Trying to find the words is hard so i'll jump straight in,i've been wanting to Od for a week now,the thoughts are getting louder,i took a small Od last weekend and i'm thinking the same again,but a much larger one this time,not sure if its death or just peace i'm craving,i chemically burn as self harm,and its left me disfigured,i'm disgusted by it but do i want to die,my head is filled with so many things,the abuse as a child,the lost childhood,the loss of my grandad who protected me from the worst of it,my daughter and am i just as bad self harm and Od isn't that as bad as i can't even say the word i'm stuck,frozen,just tired and fed up of being the strong one,even today may girls gerbil died,and all i could think was i can't Od now,i'm selfish and evil i deserve to be hurt to be punished,thinks thats it my minds made up. Thanks for listening
I'm really sorry you're struggling so much and that you had to go through so much as a child. Maybe you just need to talk to someone about what's going through your mind. Perhaps seeing your GP would help? Or just a friend, to say how your feeling. It really helps sometimes! I hope things improve for you real soon, but for now I send you lots of hugs xx
do you have any reasons that you don't want to die? perhaps you could write about or find images to represent those and tape them up somewhere visible as reminders.
there are other things you can do to get peace besides taking an OD. can you think of any? if you enjoy spending time with your daughter, maybe you could plan something to do with her over the weekend that you would both enjoy.
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
Hi and thanks for your replies,my Gp does know,so does the pysch and the Cpn,but i find it hard to talk to wade through the crap and hurting myself is easier if that makes sense.
As for reasons not to die,my daughter for one,your idea is a good one i'm gonna try to make a memory box this weekend,and fill it with happy memories,so thank you for that it'll keep me occupied and my mind from wandering.
As for other things to get peace,there is nothing postive,just burning,which is sad,but thats how i am at present.
The Cpn suggested the same thing spending time with my daughter,i've asked but she's not keen,to see a movie or even watch a dvd,she's really down at the moment too mainly cause of her gerbil and she's waiting for her GCSE results,so spends most of her time on the laptop,but that's teenagers for you.
As i said i have that memory box to get started on,so i'll do that and take it from there.
Hey, I'm sorry to hear how bad things are right now. Do your CPN/etc. know just how bad things are, ie. with the chemical burns and ODing?
Both of those methods are very dangerous forms of self harm, and I wondered if there were any harm minimization techniques you could employ; either methods for avoiding self harm, or less dangerous forms of self harm.
Do you know what the triggers are for you burning and ODing? Perhaps it would help to identify the feelings/triggers so that you could try to avoid them.
Does your daughter know about things being bad, or do you keep it from her?
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
Thanks for your reply,as for them knowing how bad my self harm has got,i'd say my cpn,gp pysch do know,i was in the burns unit in june getting grafted so they know how serious it can be,as for the Od i'm not so sure,they know i have the thoughts and feel like taking an Od,as for how serious the risk is i'm not sure.
Anything can set me off an arguement with my daughter can lead me to self harm as i don't feel good enough to be her mum,tonight the wanting to Od is strong,but it could be down to my arm not looking so good,and i'm scared cause it means a trip to the gp,and its pot luck who you get as an same day appt.
Started on my memory box,but it caused rows cause i needed her help,so fuck it,done the pictures,just can't be bothered there's no point.
My cpn wants to go through a crisis plan with me on tuesday,maybe that'll help,i know my behaviour is dangerous,i am a risk but right now couldn't care less if i woke in the morning,my head is like an express train never stops,nothing is helping i just cling on for her sake,but its not living.
Also found out a girl i knew from another forum has died,she was doing so good last time i heard and to see that just brought home how fraglie life is,felt jealous she'd succeded and i didn't/haven't,how sick is that?
What's the point? You try your best,you call for help,to be told tomorrow,might not be here tomorrow that's the point,i don't want to take those pills,but a part of me wants to.
