Hey, I'm sorry to hear how much you're struggling. Are you getting any professional help right now? I'm wondering if maybe you should speak with someone about these thoughts you are having.
Laxative use doesn't help you lose weight. It just reduces water and can ultimately make you very sick, make your electrolytes unbalanced, and of course you may result in colon issues that are life long. They are not something you want to be using if you don't medically have you - and that is why it's best you seek help.
Your thoughts about your weight sound really difficult to be having, I know because I often experience them myself. I find it helpful to speak about them to a professional who can help me sort through them, maybe it will help you too.
Take care x
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