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Old 02-12-2011, 05:12 PM   #1
jenjens79
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Reviews Requested- Contains upsetting material - Jen's Poems

Quicksand

I threw the key
Away from me,
So it could not be found.
I locked myself
Inside a shell
And started sinking down

A locked box sinking,
Clouded thinking,
Landscape black and bleak
Quicksand pulling,
Feelings dulling,
Strength in feeling weak

Arms around me,
Someone found me,
Tried to pull me back
Resisting quicksand’s deadly pull
That sinking into black.

The pulling-up's a process,
Dislocating bones and brain
As I'm torn in two directions
Lose my logic in the pain

But this pain is progress,
Sand just dust
It needn't suck me in
With help and hope and fighting back,
A chance that I can win

A chance that I can rise above
The demons in the sand
Look beyond the dark despair
And grab the saving hand

Salvation from starvation
Separation from the knife
A reprieve from suffocation
As I'm pulled back into life

The quicksand slowly loses hold
The suction into hell
Can be resisted if you find
The courage to rebel

I'm glad the hands reached out to me
And helped me through the pain
My heads above the sand now
And I've found the key again.



..its about being able to fly

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Old 02-12-2011, 05:13 PM   #2
jenjens79
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Slashes:

I still cant place the reason why
I started on the path
That gave me much to cry about
But took away my laugh

I didn't think my thoughts could rule me
Quite the way they do
Or that my words held pow'r to split
My family in two

I watch the blood appearing, 'tear-drops'
Glistening on my arm
And know I'm tearing others up,
With this, my own self-harm.

But how to stop the obvious,
(The 'pause button',
The cut)
Is something that I need to learn
A door I need to shut

So bear with me, if you can bear it
See the punished skin
And help me find another way
To deal with everything

I do not WANT to slice my flesh
Much as I wish to bleed
The razors... shards of broken glass...
Don't give me what I need

I need to feel, I need to hurt
I need to grieve what's gone
But most of all, I need you all
To help me carry on

Towards the life I saw before
I chose to die in vain
And now I do NOT want to die,
I ask you
Trust me,
Help me,
Give me
Leave to live again



..its about being able to fly

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Old 02-12-2011, 05:15 PM   #3
jenjens79
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Calling the Cards ~ my reflections on anorexia ~ GY 2010

(a reflection on my eating disorder, I'm one of the lucky few who came back from the brink)

Body shrinking, hope is sinking
Always thinking "win the game"
Icy cold to those who seek to hold
My hotly guarded frame.

Can't reach out and yet I shout,
Inside my head regrets run rife,
Just can't figure how this bigger
Issue overtook my life.

How to recognise the devil
cultivated, may renague,
Upon its vow, that I'd know how
To read the rules however vague,

And stop at will this game of life
( or game of death, as pedants state)
Return to life imperfect, yet without
The rules the game dictates

If I'm thinner, I'm the winner
Aim for less, I'm bound to gain
And yet to gain I have to lose
And in the losing lies the pain.

For winning needs a sponsor
And my sponsor wants me dead
I know that now, and yet I'm in
Too deep to realign my head.

My focus blurs as I lose sight
Of what it was I sought to gain
And what I thought remained of me
Becomes the pawn that skews the game.

I want to live a life without
The constant voice within my head.
And yet that voice is urging me
To carry on, and play instead.

The prize is there, I just can't reach it,
I can see it, feel the thrill,
And if I stick to all the rules,I'll find it
Through the force of will.

But god, I'm tired, the will is there
But will for what is cloudy now
And I'm so beaten down and starving
'live a life'...I don't know how!

Help me please, I thought my goal
Was such a little, lovely aim,
And now I know that I can't win,
I'm terrified to play the game.

Wasting isn't winning,
And to starve is not to beat
The caller of this set of cards,
Who will not beg defeat.

Its not a game for losers
And yet lose you must to win
So lose your cards and not your soul,
Before it sucks you in



..its about being able to fly

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Old 02-12-2011, 05:18 PM   #4
jenjens79
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A Problem Shared

A problem shared, a problem halved,
They tell you that it's so,
But when the problem's painful
Do they really *want* to know?