The reasons stopping me now;
My beautiful daughter
I've never used these pills before,(the unknown i suppose)
"The offer of help tomorrow"
Distract is all i ever get,you know what to do
I'm scared,i feel physcially shit,as well as emotionally,
Recovering from grafts is harder then i ever thought
A, C - Section is easier to recover from
I'm tired,tired of fighting,saying the same things over and over
I'm tired of hurting myself,yet i can't stop
Hi. Sorry it's taken a while to reply.
It sounds like your self harm has reached the point where there is a real risk of serious harm, as well as the overdosing.
I hope that you are safe right now, but if not please go to A&E. I'm very worried about you. Please don't take the pills.
On a seperate note, has the self harm been at this level for a while, or did something make it escalate recently?
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
That's ok xx
My self harm has reached the point of being serious,my pysch says its severe but i don't see that,is that wrong?
I wanted to do the outpatient at the Maudsley unit in sth london,but "unseen people" want the inpatient at the Bethlem unit also at sth london,they call me a severe case of self harm,WHY? only been admitted once to Chelsea & Westminster for grafting,is it cause i keep quite,treat myself,only asking for help if i have too.
I haven't taken the pills as of yet,i'm still fighting not too,drinking helps,helps me be more dumbed down added to the pysch meds,i'm completley dumbed and numbed.
I can't say about a+e,but i will call or text the sams if i feel even worse.
Anniversary's thats whats made it tougher,made my self harm worse,not an excuse or even a valid reason,but thats how it is atm.
Thanks for listening,repliyng,caring,hope your ok xx
I think it's very easy to convince ourselves that it's not as bad as it is.
Grafting is very serious; you have harmed yourself to the point where you have need major medical intervention.
I think both options sound good; do you know if/when they might happen?
Please don't take the pills. I know you have your daughter there, you don't want her to find you, do you?
I am sorry to hear about the anniversary. Anniversaries are tough, but they do pass. I know that's not a lot of comfort right now.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
That's exactly what the pysch said about convinceing myself but he put as being in denial.
I'd prefer the outpatient unit but as i'm deemed a risk,not gonna happen,there trying a Touchstone Programme first,to reallly assess me its done over two days over two hours so pretty heavy stuff if i'm accepted i can do that,as an outpatient over two or three days depending on their findings,but i'd rather head straight for the outpatient at the Maudsley,i sort of know deep down i do need real intense hep for my self harm.
I'm trying so hard not to take the pills,i don't want my girl to find me,she did once,that was bad enough,so i'm doing all i can to resist.
Anninversies are tough but too have so many in such a short space of time,is horrendous,atm i can't see it gettin any better,but i do have a little spark of hope inside of me and i'm clinging on like mad,to that little spark.
There are always people worse, and always not worse, so we often see ourselves more towards the middle, regardless of where we are on the spectrum (people do it with money/social class too).
At the same time, you can't let yourself acknowledge how bad things are because that means admitting how much of a problem it is - and that you need to do something about it.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
You hit the nail on the head so to speak,admitting there is a problem means dealing with it,me I'd rather run away,bury my head in the sand,even hit the self destruct button than admit there is and I have a problem. Take today I knew I needed medical advice/help I did but I punished myself for seeking that help,I started drinking vodka,overeating,can't burn unless I use my feet,can't Od my daughter,so I drink knowing I shouldn't with the meds I take.like I said I accept help then I screw up,don't know how to change,may want to that spark inside of me does,but can it win?
There's only so long running away works for. Sooner or later you have to stop running and face this, head on.
You do not deserve to be punished for getting help; getting help is commendable.
Do you know what's happening regarding the hospitals?
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
I know that,and that's scary faceing up,dealing with,I try but always end up punishing,its how I am,I don't deserve good things inculding help.
As for the hospitals,I just have to wait,my assessment for the Touchstone Programme isn't till mid oct,nothing can be done till then its their assessment thar dertmines where I go.
Failing that I could in theory put in a general pysch ward if they deem too mucch of a risk,but they also think of my daughter,so there doing all they can to keep me at home.
Went to burns clinic today,was told i'm healing well,only have one small dressing,so thats good right?
