Now I'll play your ghost as my ace, whenever I'm led astray.
But I am actually good, can't help it if we're tilted.
I'm in my right place, don't be a downer.
And I miss you as well. Gosh, I hope that you can't see me doing all these silly things to myself. I hope it's nice up there. Maybe I'll see you again some day? That would be nice. Don't think badly of me. I hope you're doing okay. I wish that I could talk to you again.
basically this girl lied about having a boyfriend & going to sadies with him & i found out and she got really pissed and lashed out & won't admit anything and keeps changing her story and yelling all this crap at me. she blew things way out of proportion and has this scenario in her head that isn't even reality. things weren't even that bad until she started talking. the thing is, i put up with her this whole time when i really dislike her personality but i kept quiet and bit my toungue, but she has the nerve to yell and yell and yell about lies and lies and lies. i know she wants to make herself look better by saying she has a significant other, but it was really unneeded. she told me to look him up and he was with another. and shes just a liar. she said i was annoying but i just messaged her twice. and she made up a lie then deleted me, blocked me, and then deleted her account. then in class, she says i'm annoying as h & didn't want to be friends with me cuz i'm a b. and then she said i can stay over where i was sitting and not sit with her. and then she was whining all day. she has a really bad personality. she always makes fun of people and judges people on everything. she's so clingy and tried to cling onto me. she made fun of all my friends and made them look really bad and disses every teacher and student teacher and person. she hates everybody, legit. she ditched with me & lied about ditching before and celebrated like it was so fun. wow. she just gets mad when people dont' like her or see her terrible way of looking at things. she's very judgemental. she made herself look really bad, yelling and everything. she was avoiding me but then got all mad over nothing and i should be the one mad but her and her high horse decided i want to get mad because i have zero support. she lies about all her shopping and clothes and friends and dancing and makeup and hair and everything you name in the book. she thinks shes better than others. she thinks she can spit whatever is in her head but it hurts everybody around her. she even called me 10 times once! and texted me like 5! i wanted nothing to do with her and ignored her but she didn't get the hint. she hates my guts. even though i was there for her. even when i didn't want to be. i did everything she did though i didn't want to. i didn't deserve her hate. she calls everyone a b because she can't use real words. everybody that steps into her life she hates. there probably is a Reason for the hAtred, but thats No excuse. she is a bully at school. she doesn't let people help her or grasp oppurtunites. she shuTs everything out and lAshes out with hatred at everything. she lied abOut her phone number and everything to a teacher because she doesn't trust the teacher. she was angry for no reason and blew everything out of proportion. oh and then she yelled at my friend for looking at her, because she was 'glaring'. we're not in the second grade, grow up. then she stomped out when my friend tried to help her. when i told my side, she got all defensive and started lying again. she thinks she's all bad and does all this big talk but shes the opposite. she loves to think she's better and superior to everybody. shes not the brightest in the coloring box either. she hates everybody and everything.
D....I reli like you....reli like u and I could completely fall for you. We've talked non stop for two days I know more about you then my best friend. You're dangerous to me because I could fall in love with you if I let my guard down. But she hates me enough as it is. And if we did ever become something there would be no chance of sorting things with her. I need to put my guard up harder, higher. Its not like you would ever like me anyway.
"Imagine me being free trusting you totally, finally I can... I can imagine me...
...over what my momma said,
And healed from my daddy did,
I want to live,
And not read this page again...
I can imagine me."
I feel so isolated. So alone. I don't have a purpose, I don't feel the need for a purpose when I don't intend on living long enough any more. I have a consultant appointment soon and he's going to change my meds...my mood is going to drop lower...and if I go lower...well, it wont come up again. I've relapsed into self-harm, I don't see the point in stopping anymore. I need the scars, they are me, they are necessary and I want them. I want to escape but there's nowhere that I can go to escape my own mind...only one place, and there's no coming back from there. I don't want to be around people, I don't want to be alone. I want my boyfriend to hold me whilst I slowly slip away. I want the last words that I hear to be that he loves me.
Part of me hates you for giving up. I told you at the first appointment there was no point because you would eventually give up and you promises you wouldn't. Well guess what? Looks like I was right.
So much to do the next couple of weeks. YOU keep thanking me. YOU have no clue how I'm feeling about things and I don't know how to respond to those thoughts either. I just have to hold it together until the 10th, somehow and then I get let go. I have no idea how to hold it together until then though.
Why didn't he just say if he was like the others? I'd know where I fucking stood then but oh no, here I am standing like a complete tool and a sad loser all over again. Humilitated and ashamed of what an idiot I've been and rather quite angry at myself.
And fair play she texts me saying she misses me (my friend) but right now as horrible as it sounds, I don't miss anyone. If I stop missing people then I won't get hurt when they realise what a fuck up I am and walk away.
Not taking my meds, engaging in self-destructive behaviour and I don't care but I suppose no one cares. Lulz, I need you to care but you don't even know. Something happened and I don't know how to feel about it, fucking horrific, I'm sick.
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