Some of you may have seen my post from awhile ago, but I think I'm really on the edge and this is why...
I was walking on a college campus in a small city nearwhere I live, and two guys grabbed me. They put a knife to my back and toldthem to not say anything and to follow them. They brought me to an empty dormroom building and told me to go up the stairs to the top level. I startedrunning up but half way through I fell and when they caught up they startedkicking me and yelling at me to get up. They grabbed me and threw me onto thestairs until I started walking again. When I got to the top they ripped off myclothes and pushed me to the ground. They hit me and kicked me and forced me todrink beer by shoving bottles in my mouth. One of the men had a hold of my headand shoulders and had a knife held to my throat and told me if I screamed hewould kill me. The other man started taking off his pants. He forced himself onme and raped me over and over again. He made me tell him he was good and that Iliked it. Then they switched places. I started to struggle back a little bitand they cut my legs and stomach with their knives. Then they brought me intoone of the open rooms and made me lay on the bed. They forced me to give themoral sex but they wouldn't let me breathe. They held it in for so long that Istarted getting dizzy and light headed and I blacked out. When I woke up theyhad a laptop and they made me watch porn movies and then reenact them with bothof them. It hurt so bad and I was bleeding and I had cuts all over from theirknives and I couldn't see out of my right eye very well because they had hitme. Then they called their friends and they just all stood waiting in line...while one at a time they had their go with me, and sometimes two at once. Oreven three. They overpowered me so easily. I was just helpless. The guys had mefor almost the entire day before they just left me lying on the floor.
I just don't think I can do it anymore. My parents saw some of my injuries and made me go to the hospital, but I just haven't said anything. For a couple weeks... I haven't said a word. I can't come up with the courage to tell them what happened, even though I think the doctors got a pretty good idea. The flashbacks, nightmares, and the pain of my injuries and memories haunt me every single minute of every day, and I think today I'm going to make it end. I can't handle everything anymore.
I am so sorry to hear this has happened to you. It is so unfair and you don't deserve it at all. You also don't need to suffer in silence though. I know that speaking out can be really tough about these things, so I applaud your courage in posting here. I hope it has helped at least a little to type it out and share with us how you're feeling.
The pan certainly sounds very intense right now. Do you think there is anyone you'd be comfortable in telling? Verbalising things can sometimes be really tough, have you considered writing to someone close to you about what happened? Perhaps you can show a counsellor what you've written here, and they can spend some time helping you cope with how you're feeling.
Please don't give up. There is help out there, maybe even if you spoke to a helpline anonymously? The injuries will heal and the mental scars, the nightmares and the flashbacks can all be worked with and dealt with. I'm not saying it is easy, but it is possible, and you deserve a chance at the rest of your life. Please, reach out, reach out to someone who is trained to help, or to your parents who can support you and share their love for you.
You deserve to get through this, what you've gone through is terrible but with support you can get your life back.
Please, keep talking with us, we are here for you xxxxxx
P.S. If today is the day, please especially do keep reaching out and talking, but also consider going to your local emergency department/A&E at your hosptal and tell them how much emotional and physical pain you are in. They will have someone there who can talk to you about the crisis state you're in right now.
I can't tell you how sorry I am this happened to you, it's disgusting what they did to you, I'm sending gentle hugs your way, and lots of love and strength and hope, I'm useless with words right now but I am here and listening.
Hunni, what has happened to you is nothing short of fucking terrible. And i really do understand why you wish to end it all. I think i would too. But i do sincerely hope that you come back here to read the replies to your post, and that together we can help you through this.
My heart goes out to you because i can imagine how lonely and scared you must be feeling right now. I really hope you can find the strength within you to reach out to someone who's physically close to you and let them know what happened. To not suffer in silence anymore because i am sure your loved ones would do their utmost to comfort you, hold you and try to help you feel safe.
I really hope you'll come back here before you decide to end it all. If you died now it would be such a tragic end to this. To survive a brutal attack only to die shortly after, it would be such a waste of life. Right now it probably feels like you'll never live through it, but i assure you that you can. But in order to survive you need to let someone known what has happened to you. And you need to let people take care of you for a while.
Don't just say nothing and suffer in silence. Reach out. To us, to your family, to your friends, anybody who can hold your hand and support you through this terrible ordeal.
You have done nothing wrong, remember that. The people who did this to you were sick, cruel bastards and they are the ones who deserve to be punished. Not you!!!
Please reach out to someone. You cam pm me if you want.
today isn't the day to die. today is the day to speak up, give someone this post, and try to start moving on. and if you don't do that today, then tomorrow will be the day. or the day after.
you DID NOT deserve what happened. and you don't deserve to go through this alone and keep this a huge secret. and the guys who did that to you deserve to be punished. it sounds like people close to you have probably already guessed what happened. they are probably super concerned. all you would have to do is print out this thread. if you don't want them to see your username, copy and paste what you wrote into a word document and print out that.
you are strong. you made it through that horrible night. but no one would be able to handle constantly reliving it. that memory limbo, it is horrible. so you need to tell someone who can help you. you were very brave to tell us what happened, but there is only so much that our words can do. you can be brave and tell someone in real life.
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
I am so sorry that this happened to you. It's unfair and cruel and should not happen to anyone. But please don't suffer in silence with this. I can understand why you feel so close to the edge now, you can talk to your doctor or a therapist about what happened. Keeping it locked away will only make it build up and hurt even more. There's always people on here who can help and support you and to talk to, including me. Feel free to pm me anytime if you need too.
I'm thinking of you hun, and I really do hope things start to look up from here. Stay strong.
Georgia xxx
I didn't do it. Not today at least. I've read and reread all your comments multiple times. I feel like for the first time since everything happened that someone was looking out for me. I still don't think I can speak out though. I just don't know what to do. They have their suspicions already because they made the doctors find all my injuries, and because I wake up screaming in the middle of the night, but I'm so ashamed. What if it was my fault? I lured them in somehow. I didn't fight back hard enough. I let them keep going for hours and hours. By the end I didn't even try to stop them anymore. I was too exhausted. I can't tell my family that I allowed this to happen to me.
I can't get up the courage to leave my house either. My room even. They are still out there and they could find me again. I live in constant fear, which is what makes me not want to live anymore. I don't have a plan yet, but it's constantly on my mind. I relive moments from that day when I'm triggered by little things around my house even. I don't know how I can continue on like this.
I've started using cutting as a way to make my flashbacks stop sooner. The pain brings me back to the present as opposed to being thrust into the past. I can't get myself to stop. I'm just miserable all the time. Those guys don't give a crap about me, and they won't know whether I'm alive or not. At least if i weren't I wouldn't be living with the memories... and the constant reminders and flashbacks.