So why do i feel so shit so torn,the burns pyschloist spoke to me,things awoke in my head and its away we go,counselling service rang its restarting next tuesday,had to break due to appointment clashes,even more stuff was woke,abuse stuff.
It seems i have two teams trying to look after me,both trying to keep me out of hospital,torn its how i feel.
To top it all tax credits are stopping cause my girl is 16,it will restart,got three weeks then nothing for x amount of weeks,council needs telling.
Seeing my gp re medical report tomorrow eveing my employers asked for one.
Too much in my head,feels as if i will explode all thats keeping me sane is the meds,keeping the lid on.
Texted my cpn won't get a reply till tomorrow,so probably drink myself into obilvion tonight,just to give my head a rest a break.
Want my head to shut up,not deal with all the above and more,got to do a harm minimalaztion for the burns pyscholist.
Who would look after your daughter while you were in hospital? Or would she be okay on her own? I understand why they're trying to keep you out of hospital, but if you need it to stay safe, then it would be worth it, wouldn't it?
I'm glad that you're healing well. But healing is difficult, and I hope you manage to keep safe.
Do you keep a journal? I know it sounds stupid, but sometimes it helps to get the thoughts out and on paper.
Harm minimalization sounds like a good idea; have you any thoughts on that?
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
My daughter would stay by herself,or with her friend and her family.
They don't want me in hospital,because in their eyes it wouldn't help,plus i wouldn't go,last time i was admitted i got raped by another patient,they know this so doing all they can the next step would be the Home Treatment Team,could still happen,all i need to do is pick up the phone or go to a+e and ask for extra support,right now the vodka bottle seems the best safest solution tonight.
Thank you for acknowledging that healing is difficult,all i hear is its healing well your doing such a great job,no one except from the pyscolist know how hard it really is,i'm doing all i can to stay safe hence the drink,might sound crazy but its the safest option.
Just started keeping a journal on here stumbled across the thread and thought why not.
The Harm Mininmalization stuff she wants me to involes why when how,why i do it,how i do it,when i do it,how much control i have over the self harm,whether drink makes the self harm worse,when,how to seek help,what to look out for re infections,how to care for burns when to seek med help,know the diffference between the different stages of burns,i could go on,but thats the jist of it.
She knows at the moment i can't stop,but she wants to keep me out of the Chelsea & Westminster and away from grafting,which is nice in a wierd way,its hard for me to let people care but i feel safe with her,as with my cpn and pysch.
I'm gonna go and rest up its been a tiring day,not helped by the vodka,thx for replying xx
Oh honey, that's awful. I am so sorry that happened. HTT sounds like it may be helpful; at least, it can't hurt. Do you think you would be able to ask for it?
Healing is always going to be difficult. It doesn't mean that it hasn't happened, but sometimes it feels like that, that if the injury/scar is gone, the incident that triggered it is forgotten, and you're "cured", which isn't the case. But, regardless, you really don't want to be going to the burns clinic all the time; burns are awful, and they're awful as they heal, and they're awful scars. Even one less burn is a blessing, so please try to fight it when you can.
If drinking keeps you safe, and minimises harm, I'm not going to bash it. But do be careful. It can make things worse, as I'm sure you know.
Good luck with the journal.
Oh right, well the harm minimalization stuff sounds like it could be very helpful. Keeping you out of C&W is good, as long as it's not putting you in serious danger.
I hope you're safe tonight, take care.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
Think I will ask for HTT,need someone keeping an eye on me,cpn,duty is 9_5 mon _fri,I'll ask her tomorrow if she gets back to me.
I don't want to keep going to the burns clinic,most of the burns have been superfical,not much scarring,yet the lot that landed me in C &W were bad and have left horrible scars,a constant reminder of why.
Thx for not bashing me re the drink,I know it could quickly turn yet for my safety its the best option bar phoning crisis who'll tell me to get to a+e,moblity wise I'm limited,can't be doing with the explaining.
I've decided to drink to keep safe,cause I want to be safe,I want to be there when my girl gets her GCSE results,I don't want to be this way torn & stuck. I want to be ok.
