! It would be different if I still self harmed, though. I think she would definitely be sad if she saw a "new" scar on me, but I can't gauge her reaction for sure because I've kept it hidden if I've slipped while we were together.
tu as tant de choses à dire,
mais le tout reste enfermer.
et quand tu ne sais plus quoi dire,
tu te mets à pleurer.
Mais ça ton publique le voit pas,
tu l'incites à rêver, pendant que toi tu le regarde...
Also, I fear massively that people will be put off by my scars
Perfectly understandable.
I'm not overly comfortable with other people seeing cuts/scars, mostly because they tend to ask awkward questions.
I guess in terms of scars I need someone who accepts that. If someone can't accept me as a selfharmer and hopefully in the future as a former-selfharmer then that's them saying they can't accept me for who I am. And if they can't accept me as such then they are not the right person.
~ SilentBoy
Some people just need a high-five. To the face. With a chair.
I would date someone with scars but I don't think I would date someone who was actively self-harming because I don't think I could cope with it emotionally. I think I'd need to be in a stronger place myself before dating someone who hurt themselves, though it does depend upon what stage they are within the recovery process.
I also worry that people will be put off going out with me because of my self-harm etc..
Mmm yeah, so it's important to let the other person know BEFORE you enter a relationship?
I felt it was important for me personally, but that's just because I knew I wouldn't feel comfortable being in a relationship with someone who was not accepting of the fact that I self harmed/had in the past (i.e. told me I had to stop, asked me to cover my scars, made me promise to stop/never do it again etc as I know that approach doesn't work for me).
Some people might be put off by scars, but I think if something like that puts people off then they're maybe not the best people for you to be with, after all there's much more to people than their physical bodies.
Thankfully my Partner has a wonderful attitude to my scars, he says he likes them no more or no less than the rest of my unscarred skin, they don't bother him, he doesn't avoid touching them, he just doesn't make a big deal of them at all.
I worry about my scars being unattractive, especially since they're in the horrible bright red stage of healing :( I tend to always cover them up as much as possible. I know they're not ideal but it's not an issue for my boyfriend, because he loves me. Self harm scars would never be an issue for me.
Watch the sunrise all alone
Sitting on the tracks
Hear the train come roaring in
Never coming back
Laying quiet in the grass
Everything is still
River stones and broken bones
Scattered on the hill
Mmm yeah, so it's important to let the other person know BEFORE you enter a relationship?
I think (personal opinion though) that that's only true in that I think people should have an established friendship before entering into a relationship, in general. If you don't already have a friendship close enough that you would have felt comfortable with them knowing then I don't think you're close enough to be dating, if that makes sense. If you have to make an announcement about it like "yeah I'd love to be your significant other but PS I'm a self-harmer" then maybe you need more time to get to know each other. Sorry if that was a ramble that made no sense!
^^^ I had only met my boyfriend once before agreeing to be in a relationship with him. And it wasn't even like we had chatted beyond a handful of texts.
Rather awkwardly his friends told him I self harmed (they had heard from my friends) before we started going out so I guess the fact that he actually turned up to our first date was proof enough that he was ok with it.
He doesn't like it. And in a lot of ways the fact that he ISN'T ok with it, is more motivation for me to try not to do it. Because it hurts him, and causes hassle. If I was with someone who said "oh, yeah it is fine if you hurt yourself" then I think I would be doing it a lot more - does that make sense?
I would go out with a self harmer, but it depends on what state their mental health is in, as I am not sure I could deal with certain things. But self harm itself I would be ok with if it was relatively minor (I would not appreciate going to A&E with my partner every week) and preferably if the person was committed to trying to recover.
I've dated someone who has in the past, has scars but wasn't actively when I'm with them. I don't think I could be with someoe who self harms (well being specific, cuts or burns) because I know that I'd be triggered if anything new appeared. I would hate myself for not stopping them even though I know it wouldn't necessarily be my fault or whatever, it's just what I'm like. I once got out of a relationship because I was just so actively self distructive and didn't feel it was fair of me to put that one someone.
