I hope he doesn't mean me, I know I'm a fuck up but I don't want to be told it because then my friends will notice too and then they'll all leave me and I won't have anyone and I'm lonely enough as it is. ='(
He was an abusive and demeaning long haul truck driver. He also played the good Christian in public, a pure conniving bastard who could charm anyone had it suited him.
He died about five years ago. I was never able to be at his deathbed side. If I had been, he would have gotten a kiss of Judas. I would have leaned in close to his ear and whispered the following.
"Enjoy Hell you son of a bitch. You sent me, Rangers and SEALS brought me back, I reserved you an all expense paid seat. Hoo Yah Hey."
The kiss of Judas is significant for the religious intonations it would have evoked. Afterwards, I would have turned my back and walked away like I did the time he pointed a gun at me threating to shoot. He was not worth me having dirty hands, worth cursing to Hell, sure.
This really doesn't feel like it helped. Missed the opportunity for the deed and that would have helped. Guess in some ways I am kind of sadistic like that. In others I'm a little harmless fluffy kitten.
No, getting it out doesn't help. Only creates more questions inside, more pain of memories. Some pride exists yes, come a long way. Still feel useless, obsolete, without peace. But what the hey.
I told you my biggest secret for you but it seems as if you did not cared to listen to me and now I sit here and think about it, I have started to wonder if it's me it is something wrong with or maybe it was the wrong person to tell, you're still my best friend but you did not care, even when you knew about my SH.
Close your eyes, so many days go by.
Easy to find what's wrong, harder to find what's right.
Dance With The Devil - Breaking Benjamin
There is nothing like driving so fast that you can see the thin line between life and death
I'm sick of going one step forwards and two steps back. Can you please just tell me what the fuck is meant to help me? Just realise I need some support right now? I don't seem like I'm that high on your list of people requiring support because you only ever call every couple of weeks. Why should I bother trying to help myself when you don't care? It's your fucking job.
11 posts since then... and i still can't stop reading over them. i don't get it. any of it. no matter how hard i try. even when you try to tell me clearly what you want, it's written so i can't understand.
I don't know how this is supposed to make me stronger. I did what they said and I am in so much pain. Why can't I help without hurting? Please stop shouting I did what you told me. STOP!
♪♫ I'm Learning To Be Brave In My Beautiful Mistakes ♫♪
I know its a sick thing to think but I'm jealous you got to hurt yourself and have such a caring partner that looks after you while I don't have the choice to do that because my life would fall apart, my fiance would leave me, my baby would be investigated by social services and my parents would never talk to me again! The choice has been taken away from me and it hasn't been from you and its unfair! Why do you get to do something that I find so effective at dealing with my pain! Why do I have to sit with it and just hope the pain goes away when it never does! Its not your fault and I still love you and want to help you when it gets too much for you and you want to hurt yourself I just need to get over the jealousy
They're not going to take me seriously next week...
Too fat, too 'normal', that's what they'll say.
And my friend's going, and I'll have to be all normal for her.
Oh fuck.
It's funny how my mood can drop just thinking about you. You should be with me right now, with me through all this fucking shit. You made a mistake, surely you knew how much I depended on you? Why else would I have stayed? You really fucked up, you shouldn't have left, I still needed you.
You said Uni would be good for me, well I dropped out after two months after an OD I took there. I'm back where I started - All alone and clueless.
You belittled me (what's new?) at a time when things were very scary
My worries were/are real to me, if not to you or anyone else outside of the situation.
The danger existed to me and to her and was a very real threat
I feel you pushed me into offering an explanation and then dismissed it completely.
Well you were in a position to laugh it away, I am not. I could never fathom how this is laughable in any way
I didn't realise this bothered me but it obviously does to have popped into my head out of nowhere
It also sounds very bitter. I'm not. Just fed up of how you treat/ed me and am finally allowing myself to acknowledge that
Last edited by Rubik'sCube : 22-02-2012 at 05:02 AM.
