You know I'm so much younger than you are, you know I'm still young. I'm still little, I was big, but now I'm not. Almost kept up with everyone else. Didn't.
Why did you do it? Why did you like younger kids huh? Don't have the body of the girls your age. I want to hate you, I really do. I don't even remember who you are, fully,though. You're somewhere, but your face has lost the connection to the memories. I think that's a good thing. Probably will never see you again, but if I do then no one gets too upset over things that happened years ago. It's 2010 now, right?
And yet, I'm still hurt. I still don't trust boys none, still have trouble with most people getting close, don't want to get into a pool again. Summer's gonna suck this year ain't it?
And, it's all your fault.
How many other people have you done this to? Just me? Or did you become that old guy who tries to pick up high schoolers?
There are so many more letters we could be writing.
I think I've used the last bit of trying to not be 10 still.
Goodnight.
Last edited by 001100111 : 15-11-2010 at 01:27 AM.
Reason: bit, not big.
Dear J,
You've confused me in so many ways. I just wish I had listened to my sister from the start when she told me you was an ********. I thought you was sooo cool, and couldn't beleive in a million years that someone like you was interested in someone like me. Its not antil it was too late that I found out that you had already been to prison on remand for doing the same to other young girls when you went to court you got away with that too didn't you! I bet you walked out there laughing. Even if I had of known before I wouldn't of beleived it because I thought the sun shined out of your ****ing arse!
You left me in so much pain! Just wanting to die, I still do when I think about the shame and embarrasment you've caused me. Then to tell all my friends that you slept with me! Why don't you show them the video and see if they all think you're cool then. They ask me all the time what went on that night! I finally told the girls and they wasn't even suprised! You've made me hate them too for knowing what you was like and still taking me round there, they didn't know exactly what went on before but they had an idea and still come to your partys!
I heard that you spiked the girls at new year but you didn't do anything to them, you and a couple of your scummy pals. I bet they've seen the video and I bet they think your cool and funny too, because they're the same as you are.
I don't remember who else was in the room with you that night. As the months are passing I'm remembering more I think I know who it was but I just can't be sure. Was it your dad? You kicked everybody else out i heard. You think you're a big man but you wasn't the next day when you was begging me not to tell you know who because you know he'd kill you! Well he knows, remember when he chased you half a mile well thats why!. I just don't want him to come hurt you I don't know why because you deserve it.
I hate myself for still feeling sorry for you. I remember feel sorry for you before when you was telling me your little sob story about when you got stabbed 6 times. I can imagen the reason why, but still when i think of you crying and scared I feel bad and sorry for you. You didn't care when i was crying and scared. Why couldn't you have that empathy for me?
I just wish i understood.
"I don't wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence. The quiet scares me because it screams the truth. Please don't tell me we had that conversation; I won't remember, save your breath cos whats the use?"
God has forgiven you so who I am not to?
I don't have anything else to say. I am a robot. No emotions, just saying what everyone wants to hear. Smiling and breathing...
I've accepted what you did and right now I probably actually do forgive you.
(Didn't stop it hurting though)
What have I ever done to you? It's. Not. Fair. It's not fair, but then nothing is, you double standarding *** ** * ****. Cause I'm always the imperfect one. Cause you are flawless, perfect.
Damn you.
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
-Carl Zwanzig
Dear Mum,
Why do you always play the victim? I wish you didn’t pretend you loved me. It’s clear you don’t and haven’t for a long time. If you love someone you don’t emotionally manipulate and blackmail them. You don’t physically hurt them. You don’t make them feel so scared of you that they daren’t cry in front of you. I have never intentionally hurt you. I always seek to please you and make you happy, to my own demise. You have hurt me so much Mum. I want to forgive you and love you like a daughter should love her mother but I’m still so scared of you. I’m scared to be alone in the same room as you in case you hit me. I’m scared to be at home. Why would I want to spend time at home when the situation is like it is? You told me many times that my ‘home’ was your house, not mine. You clearly wanted me out and now you have what you want. Yet you are still trying to manipulate me into feeling guilty for not wanting to spend time with you. I am only staying away to protect myself and to preserve any sense of relationship we have left. I’m so tired of trying to please you. I’m tired of feeling guilty for not getting on with you; for feeling I’m a failure. Because of your emotional abuse towards me as a child my self esteem is shattered and I believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with me. I believe that I am bad and that God can’t forgive me as he would someone else. I live with guilt and flashbacks from the past; from the involvement of social services; from you grabbing hold of my wrists in order to hit me. Every time I think I’ve forgiven you and moved on I get another text from you and that feeling of fear comes over me once again. I have decided that I won’t come home without Paul there beside me anymore. When we get married my commitment will be to him first. I’m scared that if I have children you will hurt them like you hurt me, perhaps to punish me further for being bad? I don’t know what to do. I have made progress, it hurts less to think about the past, but I want you to know that because of you I have struggled with depression, self harm and an eating disorder for 10 years and I have spent the last 5 in therapy trying to make sense of what you did to me. You hurt me Mum. I felt so guilty, but I have learned that you were the adult, I was just a child. It was your responsibility to look after me and you failed to do that. I just wish you could acknowledge what you did.
