Never felt so numb

Dying_Wishes · 24-03-2012, 11:23 PM

Aah Im back.

I usually feel low every now and then, who doesn't? But I haven't felt this hollow before and I've been feeling like this for almost a week now. I have nothing, well.. I have a great boyfriend, but he has his own demons too which I am always there for him and I put my feelings on the back burner.
I tried so hard, put heart and soul into an application, which evidently I heard nothing from. I dunno, I've been trying since graduating in 2009 to get work, I've tried everything - I dont know what I want to do anymore, I dont know if I even want to try. Im just giving up. I also, have no friends (like 2) no money, live with my parents.

I have never felt so worthless. I dont do anything anymore. I dont see the point in getting out of bed, and when I do I spend the rest of my day sitting on my bedroom not doing anything, unless I can see my boyfriend. I dont talk to him about how Im feeling, he knows Im upset, but I feel bad and guilty for being upset or he will be upset about something and I feel like my feelings/problems are pointless compared to him, and then I just feel stupid for feeling like this. I probably am being stupid, but I just dont see the point of my existence right now. I've tried and tried and tried again, and fail fail fail some more!!

I've spent everyday since last Sunday crying at some point. Urgh

I have a history of self-harm (nothing major) its been on my mind and the only thing stopping me is, if I do it then I will lose my boyfriend too. I need that release though

lilmissjay · 25-03-2012, 05:25 AM

I can relate to most of the things that you have said, but the truth is, you are important and your feelings do matter. I've always had a problem with putting everyone else before myself. Yes, your boyfriend might have bad times every once in awhile and you don't have to stop supporting him when he needs someone, but it is also okay to ask for help too. You may also try talking to your parents or a friend about how you've been feeling so that you have more support when things start to become too much for you.

Dying_Wishes · 25-03-2012, 11:03 AM

And what about the rest? I dont know how to deal with this constant failure that is my life. I dont really talk to my family and dont really have any friends to talk to. Im not the talking type, people don't understand except from here I would like to think.

lilmissjay · 25-03-2012, 05:52 PM

I have always found setting goals for yourself each day to be helpful because then you feel like you've accomplished something for that day. You can start off with little things at first like getting yourself out of your bedroom for part of the day or go outside for a walk then over time you can build to the list. As for talking, you'd be surprised by how many people actually do understand what you are going through, but you have to give them a chance to be able to. I know before I started telling people about my harming and depression I would think that no one I knew would understand, but I found out that half of my friends have harmed in the past and everyone has been depressed themselves or known someone who has.

Dying_Wishes · 25-03-2012, 06:12 PM

Its funny you say about goals. I have already told myself I am going to walk into town tomorrow. Im going to call my advisor at the job centre tomorrow to talk to him about how I dont know what I want to do anymore.. Maybe tomorrow will be a good day? I was doing well today until about an hour ago when I broke down again in tears =( Trying to talk to family NEVER helps

lilmissjay · 25-03-2012, 06:23 PM

This might be one of the hardest things to do when you aren't feeling well, but try to stay positive. If you keep telling yourself that you can do things and try to find the good in a bad situation, then it'll help you through until you are happy with where you are at. Is there anyone else that you could talk to besides your family? And if you aren't ready to talk about how you are feeling to people at the moment then maybe talk about random things or spend time with someone for a little while.

Dying_Wishes · 25-03-2012, 06:31 PM

I know what would have made me happy, thats why I put everything into getting it, and I didn't. Im in "whats the point" mode..! Ummm not really, I've been drinking today so that might make me open up to my boyfriend later tonight. There's never been anyone I've felt comfortable talking with because when I try, I end up feeling stupid about my "problems" and consoling them about theirs.