Feel as though I am not really ill

[not_so_insig]

I feel as though I am not really ill, as though I am somehow faking it. I feel such a failure.

My diagnosis is schizophrenia, but I feel that is even fake. I feel awful because I am only one one antipsychotic and even then I am only on a low dose (Clopixol; 150 mg every two weeks). I quit taking the antidepressants nearly 2 years ago. I never had ECT, DBT/CBT or not even any mood stablisers or sleeping tablets (zoplicone etc). My CPN says that my schizophrenia is currently stable. The only other medication I am on is diazapam and procyclidine and even then they are both PRN.

I feel the same way about SIing, I never had any stitches, so I must be an not so bad SIer.

I only been once to hospital because of ODing, and even then I didnt end up in intensive care or anything, I only ended up in A&E and then the medical assessment ward.

Yet my CPN says that when I become unwell, I become really unwell really quickly, and not even a little bit unwell, it is quite severe. Yet how can that be when I am really not that ill?

[EstPrepare]

I feel this way all the time... as though my BPD must not be real and i must be faking it even though i have been diagnosed with it.just wanted to re-assure you that you are not the only one feeling this way.

Why do you think it makes you feel so bad though? It sounds as though you feel guilty... Perhaps it could help to talk it through with someone?

feel free to PM me :)

-Estprepare

[[Awakening]]

Please try not to compare yourself with others because we're all different and things affect us in different ways. I always felt like my issues are insignificant completed to others but they still hurt me, and dismissing myself was really damaging.

why do you feel awful because of the amount of medication you are on? Like EstPrepare said, do you think you feel guilty for some reason?

[not_so_insig]

Quote:

Originally Posted by [Awakening]

why do you feel awful because of the amount of medication you are on? Like EstPrepare said, do you think you feel guilty for some reason?

I feel as though if I was ill, that I should have been on a higher dose of antipsychotic. Yet I have been on that dose since July and part of me feels that if I was going to relapse due to too low a dose of medication that I would have done so by now. Yet I havent. I know that, that dose of medication is extremely low (I was told by my psych that I was on a very low dose when I was on 200 mg), yet I am coping. I dont know how I am, but I am.

I see others struggling and think I should be like them, instead of coping. I guess that's why I feel guilty and somehow my illness isnt real. Part of me is scared that I will be made to go onto JSA when I am assessed for ESA, yet my CPN (and she says my psych will agree) says that I wont be, even if we have to go to tribunal, due to the severity of my illness.

I dont know if also it's the fact that my medication is wearing off a little (I was due a couple of days ago my injection) or what. But part of me feels like refusing my next injection (due to my CPN being off for Christmas it will be a month between injections by the time I see her), and then if I relapse, then I will prove to myself that I am ill.

I suppose I could ask my psych why I havent had ECT/DBT/CBT/mood stablisers or sleeping tablets but I suppose he will turn around and say "because I dont feel that they are necessary".

I have sought medical attention in the past when I have SIed but I have told that stitches arent necessary. I know that the obvious reason is that obviously I havent SIed deep enough to warrant them, but part of me wants them. I suppose I have never seen any pro SI sites, and due to the rules here, we arent liable to.

[[Awakening]]

People need different doses of medication for a variety of reasons, not necessarily dependant on how ill they are. Also, with anti-psychotics it's notoriously difficult to match the right medication to the right person, so the fact that you're on one that helps is really great. Anti-psychotics also tend to come with a host of tricky side-effects, which tend to get worse the higher the dose, therefore doctors try to keep people on as low a dose as possible. I really wouldn't judge the level of someone's illness by their medicine dose - I could be wrong but I doubt many would. If I were you I'd be proud of how well you are coping on that dose, you're obviously doing really well

If we were all struggling then there would be no one to help the others. It's great that you are coping! Do you have any idea why you feel you should be struggling instead of coping?

A lot of people with very severe mental health illnesses are refused ESA at first and have to go to a tribunal and fight for what they need. It's great that your CPN agrees that you need ESA - they should be able to support you. Also your CPN and psych clearly believe your struggling from what you've said.

