So my one confidant, Crystal, has been a good confidant so far. Only problem is she has a very annoying tendency to tell me to quit stressing. I've told her about my depression, anxiety, and self harm over two months ago. Today i was basically having something of a breakdown and i was texting her and she told me to stop stressing and said that it was becoming a cycle. Now, maybe its cause my mom did that too, but seriously! I can't just stop being anxious and stressing at the drop of a hat. She says it like i'm not even trying. Does she think i *want* to feel so desperate that i drive a razor across my leg to try and make the depression and anxious feelings go away? I've cut purely because i was mad at myself for even feeling like this, a lot recently actually. I just hate being told to stop and have it implied that i'm not even trying. Well, news flash, depression makes it hard to even ****ing get out of bed let alone have everything together.
Going to the counseling center is sounding increasingly appealing, but i think they'd have to tell my parents when they find out i self harm...and i want to avoid that because i couldnt handle their bad reaction last time let alone a second time. Ugh...i'd go if only there wasnt the catch that they can either tell on me to my family or send me to a psych ward or both...
it is great that you've felt comfortable enough to talk to her; it must have stung a lot when she said that. i might even feel a bit betrayed. i've got ocd, and get really annoyed when people tell me to "just stop it"... i've come to realize that they say that because they don't understand, not because they are trying to be insensitive. sometimes people feel like they run out of advice as well, and that can be a difficult feeling for them to handle, because they want to help, and sometimes they'll just snap in frustration.
maybe you could work on making some plans for how you will handle feelings so that you avoid cutting. then when you talk to your friend it can be a more productive conversation and less of a rant ish thing. people are often more helpful when we come up with some ideas on our own of how to make things better. for example, when i'm struggling with one of my ocd things, i'll let my friends know how bad i'm feeling, and then i'll tell them how i'm going to try to feel better, or if i don't have any ideas, i'll ask them for some. and then will work really hard to follow through on whatever they or i have suggested... i can tell that you're trying really hard, but your effort will be more effective and more visible to others if you give it a clear direction
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
Going to the counseling center would be a good idea. I know for me at least it's better talking to a neutral party. Is there a confidentiality thing with the counselors there so that they wouldn't have to tell your parents? I hope this helps somewhat.
Passedexpectations: Thanks for the perspective changer. That really helped me see a different perspective on why she might've said that instead of just feeling hurt and upset and mad about it. And on the advice, that's a good idea. I think i'll probably come up with some good, solid advice for myself, post it somewhere in my dorm room where i can see it, and then relay it to her...if nothing else, it can help me help myself and help her help me when i really need it. THanks for the help!
cedarlane17: Yeah that's waht i was thinking; they're better equiped to help me and they're neutral. I've read that they do have a release of information form that, unless the student signs it saying that these specific people can know this exact information they can't reveal anything UNLESS the student or others are in danger. I can't remember the exact wording, i know it applied to like suicide (from teh wording) but it could easily be applied to self harm, too, so i was sketchy on it. I think i'll ask my roomie, she uses the counseling center and might have a better idea as to what their policy is exactly...i'm hoping that, at least, if i tell the my mom blew up at me before about it (though seh's supportive now) they'd at least listen to me and not tell her cause i dont want her involved.
I debated just leaving out the self harm info and saying im going in for anxiety and depression, but then they might not be able to sign me to the best counselor for me and for all i know i'd get in trouble for lying on the consultation. Though the benefit is that perhaps in counseling sessions they're less legally able to give out info. Idk.
I think since you are in the US and im assuming over 18 since you are living in the dorm, they cant really tell anyone you dont want them to tell. Unless you are like suicidal like you said or your SI is life threatening...i could be wrong though, some states are different.
hilariously_sad: Hmm okay. Hopefully that's the case. The way you explained it, i would bet it is. I think i'll ask this one girl i know, she should know more about it cuz she goes to the counseling center on the regular basis.
This is coming from the perspective as a mother...be careful, be safe. If talking to your friend has helped, you might want to tell her that she is helping you by listening and that by her telling you to stop stressing all the time is not helping, but could be pushing you further down the path of depression. I should know on that one, I suffer from depression, but like you I move on and do things that are painful even when I feel like the world is coming in around me.
I believe that coming up with a plan and discussing it is a great idea. What are you good at? What distraction techniques have you tried?
