Help? Lonely, confused and sad

EstPrepare · 10-02-2012, 05:49 PM

I know exactly whats going on at the moment but i still have no idea whats happening to me. I am sorry to post about this crap... there are people on here far far worse off than me

I dont exactly post very often on here... i lurk a little and reply to posts occasionally when i feel i have something worthwhile to say but i rarely make any posts of my own. today though.. i need the support. I am not sure if i can cope through this weekend alone. I should Probably tell you whats going on.

anyways I am pretty sure no-one here will remember but about a year ago now i screwed up with my cpn.... Massively. He ceased his contact then when he was happy to re-invlolve "the team" refused to let him based on the fact that the support he was giving me was not part of his job role.

For several months afterwards i did not cope AT ALL... I was and still am incredibly attatched to him and not being able to see him and speak to him at the level i used to frustrates me... although there are other emotions mixed in which i simply cant describe.

After a while i got used to it... i am allowed to have a "normal" "healthy" relationship with him.... meaning i can say hi in the hall and tell him all the good stuff but only ever brush on the bad stuff. For a while i was okay with that.

In December my dad attempted suicide.

All i can really say is there was a downward spiral from there... The feelings I had about what happened with Paul (CPN) returned... to this point... where on wednesday when i unexpectantly saw him in the waiting room when i was seeing my psychologist i just about burst into tears... i can not cope with i have to know if he will be there i have to know if i will see him at all..... but i cant know.

Not only has the stuff with Paul returned... my feelings of suicide have aswell as has the self harm. It had been a year since i self harmed. My psychologist (Megan) made me post the blade i was using to her so i couldnt use it in this week (i see her again on wednesday).

The reason i am so confused is that the ONLY place i feel safe at the moment is at the clinic particularly around Megan or Paul.. i feel as though i cant leave it is the one place on this earth at the moment where i know absoloutely that i cant do any thing to harm myself. I constantly want to be there... in that safe haven.. the minute i leave the uncertainty of whether i will cope until i am there next arrises again.

When i saw Megan last she did her little risk assesment to decide whether or not she needed to call in one of the nurses (obviously not Paul) to do a proper risk assesment... based on my ratings (which i hate giving) she decided it was not necessary. I dont want to be going through this again... the relentless questioning to see if i need to be admitted at all. I simply CANNOT be admitted under any circumstances it will wreck everything... i know i have a future... i know megan and everyone at the clinic will do everything they can to ensure that but i still cant deal with the thoughts on my own... if what they had to do was admit me that would wreck me... wreck my family and wreck uni...

I am scared.. i need the clinic. likle.... now (12.45am - midnight) even though i know its ridiculous. i dont know how to deal with Paul when i do go in i dont know what i should do how i should act to avoid hospital. Megan can always see through me if i try to lie. I just want to sit in there... and stay.

I start uni this coming week... i am a little nervous.

sorry this post is so long... i really dont blame people if they dont read this.

Heaven Knows · 10-02-2012, 06:03 PM

Hello.

I just want to say first off that don't put down your feelings and concerns by saying there are people worse off; all problems matter and everyone deserves support.

I am sorry to hear about your father - that must have caused a lot of confusion for you?

I don't know the full story with your CPN but it sounds like some of the boundaries became blurred - which can cause a lot of feelings to remain even after contact with said person. I felt similar to how you're feeling when I had to cut off contact with someone I blurred the boundaries of our relationship with.

Can you speak with your psychiatrist about your feelings and attachment to the CPN and the clinic? I know it's hard to face the outside when you feel like you're in the bubble of the care team - I feel the same after my therapy sessions.

It sounds like you get very emotionally attached to the people involved in your care; which can be helpful but at the same time very unhelpful. It's understandable to feel connected to somewhere you feel safe and wanting to stay there - is there anywhere else you can think of which can feel as safe for you? A room in your house or someone elses house? Anywhere which can help the pressure of not being at the clinic not be as black and white of coping then not coping?

Gah. I don't know if any of that made sense.
Take care of yourself.
x Katie x

EstPrepare · 10-02-2012, 06:17 PM

it all makes loots of sense :) thanks for taking the time to read it

i do get very attatched to people involved in my care.. the first real problems i had was with a paediatrition i saw.

megan knows about the attatchment, we talk regularly about it...

there were definitely blurred boundaries but i find it cruel that "the team" let it carry on for so long.. essentially his job was only to do risk assesments but he saw me very regularly in just a general support role.. we had quite a good relationship although he arranged several admissions in the time i saw him.

