You wouldn't know difficulties if they danced naked in front of you wearing Dobby's tea cosy [which I've always thought to be a silly metaphor, as one would not longer be naked once clad in a teacosy]. Neither would I, but I accept and admit to that.
You are a whiny troll and it's kind of annoying. Stop making up silly problems because it's getting old.
I really don't find it easy at work being around you, at work, being a secret depressive, carrying on like I do, while trying to prevent you from having breakdowns in the cupboard. That long text today infuriated me, and triggered me, and I wrote back some advice and got nothing back. I am well aware you only asked how I am so I would reply with "fine" and ask you in return and you could send me a lecture on how shit you feel. I feel I have supported you the best I can, I feel like I repeat myself. I feel bad for you because others at work are getting cross/frustrated/feel under managed, and I just feel that I want to shout "IM FUCKING DEPRESSED TOO!" but I don't.
"If only everyone could know and live with their inner craziness…people would be fairer and happier." Paulo Coelho
You make me so angry and I don't even know why I feel guilty for being angry because you have hurt me badly in the past. You have said and done some god awful things but I have always tried to look past it! I'm fed up now and I just want you to fuck off!
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
I loathed your texts, it was just frivolous shit and copious amounts of somewhat peronal questions. But, now you haven't text me in a week and afraid I've done something very wrong, I don't particularly care for you but I need you to text me. For some fucked up reason I need you to text so I can bitch about you texting me. Ughh, text me nonsense, you twonk, don't abandon me just yet.
Urges are godawful and it's only two weeks in.
This degree was a fucking mistake.
I've never before been in a position where I genuinely can't self harm when I need to.
Fuck.
And reading this back I'm like o_O Lydia will legit hate me 'cos I've done ALL the swearing :'(
Coming in from the perfect day to a bitchy note telling me I need to clean the house (I left the house clean two days ago, I've not fucking been here) is not appreciated. I'm going to sit and watch TBL and trigger the fuck out of myself because it's a lot easier to feel like a fat cow than a worthless scivvy like you obviously think I am. You're not the only one who isn't well, you know? I'm so damn worried about this bruising: we counted 23 this morning, some are really deep - please remember that I can't do all the things on all the days, no matter how much I want to. Please start respecting me again, I know I've done nothing wrong.
---
You wonder why I spend so much time at Boo's, why I love spending time there with Mama S. it's because she sticks to her word, she respects me and I feel that she actually wants to spend time with me. I know I idealised us all moving in together, but this is nothing like you promised. I am unhappy in this household at the moment and wish I could just be at my old house with just my Dad and you in your house. But that can't happen, I just want things to get better again, but I don't know how because I'm sticking to all agreement we made, pulling my weight and doing what's asked of me. Mama S gave me a 'goodnight, love you' last night and the only thing I feel you think about me is that I'm a waste of space.
---
Thank you for showing me everything I needed to see when life had blindfolded me. I love you so much.
Now I'll play your ghost as my ace, whenever I'm led astray.
But I am actually good, can't help it if we're tilted.
I'm in my right place, don't be a downer.
Shut up.
He's FINE.
He's not retaining water.
His arms were swollen from the tight arm sleeves.
Not the other way around.
So what if he's cold.
He's awake.
He's talking.
He's not hurting more than he should.
He's FINE.
He's not dying.
He's FINE.
Giving up doesn't always mean you're weak.
Sometimes it just means you're strong enough to let go.
To my non-RYL internet friend: We've never met in person, and we've only talked maybe two or three times this year, but I've noticed your little countdown statuses on Facebook. I've also noticed that the countdown hit zero this morning. So by now I'm assuming you're married. My sincerest and heartiest congratulations to you and your new wife. I wish you both a lifetime of happiness.
Wishing you the safest possible journey into the world today, little one. Be as good as you can for your mama, she's a good one. Aunty Marie loves you very much, though she may not be able to tell you herself, but she does. Today is the day; please be safe.
Now I'll play your ghost as my ace, whenever I'm led astray.
But I am actually good, can't help it if we're tilted.
I'm in my right place, don't be a downer.
Dear student, if you are having problems logging in to Moodle, please visit the library by 11am today.
WHAAAAAAAAT?! No! Fuck you! You tell me this NOW?! On a day when I really and truly do have more important shit to do than college?! When it's TOO FUCKING LATE for me to get there on time anyway?! FUCK YOU!
I'm proud of you, my Baby Monkey. I know it's hard for you to admit when you need someone. I'll always be here.
Now I'll play your ghost as my ace, whenever I'm led astray.
But I am actually good, can't help it if we're tilted.
I'm in my right place, don't be a downer.
Half an hour until class. Here comes the panic attack. Keep breathing Lana, everything is going to be ok.
<3
In other news... I don't know what the cops can legally do to children throwing lit fireworks into traffic and at passersby and into people's backyards, but I hope you little shits get everything that's coming to you. I'd sleep better knowing they'd taken you home to your parents and that they'd beaten some sense into you than knowing you'd caused a ten car pile-up with no survivors, or that you'd blown a hole in some poor bastard's face, just because you got bored after school.
You took the only thing that helped me away from me. I know you thought it was for the best but if knew what was good for me I wouldn't be like this. You thought that I shouldn't express my feelings, that i should bottle them up and talk to a stranger instead of my friends. I just wish you listen to me on what I want not what YOU want. You don't know how it feels to pick up a razor and just cut and cut and cut until im numb. you dont know. but you act like you do. i cant stand it when you hug me and ask me "doesn't life feel like living now?" you just cant get rid of these feelings in one stupid fucking therapy session. But that's all you gave me. one session. these things are back now and they will never go away and i HATE you for that
my people had a saying long ago: “the healer has the bloodiest hands.” you cannot treat a wound without knowing how deep it goes. you cannot heal pain by hiding it. you must accept. accept the blood to make things better.
"A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'"
Why does what you did to me have to effect everything in my life. No matter where I go I can't escape being reminded of it. You broke me. It kills me that you get to carry on whilst I sit here in pieces
Hush, little baby, drink your spoiled milk
I'm crazy, need my prescription filled
Do you like my cookies? They're made just for you
A little bit of sugar, but lots of poison, too
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