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The ones who hope are the ones who know despair
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Arkansas, USA
I am currently:  
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Confessions
Right now, I just feel like I need to type this out... Before I even start, I must say that these feelings are extremely bare and very raw. Normally I shut these words in my head and keep everything inside, ever since I hurt someone very dear to me. But then I just need to vent sometimes, and since I really don't wanna hurt anyone when I vent, I feel this is somewhat of a 'safe zone' because I'm not really looking for an answer right now. I just need to type this out.
Before I even start this, I am a recovering self injurer and struggling Bulimic. I have gone almost 16 months without cutting myself, and I've gone about a month without any Bulimic act. It's really hard to post about my Bulimic actions seeing as though I've not even told my closest friends about this...
Okay, I have a struggled relationship with food, due to bullying and abuse. I feel weak and stupid for even thinking about that, but... It's there. I probably would not tell a therapist about it, simply because of my weight and I feel like there's another girl out there, much thinner then I, that could use that help much more then I could. I weigh in the high houndreds, which is not 'normal' for someone with an eating problem. I have to admit that because I've never told a therapist about this problem, I've not been diagnosed, and actually do not even fit under the qualifications for Bulimia, but I fit under EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified), due to the fact that I do have tendencies. I have the thoughts of an Eating Disorder patient though. I have panic attacks at the thought of having to try on clothes, or even the thought of clothes shopping. I start to freak out when I realise how much I've eaten/plan to eat. I constantly over criticise myself and my weight--all the time. Sometimes, I go to the lengths of lying to get out of a meal or get the opportunity to purge what I've already eaten. I think about overdosing on things like ibuprofen, just to get the nausea and sickness, so I might lose a few pounds. I like being sick, because I never want to eat during those times.
I've never told a therapist about any of that, and I have no plans to. So far, I've not fallen to any eating disorder, and have actually thought about exercising like a normally person and getting healthy, normally--because I've analysed eating disorders up and down. I know how dangerous they are and all of their risks.
But, for some reason, right now, at this moment, I'm having problems. I want to just go and purge up everything and hurt myself over and over. I'm not even sure what triggered these feelings. I hate these feelings, obviously, and I am fighting them.
I don't even know if people understand this very thoroughly as I do, but this is a daily battle. I have to fight the urge to hurt myself every time I get upset, even over the small, stupid things. I have to force myself to eat every mealtime. I have to focus on something else to I don't go purge my meal afterwards. It's a constant battle. I think I spend more time fight my own mind then I do doing anything else.
I don't mope in my own shadow anymore though. Now I distract myself when I get upset or start urging to act on anything my mind wants me to do. I will watch anime, write, roleplay, draw, play a game, read.... Anything to distract myself. Currently, I'm also not on any medications. It's not 'getting better' with medications. Medications help you avoid it, in my opinion. One you are off those medications, then the problem is back. That's not a permanent solution. That's like a bandaid over a wound that needs stitches. It takes longer to heal and when it is healed, there's a deeper scar then if it was attended to how it should have been.
Right now, I am typing this to distract myself from my thoughts. It's honestly working well. I was quite upset when I started this. Now I've calmed down. I'm glad I decided to type this. I really am.
I don't even know if any of you read all of these, but if you have and you are a struggling self injurer, suffering from an eating disorder or mental illness, I am willing to help you if you need it. I am not sure how concise my advice may be, or if whatever I do will work for you, but it's worth the try. I feel better helping others, because I know that I'm trying to make a change.
I know a lot about all of the problems I've mentioned and I know methods to fix them and methods to avoid them. I know the risks of eating disorders and self injury. I am very aware of all of the problems I have, and honestly I will admit that I probably over analysed them. If you are compelled to respond to this, please do not tell me to go visit a therapist, because I honestly feel like my own healing is working better then any therapist. In fact, I actually had a relapse one over a therapy visit. that's just not my cup of tea. I have a therapist now and she and I communicate like friends, which is what I need. If she was anything else to me, I wouldn't be so comfortable with her.
I'm pretty much done typing now, and I apologise for even typing this all out, and apologise twice over if you actually read this all. I'm not looking for sympathy or help, I just needed a rant or two, I guess. I'm perfectly okay with input, as long as it's not negative. If you have anything you need to share as well, I'm all ears ^^
I feel like I typed this very coldly because the way I'm reading it as I type it is extremely monotone right now, so... I apologise if it comes off as anything that I didn't intend it to be.
~Bri.
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