it's been a while for me

[Whichyway]

my name is tink and I used to use this site so much about 5/6 years ago, I made some life long friends on here actually :) but now I find my self back here...

I am now turning 23 and after almost 3 years SI free I have gone back to old ways, I have been under so much stress and pressure recently and have worked my way through it all quite well but now it's all over I have fallen apart. I am now married and have a little girla nd this is not how I imagined being a this stage in my life. I have been back to my GP his honest response was 'I'm suprised you went as long as you did without going back to SI'.

When I had my little girl 2 years ago I came off of all my medication and really didnt notice any difference in the way i felt, I went against my GP's advice and didn't restart the medication when I gave birth to her and right up until now I have been fine.

I don't want the tablets back in my life, I feel like i have proved that the side effects are not worth it if I don't feel any different, but I don't want the way I am feeling now to last for much longer or to get any worse.

I am hiding it from my hubby at the moment...I know this is wrong but we work opposite shifts so rarely see each other at the minute and I am the strong one...I hold everything together, organise us, arrange childcare, arrange social stuff, clean, cook...I like doing all this and he would take it away from me and suffocate me if he knew. He would also make me go back for a psyche review and I am not in a safe enough place to go back through my past right now.

I have talked to friends about how I am feeling, and mainly I feel guilt about having this as a secret. I have not done anything dangerous and am not losing my mind like I used to, i'm just feeling seriously low at times :(

Don't know what I want out of this thread, i guess I feel kinda safe being back on here :/

[sapphire hearts]

Hey hun *cuddles* if being here makes you feel safe that's great.

If you don't want meds, that's fine, but maybe some talk therapy would help? I understand how painful and irritating going back through the process again can be, having to explain your history to someone new, but if you're seriously feeling so low maybe it would help?

It's good that you have friends around that you can talk to, but maybe if you explained to your husband what you need, that you don't want to be suffocated, it could alleviate the guilty secret feelings and let you focus on what's really up.

Hope you feel better soon honey, PM me if you'd like to talk :)
Katie xx

[Whichyway]

Thanks Katie, I think I know that I am going to have to do something, I care too much about my family to let it get any worse :( i just can't believe I am back in this place again, i though I could remember what it was like, I always said I would never forget, but I did forget. I was reading beck through my journal yesterday and realised it is almost 4 years since my last relapse began and from what I wrote I felt just like I do now.

I cannot confide in my husband just yet. I have two weeks holiday from work starting on Monday and I am going to make it my project for those weeks to get the ball rolling in sorting myself out as I have no other plans and if I don't have a goal then I will get a lot worse in that time as I will just think all the time. I have no reason to feel this bad at the minute. It is frustrating me :( xx

[sapphire hearts]

Relapses are common and understandable, but they do suck, I know. I'm in the middle of one myself and I had forgotten quite how low it can get, so I understand how frustrating this is for you. *hugs*

Well done on setting a goal to get yourself in a better place, that's a first step that can be really hard to take. I understand if you don't want to confide in your husband yet, but I do think, especially if your recovery is going to take some time, you will have to let him know eventually.

Take care of yourself hun
Katie xxx