'I love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, in whom I take refuge, my sheild and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.'
Psalm 18:1-2
How could you? I really believed you loved me. You were my world. I felt loved for the first time in my life by you. You knew I am a Christian. You knew my faith was of utmost importance to me. You knew I wanted to save sex for marriage. Why did you push me? That night I had told your friend that we hadn’t slept together. I was so proud. You were there. You KNEW how I felt. How could you? You got into bed with me, put on that condom then raped me. You STOLE my virginity. I can never get that back. I’m getting married next year and my fiancé is a virgin and thanks to you I can never offer him what he can offer me. I am tainted. I am stained. I felt such immense guilt. I feel such shame thinking about it all. I have struggled with flashbacks for years. Paul can barely touch me without me having a flashback of that night. How could you? Why did you push me?
'I love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, in whom I take refuge, my sheild and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.'
Psalm 18:1-2
I know you are a sociopath. you will betray everyone around you and you will be left rotting in the filth of your creation. others are starting to wake up to it as well, i can tell. just bidding my time.. bidding my time. you are a criminal, without conscience. unfortunately a year on and i still am in ptsd's grasp, but i know one day ill get through this. because i am a good person, and ive gone through so much worse then this. i was just very unlucky to have met you and your cronies. its a shame that you will never understand what it truly means to be betrayed, or you would not do it over and over again. your world grows smaller and smaller until all you have left are your well placed lies. its pathetic. i wish i could pity you but instead i just look on, with mild curiosity. how strange that despite the corpses surrounding you you feel yourself to be the ultimate victim.
I never call you that anymore. I don't know how I feel towards you, really, just know that I want to distance myself from you.
But you're always there. You haunt me. Sometimes it feels like we're stuck in your kingdom, just you and me, and that there's no way out. I'm always on my knees, stuck under your rule.
I get so determined to break free, to not live the kind of life you led... to treat people with respect, to hold the love in my heart and the people in my mind. But somehow, your hatred lives on through me. I don't know how to let go. I feel tormented by you, like I'm a ghost living some kind of half-life. Is this what you wanted for me? It tends to feel so deliberate; like you really wanted to destroy me. It's not that hard to imagine, as I've never known anyone so cruel and manipulative as you are... although I think it's possibly more likely that you just didn't think at all. You're just selfish, deluded perhaps even.
I want myself back, but I never even got old enough to have a sense of 'self' before you ripped it away. I've been to places, spent years in places that are paralysing and filled with terror. I wish you could go there, in the capacity of something other than some kind of god.
I began this letter with the intention of saying something totally different, but I can't remember what it was now. All I'm left with are the tears.
Sometimes I wish you'd think about the things you do and say and then look at me. You tell that I lack confidence, I can't see why. I only have you telling me I can't do anything right. I wish you'd stop being such a hypocrite.
First off, its been six years. Do you remember me at all? I was the clueless little girl you took advantage of. You were 16, i was 8. You were double me. And you are disgusting. You haunt my dreams, six years later. And even though i told, and im trying to get help, im afraid of you. I hate you. Youve controlled my life. Youve ruined it. I know you know ive told, and half the nights for the past six months ive sat up thinking, hes coming to kill me. I cant be around red heads. You ruined that. And i cant hold a relationship, you destroyed my selfesteem. I got myself into cutting to cope. And drinking to forget. Youve destroyed a girl that was once so innocent. I hope you get yours someday. I really do. You will rot in ****ing hell you bastard.
F*** you.
Brittanie.
Sometimes perfection means being a little messed up.~
X,
Well, I hope you're enjoying Karma in prison. What's funny is I didn't even have to testify for you to get there. You ****ed up all on your own, going after me when they'd put me in a safe house. My "mom" tells me this is my fault, and I've realized that no, it's her fault, as well as yours because she let you rape her sixteen year old daughter, as long as you continued to pay her bills...
I think the biggest thing I regret is the miscarriage. Yes, it would have beena product of my almost constant rapes...but did you have to kill her? I say her but I'll never really know if it was a boy or a girl. I like to think that it was a girl though, and I would have been a great mom, and I would NEVER let someone hurt her the way my "mom" let you hurt me.