My daughter SH and the only reason that either of the counselors tell me anything is if she is cutting again, and that is because by law they have to. You may be different as you are over 18 and technically no longer under their "parental" control. But do check on going..counseling has been helping my daughter and myself.
Stay strong and try not to let the world come crashing in on you. Take time out for the good things in life and smile, whether you feel like it or not, it helps :)
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"
If you are over the age of 18 than no, a counselor cannot tell anyone anything you say unless you give specific permission or unless you are going to try to kill yourself or someone else. Now, some counselors are not very familiar with SH and can get too overzealous and label it as a suicide attempt and break confidentiality; however, SH is becoming more common in training programs for therapy, so I would hope that most counselors at a college would see the difference. My suggestion would be to call anonymously and ask one of the counselors if confidentiality applies to non-suicidal self injury (NSSI is how the DSM labels it), this way you know for sure before you go in for an appointment. Beginning therapy is scarey enough, you don't need the extra stress and worry about whether or not a counselor will keep your information confidential. Hope this helped!
Enchanted1: Thanks for the comment. =) I think my friend is starting to understand that my anxiety and tendency to stress about things isn't something i can easily control like she can. I talked with her, tried to explain, and referred her to an episode of a tv show we both like that, while completely fictional, i think illustrates very well what i feel. I didnt say how her always telling me to quit stressing made me feel, just emphasized that while she and everyone else can just stop stressing and stop being anxious, supposedly, I can't.
So far as distraction goes, i've done several things. It really depends on the trigger and what's going on and where i am, but several things I've tried help but dont necessarily fix it. I've tried writing things out - i've begun keeping a diary regularly again, i find this helps me sort out my thoughts, and gives me a place to rant if needed. Sometimes I'll get/stay busy with cleaning or doing dishes or laundry or homework or some combination of the above if i'm in the middle of something and its my thinking about one thing or another that triggers me - lately that's been thinking about how its near the end of the semester, which is connected to tons of triggersome things like grades and financial aid and parents getting mad. If i'm in class, bad as this might sound, i tend to start ignoring the lecture and drawing on the side of my notes, cause it relaxes me. If i'm on the computer and no one's available to text, i'll blare music cause if its loud enough it'll drown everything else in my head out...and if im feeling depressed, playing some songs that the bands wrote to help their fans cheers me up a bit. I've also tried hanging out with friends when i'm feeling vulnerable and easily triggered (but not triggered yet, just vulnerable) even if its for something simple like meeting up and studying or going out to lunch. If i'm overwhelmed or anything, sometimes i'll text one of my two friends, too, and talk it out with them.
I've found that keeping up my daily routine and doing things that need done even if i don't want to do them tends to help me when i'm depressed, so i've been trying to do that more. I like writing, too, but i just havent been into that like i normally would be. I'm not sure why either. I've been told that I'm good though. Fangirling over bands is genuinely fun, too, especially when they're awesome and amazing bands that actually care about and interact with their fans. My current favorites are coincidentaly all ones that routinely come out with these awesome and amazing quotes in interviews, on facebook/twitter status updates, in emails/messages/status updates replying to fans, etc.
Anyways this is a long enough reply, lol. Well morelike rant/stream of consciousness instead of a concrete reply. I still have to reply to the one other person who commented, so yeah. Thanks for commenting and talking with me! I really appreciate your encouragement. It means a lot coming from a mother like you. =)
Crunchycrystal: Ahh okay your reply makes me feel tons better. I think i'll definetally do what you suggested and call them anonymously. As it is, i need to call and make an appointment anyways so calling in advance and asking that is a great idea. Thanks! Now i'll at least know in advance and won't be freaking out over every random possibility. =) Added to the end of the semester stress and anxiety i'm already dealing with...well that just wouldn't be good. Thanks again!
Great! When you call, it may help to ask that question to one of the actual counselors, not the intake person. The intake person may not be able to answer the question because they most likely are more of a secretary. I would see if there are any counselors available when you call to ask. Good luck!
No need to appologize for your lengthy reply to my post. Rant aimlessly if you need to, we are here to listen to you. I am but a PM away if you ever want to just rant to one person. My daughter may not be as old as you, but I've been through things in my own life and I have a good understanding of what you are going through now.
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"