In january last year i got highly suicidal i tried to get him to listen over the phone but he didnt really say much. The next day when i saw Megan i said that "i was going to kill myself to teach him a lesson".. ofcourse although I only really said it to get them to friggin listen to me... i would never actually blame Paul for how i feel... let alone commit suicide to teach him a lesson.

of course I had to repeat it to him and he got quite upset he admitted me on forms which he didnt have to do... i would have ogne voluntarily but i think he was teaching me a lesson and he withdrew his contact. It was a shit admission compared to the others.. lotys of nurses yelling at me and stuff.

After i came out i apologised very very thoroughly.. he said he was simply over it. He was angry for a few days but it didnt really bother him after that. he was fine to re-involve and after a long process "the team" (all the people at the clinic) decided it was "not in my best interest" to have him truly involved with me. Although i am allowed to bump into him as i described above. It is quite difficult though.. speaking to him at the level i do know after what i had.

I figured i should explain what happened. I hope that helos

The only place i really feel okay is with a friend from the paediatric hospital.. she lives a little to far away for me to see regularly though... she gets it...most of the time :)

otherwise for me its pretty black and white.. i do have good days occasionally

thanks again for the reply

talaiporia · 10-02-2012, 11:42 PM

Well, it seems like things have been very difficult recently.
Maybe it would be worth, in the future, moving on before you get too close?

Good luck with uni this week, are you looking forward to it?

PassedExpectations · 11-02-2012, 03:57 AM

is there something from the office that you could take with you? so that you could take it out when you need it and try and bring back the safe feeling. because ultimately, what you need is the feeling, and eventually you can learn to create that safe feeling in lots of situations, but at the beginning it can be helpful to have an object to help you focus...

EstPrepare · 11-02-2012, 04:05 AM

thats a good idea PassedExpectations.... I might talk to them about it :P

Umm i have to leave the clinic around october anyways talaiporia.. it is camhs and i will be 18 then :/ we are kinda preparing for it though.

thanks for all your help... i had a really bad night last night.. didnt get to sleep until about 2am

My nanna just called and said that "they" think that my great grandma is going to die today... so i feel guilty because i forgot to give mum the message yesterday of "she isnt doing very well... dont bother getting to call me back i will be out" even though she has caled and said she hasnt been doing well a million times before and i had lots of other crap on my mind yesterday :/

PassedExpectations · 11-02-2012, 04:08 AM

*hugs* that is difficult news... it wasn't your fault that you forgot though. it sounds like you've got a million other things on your mind to keep track of as well... do you think that your mom will be angry with you? do you think that your great grandmother would be?

EstPrepare · 11-02-2012, 09:34 AM

honestly i dont think anyone really minds... in my house we are a little frustrated actually... we get the message that "they" think she is going to die today when what my nanna was ACTUALLY told by the nursing home is that "she is a little fragile today". this sounds terrible to say but i think things will get easier for nanna, mum, her... all of us when she does go. I mean.. she isnt exactly living well at the moment and it stresses my Nanna out and so she puts it all on my mum whichj my mum cant cope with :/

its an annoying situation.

talaiporia · 12-02-2012, 12:12 AM

It's always hard when people reach that stage, where they have little quality of life, but they're still alive, particularly if they've suffered a long illness. How is she doing today?

EstPrepare · 12-02-2012, 05:23 AM

im not sure :/ I dont really get updated much...

talaiporia · 15-02-2012, 06:11 AM

How are you doing though? Your mood says frightened, what are you frightened of?

EstPrepare · 15-02-2012, 03:12 PM

not particularly well :/ veeery impulsive at the moment :/ mainly frightened of what i might do to myself

talaiporia · 16-02-2012, 03:43 AM

Every time an impulsive thought comes into your head take a deep breath, and think for a second whether you really want to do it.

Do you think you might harm yourself?

EstPrepare · 16-02-2012, 12:37 PM

yeah :/

I started uni today... it was good but i am scared... it is a prep course and it seems like alot of stuff ive already covered through tafe... i am scared it wont keep me interested which leads my mental health to get worse :/ i dont know what to do to keep my brain active :/

its like i know whats coming and i dont really know what to do to stop it

talaiporia · 17-02-2012, 02:47 AM

Make sure you get help/go to hospital if you do.
If it doesn't keep you interested, perhaps you could try something extra-curricular, like a club or volunteering.

What do you think is coming?

EstPrepare · 17-02-2012, 12:31 PM

i was looking at that... like learning something outside of uni :/ i just dont know what to do :/

I think i am going to do something to myself... i think i am going to screw up more than i already have.

I cant go into hospital... it would disapoint everyone. I highly doubt that they would adsmit me anyways.

talaiporia · 20-02-2012, 12:29 AM

Hmm. There are lots of things, like languages, or First Aid, or Sign Language, Art, Sport?

How are you doing at the moment?