I can see the temptation to miss a dose so that you can see if you really are struggling without it. Can you remember being unwell as your CPN described? Or is it possible that your difficulty to believe you're unwell is in part because you can't remember being as ill as your CPN states?

If your psych does say that you haven't had ECT/DBT/CBT/mood stabilisers or ssleeping tablets because you don't need them, could you ask them to explain why? Do you feel you would benefit from therapy? Do you feel you have unstable moods and perhaps require mood stabilisers? Do you chronically suffer from insomnia? If not then they are obviously not required. It would not be in yours or doctors interest to provide you with things that won't benefit you and could be detrimental to you. If you feel you need them, then definitely raise the question with your psych

I never required stitches for my SH but I was still in pain, and when I first started and they didn't break the skin, I was still hurting then. What I'm trying to say is that even though you haven't needed stitches for you SH that doesn't mean your not 'ill enough' - that's a dangerous way of thinking, that is easy to get caught up in but difficult to get out of. Why do you feel as though you need to do more damage?

[talaiporia]

The situations you describe (like intensive care) are worst case scenarios. You are not a fake, you have a real, horrible, illness.
There will always be people worse than us, and always people better than us. Do you feel that RYL exacerbates these feelings? This site is filled with people who are incredibly ill, so people who are somewhat or moderately ill might feel as though they're less entitled to help, which isn't true.

You wouldn't be on an antipsychotic, low dose or otherwise, if you weren't ill.

[whirlpools]

I agree with the others, and sorry I don't have more words of help, but just wanted to say I can relate. I don't feel as though I can be ill anymore, as have been more stable in recent months, but I asked my CC if I could be discharged sometime in 2013 and she said no. I imagine if your CPN still wants to be involved in your care and feels you should be entitled to ESA then this signifies that things really are/have been/could still be a problem for you and things need monitoring and you need to go at your own pace so not to get ill again.

I've never had mood stabilisers/ECT (I don't think many UKers will have had ECT overall) and have never been on a section 3, also have been off antidepressants for a couple of years. I am also on a low dose injection but know that if I wasn't on it my life would be a lot more difficult. I also know that the times I have been most ill in my past, I have had the least intervention in terms of, well, everything.

Do you think you could trust your CPN on this one? Maybe write down your concerns in a letter to her and send it off so she gets it when she gets back off leave, or you could give it to her when she comes to see you? Are you okay going a month between injections?

[whirlpools]

P.S. I think you're very brave to keep coping and am glad you try not to sabotage your recovery. The recovery phase can be very difficult, which I think isn't always made clear, as you have to face new life challenges. It's important to, like I said, do things at your pace in manageable chunks and not feel guilty for not yet being ready to face some of the very big stressors.

[not_so_insig]

Quote:

Originally Posted by [Awakening]

Anti-psychotics also tend to come with a host of tricky side-effects, which tend to get worse the higher the dose, therefore doctors try to keep people on as low a dose as possible. I really wouldn't judge the level of someone's illness by their medicine dose - I could be wrong but I doubt many would. If I were you I'd be proud of how well you are coping on that dose, you're obviously doing really well

If we were all struggling then there would be no one to help the others. It's great that you are coping! Do you have any idea why you feel you should be struggling instead of coping?

A lot of people with very severe mental health illnesses are refused ESA at first and have to go to a tribunal and fight for what they need. It's great that your CPN agrees that you need ESA - they should be able to support you. Also your CPN and psych clearly believe your struggling from what you've said.

I can see the temptation to miss a dose so that you can see if you really are struggling without it. Can you remember being unwell as your CPN described? Or is it possible that your difficulty to believe you're unwell is in part because you can't remember being as ill as your CPN states?