It isn't fair to spread the pain
I'm tired as hell, yet torn,
My mantle of defensiveness
A shield against the storm.

To share would be a letting down
Of guards I've held so dear
The bleeding arm, intense self harm
A dam to shore the tears,

To share the tears, disclose my fears
Would leave my loved my ones prone
To suffer all the demons
I would rather face alone.

If I can share it can you bear it,
See the blood and stay
Beside me while I clean it up
And try to find my way?

I'll halve my problem, add to yours,
If you can surely cope,
With you beside me I can face
My fears with added hope.

So love, don't leave me, love my life
And love this little prayer
It's enough to halve my problems
Simply knowing you are there

GY 25/7/10



..its about being able to fly

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Old 02-12-2011, 11:22 PM   #5
Tig
 
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Wow ~ honestly, really wow.

All your poems are absolutely amazing, you have such a talent there. Your poems are full of insight and emotion. Thank you x

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Old 02-12-2011, 11:54 PM   #6
jenjens79
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Really?? Thank you so much, that means such a lot to me. I just write to get the words out of my head really! I hope you're doing ok, and thank you so much for your lovely words, all my love, Jen xxx


Last edited by jenjens79 : 02-12-2011 at 11:59 PM. Reason: G


..its about being able to fly

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Old 03-12-2011, 12:37 AM   #7
~Grace~
 
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Youre poems are actually amazing.
x

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Old 03-12-2011, 01:03 AM   #8
jenjens79
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Thanks, Grace xxx (I don't know whether I write well or not, it just comes out on paper ready formed!)



..its about being able to fly

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Old 04-12-2011, 12:01 AM   #9
finding.my.wings
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jenjens79 View Post
Calling the Cards ~ my reflections on anorexia ~ GY 2010

(a reflection on my eating disorder, I'm one of the lucky few who came back from the brink)

Body shrinking, hope is sinking
Always thinking "win the game"
Icy cold to those who seek to hold
My hotly guarded frame.

Can't reach out and yet I shout,
Inside my head regrets run rife,
Just can't figure how this bigger
Issue overtook my life.

How to recognise the devil
cultivated, may renague,
Upon its vow, that I'd know how
To read the rules however vague,

And stop at will this game of life
( or game of death, as pedants state)
Return to life imperfect, yet without
The rules the game dictates

If I'm thinner, I'm the winner
Aim for less, I'm bound to gain
And yet to gain I have to lose
And in the losing lies the pain.

For winning needs a sponsor
And my sponsor wants me dead
I know that now, and yet I'm in
Too deep to realign my head.

My focus blurs as I lose sight
Of what it was I sought to gain
And what I thought remained of me
Becomes the pawn that skews the game.

I want to live a life without
The constant voice within my head.
And yet that voice is urging me
To carry on, and play instead.

The prize is there, I just can't reach it,
I can see it, feel the thrill,
And if I stick to all the rules,I'll find it
Through the force of will.

But god, I'm tired, the will is there
But will for what is cloudy now
And I'm so beaten down and starving
'live a life'...I don't know how!

Help me please, I thought my goal
Was such a little, lovely aim,
And now I know that I can't win,
I'm terrified to play the game.

Wasting isn't winning,
And to starve is not to beat
The caller of this set of cards,
Who will not beg defeat.

Its not a game for losers
And yet lose you must to win
So lose your cards and not your soul,
Before it sucks you in

Wow, this is good- you are an amazing writer :) and im so glad to hear that you were able to recover from anorexia.



The BRAVEST thing
I ever did was
CONTINUING MY LIFE
when I wanted to die.


