I need advice/support... really bad place.

[my.lullaby]

There were/are 3 weeks between the appointment where I promised my therapist I wouldn't hurt myself and my next one. I went 2 weeks (technically 4 weeks free in total), but then I just broke down and cut. The alternatives do not replace SH very well but I've been holding on, so I was pretty low/panicky to start with. The thing that just pushed me to cut in the school bathroom was my teacher yelling at me for not doing a group assignment with a group (social anxiety). I got really upset because I felt like I was being yelled at (from 5 feet away and in front of a quiet class) for being too afraid to ask to join anybody. I cried a lot at home (don't know why because I never cry) and I still had to cut. It bled so much, like I was making up for those 4 weeks without.

I'm going to have to tell my therapist that I cut, but I'll also have to mention why it happened and also how I've been having so many suicidal thoughts lately. I guess I'm not scared that she'll be mad at me, but I just hate myself so much right now. I got embarrassed in front of my entire class and no one knows why I got so upset, I'm now on my teacher's bad side and she told some of her colleagues about it that are also my teachers, I cut, and I still want to die...

[Wonderful.]

You had a slip up, don't punish yourself further for that. You tried to not self harm, and managed for a while, and that is what is important.
I can understand why you were upset, being singled out when you feel so anxious is horrible, and it is difficult to deal with.
Tell your therapist the truth, they are there to help not punish you.

Keep on going, don't let a slip up knock you back to the start.

[Tig]

Hey,

*Sending you gentle hugs*

It sounds as if you had a very distressing experience and that it wasn't handled very well by your teacher. How would you feel about having a conversation with your teacher or writing a letter about the difficulties you are faced with in the classroom situation? Depending on your teacher, it may help but of course only you know if she is a real dragon that just isn't going to listen!

Please don't feel you have let yourself or your therapist down. You tried and that is the main thing. Not only did you try, you achieved many weeks free of self harm and that is fantastic. Well done you. It is good that you can identify what triggered you because hopefully with the help of your therapist you can look at what you could do in the future if the situation were to arise again, although I hope it won't for you lovely.

Do you feel able to manage the suicidal thoughts? Is there anybody you can talk to who could offer you some support right now?

xx

[my.lullaby]

Thanks so much for the replies and hugs :)

I don't really think I can have a convo with my teacher, or hand her a letter or anything. As it is, I was never able to really look her in the eye at all, I'm so bad with authority figures. I just wouldn't know how to word it. (Any advice on that?) She really is nice most of the time and I think she would listen to what I have to say.

I think I can manage the suicidal thoughts mainly because I don't have a way to kill myself cleanly now anyway, and I keep thinking of other people. Like I tell myself specifically, "What would your bio teacher think, how would he feel that he didn't notice and fell for your pretending?"

I haven't told anyone I feel suicidal. I've always said a plain and simple "no" when asked that, but I'm going to tell my therapist next week (four more days). I can't talk to my friend because she'll tell my school counselor, who I think thinks things might be improving for me because I made a joke (albeit crude) about something to her and I've never done that before.

[lilmissjay]

I'm really happy to hear that you're going to tell your therapist about feeling suicidal. As for your teacher, you can explain to her why you didn't do your assignment and how she made you felt. You could also tell her everything you wrote in this thread.