If your psych does say that you haven't had ECT/DBT/CBT/mood stabilisers or ssleeping tablets because you don't need them, could you ask them to explain why? Do you feel you would benefit from therapy? Do you feel you have unstable moods and perhaps require mood stabilisers? Do you chronically suffer from insomnia? If not then they are obviously not required. It would not be in yours or doctors interest to provide you with things that won't benefit you and could be detrimental to you. If you feel you need them, then definitely raise the question with your psych

I never required stitches for my SH but I was still in pain, and when I first started and they didn't break the skin, I was still hurting then. What I'm trying to say is that even though you haven't needed stitches for you SH that doesn't mean your not 'ill enough' - that's a dangerous way of thinking, that is easy to get caught up in but difficult to get out of. Why do you feel as though you need to do more damage?

I was on quetiapine before I was on Clopixol and I was on a moderately high dose. I got tons of side effects and I had to take the procyclidine every single day instead of PRN now (I take it on the day on my injection and then a tablet after my injection). Even then I suffered badly with muscle stiffness.

To me struggling as opposed to coping (as I am now) increases the validity of my illness. When I was struggling (I struggled a lot when I was quetiapine and wasnt even stable) it made me feel alive, even though I was paranoid.

That is partially why I want to go off the medication, and also to prove to ATOS that I am ill and shouldnt be in work. Because they cant even interview someone if they are in hospital under a section, can they? Heck that is another reason why I feel I am not ill, because I havent got sectioned (though I came close once - they got the relevant paperwork out), though I have been threatened with a section a couple of times.

Part of me is that I cant remember that being unwell and also I know that being unwell makes me feel alive. I know that when I am unwell the voices give me special missions! I miss that self importance. But on the other hand I SI when I am unwell, and that means that the Clopixol is working, as I havent SIed for over 18 months now (when I started the Clopixol).

I have been in the past only sleeping for 3 hours a day when I have been highly psychotic, but that hasnt been happening for years (heck when it last happened I was under a different psych). I feel that when that happens I should have been given sleeping tablets then. I do get asked every appointment with my CPN how I am sleeping, as bad sleep is the first sign of me being unwell. So far I have been answering "sleeping fine".

I feel as though I should be SIing worse because it validates that I am an SIer. I feel as though I am only doing surface wounds and that my SI is only minor. But you are right - that way is dangerous - I am scared that when I next SI that I will do some serious damage.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaiporia

There will always be people worse than us, and always people better than us. Do you feel that RYL exacerbates these feelings?

Yes I do. I see other people struggling here and on x y z medication (not always for schizophrenia), and it makes me feel fake. One particular member is always posting about how she is being effected and that is exsasuburating (sp?) the problem. If I am not that bad, it means that I am well. I have met very few schizophrenics IRL so here is my comparison.

[not_so_insig]

Quote:

Originally Posted by whirlpools

Are you okay going a month between injections?

Well she (my CPN) said to phone the CHMT and ask to speak an particular person (who is also an CPN) if the voices get worse, and arrange an appointment with her in order to have my injection. But atm the voices arent any worse and also it is a bit hard atm because I am at my parents, and getting from there public transport wise is a little bit tricky. Getting a taxi would cost too much even on a normal day, and also when I get back in January I will spend over £200 on my kitties in less than a week, so monies is a little bit tight atm.

[[Awakening]]

That's great that you've gone over 18 months without SH! What an achievement! Welldone

It sounds like you don't really feel any worth without mental health issues. Does this sound familiar? Is there anything in your life that you feel is really important to you, or that you really enjoy? Are you studying or volunteering or do you go to any groups etc...? Perhaps branching out of the mental health scene would help you to feel more comfortable with recovery...

[talaiporia]

I hope this doesn't come across the wrong way, but for some people, RYL makes their symptoms worse, or at least their SH/suicidality worse, as they feel they have to be "worse" than other people. And if that is the case for you, maybe a break would be what's best for you right now?

I really do have to say, those who are only mildly affected by an illness, probably don't come and seek out a help website, whereas those who are seriously affected would be mroe likely to.

