I lied. Not just once, but over and over to conceal each and every previous lie. I would do anything to take that back. I made you feel as humiliated as I do and I'm so sorry. All I can say is that I repeatedly messed up.
You've helped me so much and nobody has really ever done that for me. I only wish I could do that for you, or that you'd let me. I feel selfish because of that. Either way, I'm grateful and I need you.
To be or not to be? That is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
or to take arms against of sea of troubles, and, by opposing,
end them.
J - I'm sooo pissed at you for actually letting me down on the "date" we were supposed to have. I know I might not be worthy of you... but at least have the decency to call and cancel!
A..you are my sister in christ and I have missed you so much. I can see where you are going and it scares me. I dont want you to destroy your life. You haven't spoken to me in months. I haven't seen you in months. Today I saw you in church, you looked so fragile and broken and hurt. So lost. Then you told me your aaddictions are worse then ever. The church have failed you, im sorry. I've failed you, im sorry. I do love you and im not leaving you im going to stick with you. You actually want to get better. You actually want to find a way out but. I believe you can do it. You can't see it yet but I can. I saw a glimmer of hope. I wont leave. And yeah you were right...im ready to let go of dead friendships and people who dont want me....you actyually want me in ur life u want my help...I promise ill stay.
Last edited by xflutterbyex : 16-04-2012 at 09:13 PM.
Reason: too much information
"Imagine me being free trusting you totally, finally I can... I can imagine me...
...over what my momma said,
And healed from my daddy did,
I want to live,
And not read this page again...
I can imagine me."
X,
If you lose, I don't know what to do. I don't think you realize it's just your own life you're risking. I don't know how to make you see you're worth more than this. You don't need to lose weight. You don't need to be thinner (you're already far too thin). You don't need to punish yourself. You do need to fight. Because your life is worth living and you can do so much good with it. Please, do not give up. You can't.
X,
I can't tell you that things are bad because it makes you ill. So I avoid your calls. This makes you angry, and I'm sorry. I have to protect you though. My mind is poison.
X,
Honestly, I'm trying. I can't find the words to let you know how things are. So I say I'm fine and walk out of our appointments with a smile. Because how on earth do I tell you that I am plagued? As long as I look fine and dandy, I am fine and dandy. And I always look fine. I wish for once someone would tell me, believably, that I look as unwell as I feel. But I don't want the lies.
X,
Don't give up. These months will be hard but my hand is there if you need it. I understand, more than you think, how hard this will be and you are never, ever alone. Don't isolate yourself. The road ahead is dark for a while but there are torches around if you know where to look.
i confess it's time i pushed to get some 'help', whatever that might be. I may be a mental case but i know whats right and wrong and im definitely not right.
I can't cope with this any more.
I would say I'm sorry but my words are worthless.
Now I'll play your ghost as my ace, whenever I'm led astray.
But I am actually good, can't help it if we're tilted.
I'm in my right place, don't be a downer.
I have all these emotions, so many emotions flying around and I could grasp at the end of one and say, hey, you know what? That is sadness. Or that is excitement, or anger, or disappointment, or love.
But I can't really feel any of them, can't really reach any of them.
So that all that is really there is a primal fear.
You fucking imbecile. You know i'm not well. You know i went to sleep. I wish you had used your FUCKING brain for once in your life and not rung. Now i cant escape it. I have no choice but to take those pills. Whatever. You're doing the world a favour anyway. I had it all bloody planned. I was going to sleep until 10 and then go to the doctors but they know now and they arent happy and they're going to make me take them and theres nothing i can do to stop them. Nobody wants me better. They want me gone.
Lol. Read back some of the stuff. I'm so angry, all over again. I can't believe I just let it go. How the hell did I ever forgive you and let you back in my life? It's not as if you're even sorry. Fuck me [don't really], I'm such a pushover.
You don't deserve me. I'm better than you.
*asks Jodie whether above is too histrionic*
Apparently it is not.
I can't take any positive steps anymore this hollow post is the only way I can face how much I'm struggling, drinking makes it a lot easier to forget how other people would feel if I couldn't handle being me anymore.
who do I have to be to be loved or noticed by another, it certainly isn't myself.
And we'll both take our revenge,
But we still don't feel any better.
Music is not helping. I just want to sleep. It's too loud. Everyone keeps saying Im ill. Im not ill. I need to be stronger. Fuck I want to sleep! Ignoring them is not an option. I think Wednesday might kill me. My brain isn't mine. Fuck.
♪♫ I'm Learning To Be Brave In My Beautiful Mistakes ♫♪
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