You always called me a slut, even the first time, when I was still a virgin, you still seemed to think that you raping me made me the guilty party, well, how do you feel about it now that the tables have turned on you? You looked like **** when I saw you in court last month. My lawyer says you wanted the transfer because you were being raped yourself every night by your cell mate, you see, he has a daughter about my age apparently. Karma's a bitch, isn't it?
I'm seventeen now, and trying to figure out which college I'll go to. You see, after I stopped hiding from what you did to me, and faced it head on, I started to get my **** straightened out, and I've now got colleges offering me full rides. Now my only decision is whether I want to be a cop, a psychologist, or a lawyer. Either way, I will me what YOU made me, a stronger and more resilient person, who lives with a whole new perspective on life. So in a way, I guess I've forgiven you, though you being raped in prison does put a bit of a smile on my face.
I no longer have nightmares most nights, and in the end, I'm going to end up doing good things for the world.
Well, I guess that's it.
-Emma
I will never understand why. Just why, why, why. I know, I know. I never told you no. Yeah, I guess that's why you felt the need to keep touching me. Couldn't you see my fear? You being younger does no excuse what you did. Someday, I'll know why you did it all to me. Maybe then I'll be able to find peace.
It's ok to do whatever you can to keep from hurting yourself.
Thank you for making me into the mess I am today. Thank you for making me break down in tears in front of anyone who mentions s*x. Thank you for making me shy aware from friendships because I'm so afraid I'll get hurt, and I don't mean just emotionally. Thank you for making me constantly scared of any guy, even if he's my best friend.
In case you haven't noticed, this is all sarcastic. I will never forgive you for what you made me become.
Dear You,
I’m sorry that things happened that I will never understand. I’m sorry that you went through something and took it out on me. I know I was the oldest and I should have been there for you, but to this day I still don’t know what I could have done differently.
I love you to pieces and that’s why I never spoke a word. Perhaps I was scared of people’s reactions but I was also scared what all this would do to you. I didn’t want a mistake to ruin your life. I have to believe that this was all a mistake or I don’t know what I would do. I need to believe you care for me too.
I’m glad we have moved past this and we can smile at each other while we are in the same room. But, I have to apologize one last time, because I’m truly sorry that I’m never going to be able to move on from the past. Each of those events haunts me when I look into your eyes and I know I’ll never receive an apology about any of it from you.
I’m sorry I’m not a bigger person, and I can’t just close the door and walk away. I’m sorry that when I close my eyes at night I remember each and every horrifying moment of it. I wish it would go away but I don’t think that is ever going to happen. Most of all, I’m sorry for pretending it’s all okay, and I’m sorry I won’t ever be able to say any of this to you.
I will always love you:
David Luna - November 10, 2006
Mia - February 09, 2011
okay so here i am, it's christmas, and i hate it, thanks to you, i can't even function today, i've been so angry, so upset, mum thinks its because of a different issue, but, its not, its because of you, i hate it.
i'm curled up next ot my laptop in my chair, really, really trying my best not to cry, because, i know if i do, it won't stop, i can't cope with this much longer, i'd normally ring someone but it's freaking christmas, for Lords sake I shouldn't do that. No, it'd be wrong, so i'm just oging to hide.
it really doesn't help that i just saw you, you of all people, now, sat, all the flashbacky and and all the scared remembering it, seeing it, thinking of how happy you look now, you're not making me happy at all and you obviously don't understand that you've ruined my life.
as if today wasn't going to be difficult enough because of my dad being ill and i'm all alone with no one to care for me as my mum is out all day and my brothers gone with her, you are actually in the front of my mind and i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it.
it was all my fault anyway, you should have just carried on till i was i was dead then people havent had had to deal with me today and i wouldnt be here to deal with at all, no disabilityies, no mental health issues, nothing because i wouldn't be here.
Mum already agreed with what you said to me on that faithful night, she said i need to go on a diet, she said i need to be skinny, she said i'm not a good girl and that its fine that dad is having a joke and laughing and being happy when he really isn't, it's part of family life.
I HATE YOU!
"pretty pretty please dont you ever ever feel like your less than less than perfect"
"Don't ever change, you're perfect the way you are" only a PM away for ANYONE
Gem [smurfette] is my little sister and my princess <3
R.I.P. Keith....31/10/12....forever missed
R.I.P. Lewis....18/01/13....forever I'll love you, forever missed
"I don't wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence. The quiet scares me because it screams the truth. Please don't tell me we had that conversation; I won't remember, save your breath cos whats the use?"
