I know that it's been a month or two since I've really been on, but I've started to get on again recently to check on things and felt maybe I could give an update.
He was arrested back in October, and the DNA matched from both kits so he's been in jail since then but tomorrow I've been asked by the ADA to go to the courthouse because his lawyer is trying to get him released on bail until a trial date is set He says that maybe if I go ahead and see him tomorrow in court that it won't be such a shock when I see him when the trial starts, which he's hoping will be in the next month or two.
Part of me is definitely not wanting to go. Physically, I've healed, but other than that it seems as if nothing's really changed too much. As long as I take my sleep meds I don't have the nightmares really, but the flashbacks still happen sometimes, and after a couple failed attempts in early November I haven't even tried to go back to talk to a counselor or anything. I've just been locked away in my apartment doing online school work so I can still graduate on time, and trying to not think of what happened.
Once I graduate though, what happens then? That's what I've been asking myself recently, as that time draws nearer. I've rarely left my apartment in the last two and a half months other than grocery shopping, and I haven't spoken with any of my old friends either. I've pretty much stopped functioning except for school work, but how much longer can this last? I need a job, I need to get over this hump, but how? Is it really even possible at this point to start a "normal" adult life for me? I don't know...I'm sorry, I know this is long.
Hey, I'm sorry you've been through such a traumatic experience but I think you are really brave and think it's entirely understandable that you are unsure about whether to see him court tomorrow. Have you anyone you can talk this through with in real life?
Seems like you've thrown yourself into your school work as a way of coping with what has happened. May be you could phone up a friend and just start trying to get out a bit more before it becomes a real problem with you getting out of your apartment.
Do you think it might be worth talking to a counselor again??
You take good care,.
love
Chas
xxx
I'm not abreast with your circumstances so I apologise in advance if I ask any questions that you have answered in your previous posts.
The thought of confronting your rapist in court tomorrow must be terrifying and I know you are probably concerned about how this will affect you. However, I do think that your lawyer's suggestion is a good one. When your case goes to trial and the details of your sexual assault are discussed, and you are likely to be called to give evidence, this is going to bring back a lot of painful memories and emotions for you. It is going to be incredibly hard. I think seeing the man on trial for this assault only when that trial begins will make that time much harder. I think if you were to confront him in court tomorrow, you have some time to heal from this initial shock before your trial begins and hopefully it won't be so painful to see him in court when your trial begins in a couple of months. It will be unsettling and you will need to make sure that you have a lot of support around you at the time but I think it will benefit you in the long term.
It's no surprise that you are still struggling. It can take a long time to heal emotionally from a sexual assault and you shouldn't put yourself under too much pressure to recover too quickly before you're ready. You should be patient with yourself. You have been through a very traumatic experience and you need to be gentle with yourself.
You say you tried to speak to a counselor a couple of times back in November but haven't felt able to make another attempt since, but I would strongly encourage you to give counseling another go. It's a shame that it did not work out for you before but now your wounds are not so fresh and have had a little bit of time to heal, you might find it works out much better than it has previously. Getting through the trial will be much easier if you have someone you can talk to about how you're feeling. This is a huge thing to go through by yourself so give yourself this gift of help.
It's fantastic that you have continued with your studies; a lot of people would have given up after what you've been through, and it shows a huge amount of strength and courage to have persevered. You should be so proud of yourself for this alone. Graduating is a huge step for anyone to take and it's often filled with all these questions about what happens next and where you go from this point on, and I understand the extra significance this plays in your life after what has happened. It sounds to me like you have built this safe bubble around yourself where you aren't spending a lot of time outside of the house or with other people and this is not so bad when you have your studies to fill your time, but what happens when that is no longer the case? Like I've said, it's okay to spend time like this after a traumatic event and you shouldn't push yourself into anything before you are ready. You are bound to feel very vulnerable and I am sure these feelings will persist for some time, especially through the trial. There has to come a time, however, where you start to rebuild the relationships with your friends and venture out of the bubble you've built for yourself. You should take this slowly. You should make sure you have people around you that can hold your hand, if only metaphorically, whilst you are taking those first steps, and this is something a counselor could help you with as well. It is okay to hide away and heal for a little while but you do need to make steps to reclaim your life again, taking baby steps to get back to how you were before.
I know that it feels like your life has been turned upside down and that things could never be "normal" ever again but trust me when I say that they will. This huge boulder of pain and anxiety that you are carrying around with you right now, which gets in the way of everything and causes you so much heartbreak, will become smaller and smaller as time passes until it is a small, manageable pebble that can be tucked out of the way. The pain you are feeling will never leave you but that doesn't mean it will always feel this intense; it will not always define you. You can go on and live the same life that you were living before the assault, or you can build yourself a whole new different one - it is entirely up to you, but things will start to feel "normal" again one day soon. Time really is a great healer.
I wanted to remember this forever, you, us. I wanted to remember this and I was scared I wouldn’t, so I took a knife and I carved you into my arm and at night I’d put it under my head to keep you close. Your heartbeat next to mine, your name against my eyes. I carved you into my skin so you’d never leave and now I can’t get rid of you no matter how hard I try.
The school work I did because I was too close to graduation to just give up, but it did also help sometimes to have to focus on school work or papers instead of thinking about it. the friends i use to hang with were the ones who found me the second time and I haven't spoken to any of them since I left the hospital. How can I face them again after they saw first hand what he did to me?
I decided to try to go to the bail hearing today. Seeing him there... it wasn't easy. He saw me, kept trying to get my attention but after looking at him that first time, I just watched the judge. I couldn't look him in the eyes. The only good thing that came out of today really is that his request for bail was revoked, and I know that I can stay kind of composed with him in the room. The date of the trial is supposed to be decided next week, and the ADA is hoping that it will be speedy. He says with the amount of evidence against him, and the pics of what I looked like when I was found, that it shouldn't take too long. I'm getting more nervous about the trial though. They've already told me that I'll have to testify, that I'll have to talk about how we dated for a couple months before the first time, and how he did it the second time... they're gonna parade the horrid pictures of me around the court room to gain the judges sympathy :( I don't need to be reminded when I have the fresh scars to remind me every day.
As far as seeing a shrink, I've been advised to try again by the ADA because he admits the trial will be hard on me, and that talking to a professional might help. I still don't know though.