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Old 04-12-2011, 11:35 PM   #10
jenjens79
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Thankyou, that's a really sweet comment. I'm not so amazing, I haven't written at all recently, I think I have a bit of writer's block, I wrote these last year when I was in inpatient therapy. Also I think my poems come across better than they actually are because of the iambic pentameter, I have no false illusions! - but hey-ho, it makes them easy to read and I like making rhymes . Hope all ok with you, lots of love and thank you for the lovely words you sent my way xxx



..its about being able to fly

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Old 05-12-2011, 11:05 AM   #11
Tig
 
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You are amazing. If you have any more to share, I'd love to see them.
I know what you mean about writers block. I used to write a lot and now I'm stuck!

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Old 05-12-2011, 03:23 PM   #12
jenjens79
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I'm stuck too! Nice to have a partner in stuckness! Actually I think its because recently my emotions have beeen swinging so much one way or the other, I haven't had any 'middle ground' in which to think. Which is probably because in 'real life' (ie out of the 24 hour bubble that is inpatient therapy) its difficult to find a middle-ground where you can centre your brain enough to take a cerebral view rather than a purely emotional one which never works. I am completely whittering here - sorry! Thanks for your really nice words - I do have more poems somewhere but I need to find them! Lots of love xxx



..its about being able to fly

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Old 05-12-2011, 06:47 PM   #13
Tig
 
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I totally get what you mean though, I think it's been one of my problems. I do sometimes/often write poetry when I'm all emotional but stuff that doesn't make a lot of sense! xx

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Old 05-12-2011, 09:54 PM   #14
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Your work is amazing Hun! You should be really proud of these. My friend has an ED and I may show her your related poem, I think she will appreciate it. (no more than I do mind ^_^) She tells me a lot about what goes on in her head and you have illustrated it wonderfully. Well done for recovering. And I know what you mean with writers block. I think I only write when I'm literally in the pits! xx



‎"I want to be magic. I want to touch the heart of the world and make it smile. I want to be a friend of elves and live in a tree. Or under a hill. I want to marry a moonbeam and hear the stars sing. I don’t want to pretend at magic anymore. I want to be magic."

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Old 06-12-2011, 12:50 AM   #15
jenjens79
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Thanks for that, I really really hope your friend is getting good treatment and is able to get through the illness. A friend of mine just relapsed and was sectioned the other day, it's heartbreaking xxx



..its about being able to fly

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Old 06-12-2011, 08:08 PM   #16
tmich_uk
away with the fairies
 
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Wow - I love your poems, and how they flow. The use of words is good too. Really created a picture in my head. Would love to read more? I write too, and totally understand the writers block - I've been like that for weeks its terrible, when all I want to do is put pen to paper and get everything out. Well done.



The worst thing about depression — the thing that makes people phobic about it — is that it’s a foretaste of death. It’s a trip to the country of nothingness. Reality loses its substance and becomes ghostly, transparent, unbelievable. This perception of what’s outside infects the perception of the self, which explains why depressed people feel they aren’t “there.” -Chase Twichell

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Old 07-12-2011, 03:59 AM   #17
jenjens79
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Thankyou Tracy, that's really nice of you to say. I think I'm going to do some writing tomorrow, this has been one hell of a year and while I prefer to write in retrospect I think I need some catharsis that isn't damaging to my health and won't make my Christmas wardrobe 'long-sleeve' problem even worse! I'd love to see some of your writing too, have you posted any up? Xx



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Old 07-12-2011, 07:18 PM   #18
tmich_uk
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Your welcome. I havent posted any of my poetry I'm afraid - I may one day, but when I'm ready :) I shall keep an eye out for some more of your poerty then. xx



The worst thing about depression — the thing that makes people phobic about it — is that it’s a foretaste of death. It’s a trip to the country of nothingness. Reality loses its substance and becomes ghostly, transparent, unbelievable. This perception of what’s outside infects the perception of the self, which explains why depressed people feel they aren’t “there.” -Chase Twichell

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Old 19-12-2011, 02:32 PM   #19
Louise
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really like these poems, enjoyed reading them - you are talented. x





“Never lose faith in yourself,
and never lose hope;
remember, even when this world throws its worst and then turns its back,
there is still always hope.”


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