With my own scars I'm actually unsure what to think. I have sort of two main self harm patches, I didn't care after the first but I'm scarring much worse this second time - they're in 'private' area, and I just worry if I was with someone who didn't know/ understand self harm that they wouldn't see until underwear was er removed (as underwear covers!!) and it might put them off. But it wouldn't stop me with being with someone, I think I'd just warn them before we were anywhere near that stage!
There will always be a happy ending. If its not happy then its not yet the end.
I think I would date someone who has previously self harmed and has scars but would find it difficult to be with someone who was actively self harming. Although that's due to my current mental state. If I was stable, I don't think it would be as big an issue. My current partner is fine with my scars. I did warn him before he saw them and I do catch him looking at them sometimes but they don't cause a problem. I think I actually feel more uncomfortable about my scars than he does!
^^^ I had only met my boyfriend once before agreeing to be in a relationship with him. And it wasn't even like we had chatted beyond a handful of texts.
In addition to this, people meet others online, via dating websites etc for romantic relationships so lots of people have a different footing than a friendship to work from, which may require bringing up the topic of self harm.
In addition to this, people meet others online, via dating websites etc for romantic relationships so lots of people have a different footing than a friendship to work from, which may require bringing up the topic of self harm.
I would definitely say that you can form friendships online prior to a relationship! However, that's just my own opinion about dating and not what this is really about so I won't argue it further.
The last girl I dated self harmed and even though I hated the fact that she had hurt herself, because I cared about her, it wasn't really a problem for us. We both had scars, but we were able to see past that.
I'd be more scared of dating someone who didn't self harm. The idea of someone wanting to "save" me scares me. I would like to recover, but it wouldn't be anyone's fault if I wasn't able to. I'd hate the thought of someone I cared about blaming themselves for my SI. Not to mention the fact they might hate my scars/consider me ugly, etc.
Subtract out the impact
And the fall is all you get - Ani DiFranco, So What
My boyfriend, and I both did when we first met. We saved each other when we were fourteen. If it werent for him I wouldn't be here right now<3
That's so sweet!
I'm hoping that by the time I do enter a relationship, I will have recovered so it won't make such a big difference as to whether they self harm(ed) or not.
Don't let them tell you "f***ed up" isn't fine:
There's like a million kinds of crazy and I kind of like mine.
In case anyone didn't know (lol, as if :P) I date someone who still self-harms, so obviously my answer to this one is yes.
However, I do very much understand people's concerns about dating someone who currently self harms, because it is very difficult at times (more difficult than I anticipated), and I am confident our relationship would not work if we were both still self-harming. Luckily I'm not, and I'm far too in love for her self-harming to make me even consider leaving or anything, so all is well :)
I actually agree with Ilana as well; obviously other people can do as they please, but I personally wouldn't ever be with someone that I wasn't very good friends with already. But that is just the way I am with relationships, and wouldn't suggest anyone else was wrong for not doing it 'my way'!
I have done. I wouldn't date someone who actively self harms again.
My girlfriend neither self harms or ever has, but I know she has never once thought bad of me for my (admittedly, quite extensive) scarring and I know it doesn't bother her in the slightest. I am recovered now, though, and have not been actively self harming since a couple of weeks before we met. But scarring doesn't bother everyone, don't worry.
I think the more honest you can be with people, the better, really. If you can turn round and say 'I used to self harm and I am scarred, this is how it is' and they stick around (or don't) then at least you know where you stand.
Now I'll play your ghost as my ace, whenever I'm led astray.
But I am actually good, can't help it if we're tilted.
I'm in my right place, don't be a downer.
Well....scars dont bother me and dating someone who has self harmed in the past doesn't bother me either.However I would not date someone who was actively self harming.
This.
I do not have superhuman ability to keep my head and their head above water.
