You think I chose this, Dad? You think I woke up one morning and thought, 'You know what, I think I might opt into this chronic pain malarky and disable myself for the rest of my life, that sounds like fun!'?
No. So just fuck off. I don't need you having a go at me.
I was going to get ready to come and help you, I just needed some patience.
But you getting annoyed after a couple of minutes and shouting 'Fuck it, I'll go and do it all my fucking self, shall I?' was completely uncalled for.
It's not my fault I couldn't get my jeans on :/
I'm ready to curl up and diecry.
Now I'll play your ghost as my ace, whenever I'm led astray.
But I am actually good, can't help it if we're tilted.
I'm in my right place, don't be a downer.
No i don't deserve it(being here) , i shouldn't be here, I'd be happier gone and you know it, you all do and would be happier yourselves, i don't know what's stopping me from going, nothing should be but i don't know if i can bring myself to do it, if i do my worrires are gone, my life is better I'd be free but... i just don't know
Fuck, fuck, fuck. Setting myself up for failure again. I cant keep this up but I cant reduce any of it or I will fail don't feel I've achieved anything this term
why did you do it - i dont understand
and then you flaunt it around and make me wanna do it
its not fairr - your smoothered that arm and noone says anything one cut and im in trouble and everyone is keeping an eye on me its not fair why do i have to stop and you get to start up and really go for it while im killnig myself fighting it
The Soul Would Have No Rainbows If The Eyes Had Shed No Tears
[Laurel Burch]
Believe in yourself and your dreams. For when you do. You can achieve anything!
I hate that I feel like I don't deserve to complain or talk about my issues. I can't even bring myself to ask anyone for help and I feel utterly confused and I don't understand what is going on with me. I am terrified of the fact that I have stopped eating but I feel horrible when I eat so not eating makes me feel better and like I am accomplishing something. grrr what is wrong with me these days.
“I didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep.
And that's really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare,
like when you wake up from a nightmare you're so relieved.
I woke up into a nightmare.”
― Ned Vizzini
I phoned you for help, but you couldn't get me off the phone fast enough could you?
I was in tears... in distress... don't you care?
WHY is it so hard to get help. Real help. From people that genuinely care?
cant beleevs wos firs fing yoo thotud of wen did tels yoo..
he servs to b fytud for evun if is hoples. fankyoo for maks sara se tha wood b bigust mistak evur
Sing me to sleep.
I'll see you in my dreams.
Waiting to say.
I miss you.
I'm so sorry.
I've thought about it, considered a few times. But the only conclusion I can reach is no. I'm too far disconnected to even try. I wouldn't say anything anyway, and nothing would change. Hard to believe it's been so long, though I honestly can't say I feel bad about it, or that it feels like it's been forever.
Perhaps, maybe eventually, or just for a few minutes. But I don't know that I care enough to put in the effort for more disappointment.
---
Please tell me you guys got something done >.< If you didn't, I don't know what we're gonna do. I'm so dreading going to school tomorrow, and (possibly) finding out that you all did nothing to work on the 300 pt project due in three days. 25-35 pages, and when I left, we only had about half a page and it was unclear what we were going to do for the presentation. Ugh... I hate group projects.
"God take me, because I hate me" -Underoath
We are male and female. We are artists, athletes, and students. We have depression, PTSD, eating disorders, bipolar disorder, or maybe no diagnosis at all. Some of us were abused, some not. We come from all walks of life and can be any age. We are every race or religion that you can think of. Our common link is this: We are in pain. We self-injure. And we are not freaks.
KM: It's your fault. You started this, I wish it wasn't true, but I cant lie. My weak mind fell hard, and now...now its covered with a hard shell that's seaminly imposible to break. Im sore from fighting for 2 years to make it out of this mental prison.
CD: I love you so much, I trust you, and that will never change.
CJ: I trust you, but I don't love you in the way that you wish. You are persistent, and Give Me Hope for the future.
CT: you make this so difficult. Why the yelling? I can hear you just fine. Why all the preassure? So you dont have to deal with it? Why the name calling? It only causes you ammusement. Thank you for making my life a living hell.
ST: thanks for nothing. You act like a good guy on the outside. Tough, mentaly stable, not afraid to stand up to a bully for a friend...but now I know the truth. When I needed you to standup for me, you ran away like apuppy with you tail between your legs because you were afraid to be teased just like I was. They were horrid to me, and you just sat there, laughing with the rest of them.
I can't work out if you are just using me...I'm sure you are....and I don't know what to do.... I'm not so sure about anything anymore.....but I don't know if I'm strong enough to stop it.....please don't use me. I fucking hate it.
J:
I hate that you're being immature, but I do understand. I want to blame it all on you, too...but I do realize it's my fault as well. After all, condom is just one simple little word....and it's all I had to say. Also it's a lot more likely YOU had it and gave it to me...
Even your best friend can say it:
You're just looking for an excuse to not take responsibility.
Whatever it is, you can get through it. I promise.