[not_so_insig]

Quote:

Originally Posted by '[Awakening

;3462464'Is there anything in your life that you feel is really important to you, or that you really enjoy? Are you studying or volunteering or do you go to any groups etc...?

I do voluntary work with the Cats Protection, but part of me doesnt feel like going back after Christmas (I always dont go there over Christmas due to me being at my parents). This is because one of the workers left just before Christmas, and we got on. She came to see me when I was in the hospital last time, and also was the only one there who knew about my schizophrenia. She also suffered with her own mh issues so knew what it is like to have a mh problem.

I am also secretary of a group that organises a day for people with mh problems to get involved in sport. We are a bit quiet atm because there is a very little organising to do at this time of year.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaiporia

I hope this doesn't come across the wrong way, but for some people, RYL makes their symptoms worse, or at least their SH/suicidality worse, as they feel they have to be "worse" than other people. And if that is the case for you, maybe a break would be what's best for you right now?

I really do have to say, those who are only mildly affected by an illness, probably don't come and seek out a help website, whereas those who are seriously affected would be mroe likely to.

I know what you mean about, and I am not offended. Perhaps a break from RYL in the New Year would be best but not right now because I feel I need RYL. This is because I dont generally do well when I am stuck at my parents house due to lack of public transport and also bad memories at my parents house. Also we arent a close family so my parents usually tend to get on my nerves and I need somewhere to vent.

I did join here when I was more severely effected by the voices and on the wrong medication (both type and dose wise). As you can see I joined a number of years ago. I have suffered with voices for nearly 10 years now, and been SIing for 17 years now. I managed to not SI for 2 years in 2001-2003 but I had the love and support of my (now) ex. Excluding that, this is the longest I have been without SIing, the most is 6 months before now.

[talaiporia]

I think you should try again with Cat's Protection, because you have nothing to lose but time. If you don't like it now, you can stop.

Can I ask what goes on at home that is bad?

[not_so_insig]

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaiporia

Can I ask what goes on at home that is bad?

It's not home, but my parents house. Basically it's sexual abuse memories (I was abused there). I can cope being there short term (like a day) but being there 10 days is different. Which I am due to be. I hate being cooped up, at least with my flat I can either go to town or to the park down the road.

My drinking increases (I have had problems with drinking excessively in the past) whilst I am there, not just because it's Christmas but also as a coping strategy.

[[Awakening]]

Do you have to stay for such a long time? It doesn't sound like a very good idea to stay there for longer than you need to. Now that Christmas is over could you try to make excuses and return home?

The things you're involved in sound really good. Like Sophia said, it would be a good idea to go back to Cat's Protection and see how you get on without that worker being there anymore, you might find you connect with more people.

[MagpieBlues]

I think a lot of people feel like you do, no matter how 'ill' they are. I have been in hospital a couple times recently and medical hospital many times recently and my social worker keeps telling me how ill I am, and yet I still don't feel I am 'ill'. I often feel as though I am faking it, but someone asked me once, well if you're faking it, why don't you stop? When you do x, y, z, why don't you just have a cup of tea, or go to bed, or watch tv instead. And I couldn't really answer it without saying that I didn't feel in control, and they were just like 'well, there you go then - you're not faking are you' and went on to say how often people tell themselves they are faking because then it makes them feel like they have control over a situation they don't have control over.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time staying at your parents, it must be horrible for you having to deal with that. I agree with the above post and maybe make excuses and leave? You could say that you are ill? It doesn't sound like it would be very healthy for you to stay.

[Ballerina123]

I often feel like I don't have any mental health problems at all it just everyone over exagerating (ie my team and family and stuff) so I can certainly understand your feelings.

I have bipolar with psychosis (apparently) and just wanted to let you know your not alone in how you feel.

Sending love.
PM me if you want to talk anytime x

[not_so_insig]

Thanks everyone. I am going to stay probably because I am going home on Wednesday anyway, and my cats at the cattery so it will be lonely without them.

[Poppet6]

I've never really felt like i've got mental health problems, even when I was in hospital, I felt like everyone else did but not me.